My mother and our relationship

[Chickyb]

Around 2 years ago I found a new partner (who I'm still with), my mother was diagnosed with MS and I started doing less with her. We were very close but between working 2 jobs, my boyfriend, training and life in general mine and my mothers relationship started to seperate. I have mixed feelings as I should be allowed to grow up but I also think I should be there for her more. She tells me I left her and crys on occasions that we argue about the situation. I clean the house for her, end the arguments on good terms and try my best to be happy and cheery when I get home, this becomes extremely hard when I get one word answers and an ugly tone of voice. I honestly can't do anything right. For around 2 years this situation has been on my mind everyday. I'm forever feeling bad for staying out, sleeping at my boyfriends or not helping her with the shopping, I'm restless, have stopped doing things I love due stress or that I'm worried she wants me home. I honestly feel like there is a massive weight in my head. At 22 I feel like these should be the best days off my life but I'm moody, upset, depressed, anxious and horrible to my boyfriend due to my aggression. I'm honestly so distressed and confused. My partner suggested that my job could be a problem but I keep telling myself that it's my guilt from my mother.. thankyou for listening

[quirkywords]

Chickyb,

Thanks for starting this thread. I hoped it helped writing down your problems.

I can see you are a good and caring daughter but you are also her carer so this puts stres on you and your relationships. Have you ever contacted a carers group or an MS group to get some advice and support. Carer groups and MS groups are experienced in helping people like you.

It sounds like Yu need some help before you burn out. I am sure others here will have more appropriate advice that will be able to help you or point you in the right direction.

I felt touched by your post and wanted to say how compassionate you are but you need to look after yourself.

Quirky

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Chickyb,

Thanks for your post.

I'm sorry that this is going for you. I can understand how frustrating it would be. I think it's like being caught between a rock and a hard place - wanting to go and have fun but then the feeling of guilt - but then helping out your mum and feeling like too much of an adult?

Quirky made a great suggestion about looking into a carers group or an MS group. Your mum is going to need more help then you could ever provide; even if you didn't have a partner or work two jobs. I'm not sure how independent she is now but I know MS can take away a lot of independence, whether it's little things like shopping, cooking or bigger things like taking care of yourself (going to the toilet/showering). It's okay to ask for help.

Can I ask if you've talked to your mum about how she's feeling? Does she know or have any idea about how much this might be affecting you?

I think it would be great to have that conversation, even if it does make her uncomfortable. Having MS isn't her fault and hopefully if she can get some outside assistance that can make all the difference. I'm not sure what area you're in but there are lots of different services all around Australia; anything from subsidised taxi fares/getting rides to and from places, helping with shopping, helping with showering, helping with budgeting etc etc. There's no reason that you should have to feel alone in this.

Hopefully this helps a little and can ease the pressure on you a bit

[geoff]

hi Chickyb, 2 years is a long time to be thinking about this without satisfying the situation, but your mum and I am just so sorry that she has MS, but her condition will require constant assistance as time goes by, and the suggestions by those above me have been good.
This time of your life should be when you are enjoying yourself, unfortunately that's not happening.
You help her out as much as you can, but it wouldn't be advisable to live with her, which you probably already know, as there maybe too much conflict considering the circumstances.
The council will have many different options for your mum, like cleaning, taking her shopping etc. or you could try your local community health centre.
I tend to agree with your that the reason why you feel this way is not because of your job, but because of what's happening with your mother.
You can't be doing three things at the same time, that is being with your b/friend, looking after your mother, and cleaning and cooking at two different places, that's the recipe for why you are feeling this way, and it's certainly not healthy for yourself.
If you are able to contact one agency then they could suggest who else to contact so everything may fall into position.
I must say that you're so kind with your mother but there has to be a time when you have to draw the line. Geoff.