help needed my husband is hiding alcohol

[nogo17]

Ive posted recently as i have just realised my husband is a high functioning alcoholic. He is in denile and now ive confronted him this week boy has thing's changed! Now he is hiding alcohol somewhere!! Taking beer bottles to the dump with the dump run; and my 12 year daughter saw him putting bottles in the next door neighbours bin!while i was at work I cant track anything now i dont know how i feel as i was needing that visual reassurance to help me stay sane!! When i confronted him about his drinking he just laughed in my face.. where else do they hide alcohol?? Or do I give up looking now?? Please help im soooo stressed out

[pipsy]

Dear nogo. You have just asked the $64,000 question re: hiding alcohol. He will hide it anywhere, he may even disguise cordial by pouring it into an empty cordial bottle. His laughing at your distress means he feels superior in his alcohol behaviour. If he has a job, he will take alcohol to work. Your stressing out, means at the moment he has the upper hand. I assume he has his own money so locking him out of any joint account might not be possible. I would consider contacting his boss and letting him know about your husbands alcohol addiction. It would not be breaching, he needs help and the more people who are aware of this illness, the less likely he will be able to have the occasional sip. Is he inclined to be violent, if he has shown violent tendencies in the past, please take care to avoid confrontations. You may have to consider moving away if he becomes agitated. I would also consider contacting Al Anon for some guidance. Al Anon has been formed to support families of alcoholics.

Lynda

[nogo17]

Thankyou for the reply pipsi; problem is is that he is self employed.. so i guess he could drink when ever he wants if he wanted.. i cant belive the overnight change once i confronted him he thinks hes so smart now hiding it or being more discrete then before! I only realised the amount he was drinking on dec29th a new box of beer every 2 days and whisky to finish.. outside from time he gets home till bedtime totally isolates me and kids for over 18months... hes not violent but hurtful with some comments but doesnt talk at all... they dont just stop drinking do they?? Is fefinanly hiding it. I think its in his car. We have separate accounts but he still isnt paying bills food etc we have 4 kids! I wish i was financially better so i could leave.. i cant handle to much more 😭😭😭😭😭

[blondguy]

Hello Nogo17

You have great strength to have posted and good on you!

The forums are a safe and secure place that you can post Nogo. I dont mind the occasional beer but 2 slabs every two days is not a good place for your husband and especially for you and your children....

More importantly I can hear the stress your are going through (and your 4 children bless them)

If I may ask you Nogo17 (if not no worries at all) is your husband treating you and your children okay?

The forums are a judgemental free zone as we will never judge you and/or your situation....

I wouldnt look for any hiding places....as the stress of doing so would be way too much.

Beyond Blue have the 24/7 support line if you are stuck 1300 22 4636..they are very kind & caring Nogo 🙂

Its just my opinion on what you have written Nogo, but this is not a healthy environment for you or your children.....especially the way you have been treated when you queried him.

we are here for you Nogo17

my kind thoughts for you and your children

Paul

[geoff]

hello Nogo, it's true that an alcoholic will swap any other fluid in the frig with his alcohol to disguise it which he may have in his shed, and he could be hiding in places you would never think about looking, by the way I was exactly the same as he is, because my sons would tip it out, so I kept on changing where I put it.
He will also take his empty bottles somewhere else to be dumped as soon as you mention where he is dumping them or he will hide them in boxes.
He isn't concerned about his drinking nor how you feel, which brings me to the question, do you think he has been or still is suffering from depression, maybe because of his self employed business.
There is always a reason why people need to drink, with me it was depression that made me drink all day long, but now I'm I only drink socially. Geoff. x

[pipsy]

Hi nogo. Your hubby being self employed is a concern as, if he is dealing with the public, his business will suffer as the public won't appreciate the obvious signs of inebriation. If he is suffering depression, this could be causing him to want to 'lose himself' by drinking to numb the pain of depression. That in itself makes for a vicious cycle of depression vs booze vs depression. Can I ask what type of person he is, by that, I mean is he someone who has to have everything going 'his way'. Is he a 'perfectionist'. He may be unsatisfied with his life and drinking helps him forget. He may consider himself to be a failure, yes - he has his own business, but being self employed is not without concerns, such as competition which is always a worry. The lashing out could be an indication of not wishing to show you he has concerns. Do you have any way of finding out how the business is going, generally? Does he employ a financial adviser, if so could you somehow ask how the business is going? Lynda

[nogo17]

