Hi everyone, help

[radish58]

Hi, I am male and about to turn 66. I sold my business 6 months ago and transitioning into retirement. I am married , 42 years, we have raised 3 children who are all now successful young adults. I have posted once before " no touch, no sex" about a month ago and thank you to those who responded.

I have had a number of discussions with my wife, things have changed since I sold my business,  I am around home more often, doing things I haven't been able to and enjoying the tasks, I am getting back into surfing,  which is truly my happy place along of course with family ( goes without saying).

I never thought myself as being anxious, my wife yes. I received a message from one of my daughters yesterday saying of a funny experience my grandson had that day. I arrived home from an exercise class and asked my wife did she also get the message? She replied NO, i began telling her and she kept saying spit it out, why is he at the hospital, i said his not,  and told her the message, the enjoyment was taken away. My wife said " I have lived with her for more than 40 years, I should no". I replied you think the worst with everything. 

This is her anxiety,  we barely spoke after that, I sometimes fear repercussions regardless. 

This got me thinking I am also now anxious,  I never used to be.

I have raised her anxiety before and suggested she talk with someone,  I am here to support. My wife has shot getting help or anxiety down.

She says she needs space, our marriage isn't in a good place, I am trying my hardest, if our children were home now, with the at times toxicity of our marriage,  I would not stay under the same roof, the negativity would worry me too much. 

I will seek help for my anxiety, I am generally a cool, calm, collected person, after last nights episode,  I became too realise, i think I am now an anxious person,  the test I took here confirmed that.

Some work ahead it seems, I am going to take it on, I hope my wife does as well. 

[indigo22]

Hi Radish58,

I had a look back at your other post as well to get a feel for what might be happening in your marriage at the moment. I am only a bit younger than you but I don't have a partner so I am going to talk from the perspective of what I witnessed when my father retired.

As others have advised, there could be many reasons for your wife reacting differently but I have not read anything so far coming from this perspective. I don't know your wife's personality so you will need to be the judge of wether or not this could be a contributing factor.

My mother was very set in her ways, was a stay at home mother and had her routines she had been doing for years while my father was working. Certain days for certain things like washing day, shopping day etc.

When my father retired, he was very restless at first, wanting to go out and do things together. However, that did not sit well with my mother because she was so stuck in her routines. She was used to having the days to herself and suddenly he was there all the time and I think it took her some time to adjust to that new dynamic after all those decades. Is there a chance that something similar may be happening here?

With respect to her reaction to the message, if you know she tends to think any message is going to be "not good news", then start by saying you got an amusing message, or something along those lines, so that she is not steeling herself for the bad news. I have been dealing with depression for most of my life which means I am often thinking about things that have happened in the past, but with anxiety it is the opposite, it's worrying about what might happen now or in the future. So with that in mind, could you become more mindful of the way you approach a conversation that is not "bad news"? It's also a fact that we women are more emotionally wired and some of our reactions can confound the unsuspecting male. It never hurts to ask if there is something she wants to talk about when you are confused by her reactions.

I hope this helps a little, feel free to continue this conversation if you wish.

Take care,

indigo