Sorry i have not replied sooner Jeff, pipsy, paul and others… ok the situation now is this. Im feeling so sick.I am not functioning well worrying about it all. i went on a mission to obtain truth! to my husbands GP he was very helpful and said "that explains a lot about his health, then I went to my inlaws as they dropped off the radar to find out he had borrowed over $12k from them and tried to borrow another 4k! and told them i didn't want to see them.. this is only a new relationship with them, as he spend time in foster care as a child. then i got a text message from bank house payments are late- (mind you our mortgage payments are cheaper than average rent $295 a week)!.. when i discussed it with him he took off in car saying he was going to kill himself (again!) but then later returned. he stopped drinking for 4 days after i told him drinking is a deal breaker (had bad withdrawals).. but now he hides the drinking- I don't see him drinking anymore, and no alcohol in fridge down stairs but drinks a tonne of ginger beer! and comes home later in evening, but not a pub type. still sits outside alone, doesn't talk, I work long hours on weekends and my 8 year old son said he bought a beer drank it all on a saturday maybe 8 in total. He denied it at first, but then i said i saw him (white lie) then he admitted it! I feel sick from the lies, deceit, secrets, and paranoia now i have nothing of physical proof, I don't know where he is keeping it, in car, work shed, garden shed (which has a padlock i have no key).. I don't see him drinking but I'm not watching all the time with 4 kids inside.. my son said he got angry when i wasn't there as he was playing up, and my husband pouched him in the arm…he is 6 foot 2 and big! I lost it when i found out! he doesn't answer messages from family, the situation is very odd! I don't think he would have stopped all the sudden he was so sick the last time for 4 days withdrawing - after I confronted him about the borrowed money (18 months ago)!! I'm sure he hit the booze again.. I wonder if he is putting alcohol in ginger beer bottles, its crazy but I seem to need physical evidence, don't know why.. this hidding it, and act like he is doing nothing wrong is really hard… at this point my kids are also suffering my 11 year old daughter was crying he eyes out he was going to kill himself.. i don't trust him looking after the kids properly when I work. he has never been violent to me or kids, but is a different person!

[blondguy]

Hi Nogo

Im sorry about the late reply and thankyou again for being on the forums.

I am not doubting your son for a moment that he was punched in the arm. You are still in bad enough place even where the communication (or lack thereof) is concerned.

You also mentioned about the borrowing of large amounts of money too.

The threats he makes about killing himself are disturbing but can be used as a sign he is struggling...a lot

Good on you for seeing his GP.....Besides you being informed that it 'explains his behavior' did his GP say anything else? (just so we can get a better picture and can assist you more effectively)

Please excuse me for another question.....if thats okay of course (if not please ignore). Does he smell of beer after drinking ginger beer?

I think you have done really well by visiting his GP. For your 11 year old daughter to be exposed to her dad even discussing suicide is bad news. You are a caring and intelligent person nogo.....I hope you can report any act of violence to the police. I really feel for your son and daughter.

Your children come first here.....if you are stuck and need a voice on voice we have the Beyond Blue 24/7 Support Line that has very kind people to assist on 1300 22 4636

Please let us know how you are going when you can

my very kind thoughts for you

Paulx

[Celery]

Hello Nogo, I wish I could give you and your kids a big hug. I did not see your earlier posts but can relate so well to what you have expressed.

Firstly you already have the physical evidence that your husb is drinking..his absence, borrowed money, mortgage payments, unacceptable behavior towards your son and daughter being upset from his threat.

I would count how many cans and bottles my exh drank and it would give me a gauge to how his behaviour would change. Alcholism is progressive..it never gets better unless they stop for themselves and usually they need to hit a rock bottom for this to happen..some never give up.

You and your kids have not caused this, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. Your husband is a very sick man but he may not see it that way as alcoholism distorts their thinking.

I thought i could fix my exh and over many years became sick myself. My exh never was violent to me but was physically abusive to my sons to the point where my 13 year old wanted to suicide. It still took another 5 years for me to go and by that time our house and business was in a huge financial mess and all was lost.

I am not suggesting that you leave. But i do suggest you get yourself a lawyer and find out your rights etc..please dont waste your time talking to his family..you need solid unbiased guidance.

Pipsy mentioned also to go to Alanon a group for friends and relatives of alcoholics they have lots of very good information and can help you find your way out of your troubles before they consume you and your mental health.

As i mentioned I left so much so late as i really believed that my husb would put the bottle down because he loved us. I found out the hard an lonely way what alcoholism does to the whole family.

There is always hope. Hugx. Lil

[geoff]

hello Nogo, I'm sorry that this situation is becoming increasely worse, and he will hide it in coke bottles, ginger beer bottles, in jars maybe at the back of the pantry anywhere he can think of giving the impression that he isn't drinking, and it doesn't matter one bit if he stops for 4 days, he is still an alcoholic.
He could have it in a container in a hole in the ground and with a plant covering it, or a piece of string holding it attached to the paling fence, dangling over to next door neighbours property, especially if the the house next door is vacant.
Whether the money he borrowed was to pay off his credit card/cards maybe the reason, but it wouldn't be to any benefit for you or the kids, it is just him looking after himself, covering every possible link so that he won't be found out.
If he has been sick that only means that he's hit it pretty hard, and the reason he gets annoyed looking after the kids is because he doesn't want to tend to them, that interferes with his drinking, so he doesn't want to be disturbed or told off by anyone.
Can you put yourself into his situation, in other words, let's pretend you are the alcoholic, what would you expect could happen, him leave and take the kids or kick you out, because there is nothing what's so ever that would make you stop drinking.
When I was an alcoholic only because I was deeply depressed, it was one reason my wife divorced me after 25 years of married, she couldn't cope with the alcohol nor my depression and had given up on me, so she needed to start a new life and let me rot away by myself, however once the divorce had gone through and our house sold that's when my life changed, it had done a complete circle, my depression lifted and my alcohol consumption stopped to where I can now drink socially.
I didn't need the grog anymore and that's when I started replying on this site some 13 or 14 years ago.
That's what you need to do, divorce him and start a new life with the kids. Geoff. x