help needed my husband is hiding alcohol

[nogo17]

Ive posted recently as i have just realised my husband is a high functioning alcoholic. He is in denile and now ive confronted him this week boy has thing's changed! Now he is hiding alcohol somewhere!! Taking beer bottles to the dump with the dump run; and my 12 year daughter saw him putting bottles in the next door neighbours bin!while i was at work I cant track anything now i dont know how i feel as i was needing that visual reassurance to help me stay sane!! When i confronted him about his drinking he just laughed in my face.. where else do they hide alcohol?? Or do I give up looking now?? Please help im soooo stressed out

[nogo17]

Thank you all for replying I can not tell you how wonderful it is to have some support as I am not getting it from my family. The update is this- I went to AL ANnon first meeting on Valentine's night ( he didn't even speak that day )of course accused of having an affair why else would I be going out on Valentine's night🤔. I went and got legal advice seems the house is in my name but mortgage in both but I'm within my rights to kick him out. So I told him I saw a lawyer and I'm within my rights to get him to leave. He came home didn't say a word, got clothes off the clothes line took the outdoor TV and left. Haven't seen or heard for 3 weeks now. No how are the kids? Nothing? You are all correct they don't care about anyone. And the kids are not even really worried he's gone, they ask where he is and I have to say he has to go to hospital rehab to get better before we can let him come home. I know dam well he hasent been to rehab- rock bottom must not been hit yet.. Of course I'm left with everything financially I'm trying to get more hours at work before the house is lost. I'm doing the best I can, I'm run down doing everything but it was much like that before he left anyway, never came on a holiday, never goes to school events and so on. I've been single for a long time really. I have heard he has been telling everyone I kicked him out - not because he's an alcoholic! It does bother me he lies to everyone and they believe him - I'm always the bad guy. My own parents don't truly believe he has a problem- that breaks my heart- I do get some support from his father they tell me to get rid of him and look after myself and the kids. It's amazing how they can walk away from their own kids, not a care in the world. I don't know where he is living but I'm sure someone has taken him in. He gave a food voucher to my daughters gym coach last week- to give to our 11 year old daughter at training She was really embarrassed and there is chatter going on..he's still causing problems even not being here .. Having good days bad days, tell my self just keep going and do what is best for my self and the kids, and accept the fact he doesn't care less. (The dr said he wanted to put him rehab but has to get him to attend appointment first.. Don't know if he has been back)also said he will loose everything probably DUI as his liver isn't functioning correctly. .. X

[blondguy]

Hello Nogo17

You have really had to summon all of your strength during this awful period. I am very sorry that he his still indirectly giving you static even though he doesnt live with you and your children anymore.

I am certain that your and your kids quality of life will gradually improve since he has left. From what you have said he isnt in good health and has a rocky road ahead of him.

I understand that you are doing it really hard now with the complications of expenses and the ups & downs after what you have been through. Its still a much better place to be in than when we first had a chat 🙂

I think you are an amazing person and mum. You are a very very strong individual and your parents are spot on when they said " look after myself and the kids"

I understand its very hard but please ignore the comments he has been making about you and the blame game. You have 4 Huge reasons to gently forge ahead one day at a time. Its always easy for a person to blame others....It takes incredible courage to ignore such petty and unnecessary behaviour

I really do hope that you feel part of our Beyond Blue forum Family:-)

Your familys well being is important to us and we are here to support you

You children are fortunate to have such a kind and loving mum!

my kind thoughts

Paul

[nogo17]

Thankyou so much Paul, it really does feel like a family, and I am so grateful for having support. I guess the initial stage is always the hardest, speaking out, that your family is in crisis. At the end of the day, we don't expect addiction will distroy the family unit. Everything I read about having an alcoholic partner i can relate to, and still find it hard to believe it took me so long to work out alcoholism was the trouble and the cause of his behaviour. All his items are still here at the house, I wonder if he is expecting to come back. He will get a shock if thats the case, as i said alcoholism is a deal breaker, and i don't think i can really every trust him again, after the lies, stories and financial hardships, and neglecting the children I find that unforgivable. I guess I'm still very angry as i set out on my new journey, I am always telling myself " I can't control it, I can't cure it, and didn't cause it even though they like to blame the partner for everything that is wrong in their life. Thankyou again for all the kind words of support, people don't believe he is an alcoholic i can't get through to most people- so I've given up explaining it- hopefully they will see his true colours somewhere along the road and make their own decisions. The alcoholic memory loss has already started- I've worked weekends for 10 years, and one weekend before he left - he came in the house walking around the rooms looking for me, asking 11 year old where i was! At work she said!!! then he walked off.. and this is the man that is suppose to be responsible looking after the kids when I'm at work… in the mean time your right i have 4 reasons to keep going and try and build a stable life for- its not going to easy, but what choice is there- i refuse to have an alcoholic in my life or my children's life. I won't be an enabler. x

[nogo17]

Ahhrr another blow today.. Well I thought he may have possibly been to rehab but no.. Still staying somewhere else and drinking. Why I'm so devastated is this... My eldest daughter is now 18- I asked if she has Heard or seen from him and answer was no! I asked her to tell the truth! And no.. Now I've found out she lied and has been enabling and speaking each day to him- I've spent 3 weeks struggling in every means of the word following all al-anon recommendation not to enable- let him hit rock bottom - and to find out my own daughter has been enabling him after I explained enabling many times with her. So while I've been struggling doing the right things so i thought.. He has known everything going on... Sometimes I feel I can't win! I feel like back to square one! But I'm trying to keep telling myself just move on forget about him completely and think of myself and kids. He will hit rock bottom on his own eventually I hope!!!! It's tricky at times.. 😢😢😢😢

[blondguy]

Hi Nogo

You and I have a similar problem. A daughter caught in the cross fire

My daughter is 24 and has come out worse as a result of my separation from her alcoholic mum.

This is painful Nogo for sure but your daughter still sees her dad as her dad and doesnt have the life experience you do not to speak to him.....Please let her be......Her growth and well being can be effected by being the meat in the sandwich.

I understand that your separation is recent....no worries there. Let her speak to him....I know its mega painful but your daughter still has to find out for herself.....She didnt really lie to you Nogo...she is only trying not to take sides

Ive had this happen with my ex...I am now struggling because my daughter was sandbagged for speaking to me

You are an amazing mum Nogo...Please let your daughter find her own way on this one. My daughter now has anxiety & has self harmed as a result of being prevented to speak with to me.

My ex was 48kilos and drank nearly a cask of wine a day.

Your ex may well hit rock bottom as you said (which is sometimes necessary for a wake up call unfortunately)

Your biggest bonus right now is that your ex isnt in the house. I apologise if I have been judgemental in any way as the forums are a judgemental free zone and I dont mean to be in anyway.

You have the best seat in the house right now. Your daughter will see the reality in her own time

You are an amazing mum...no worries there....the kids may be 'grieving' right now despite what your ex has done and how he has behaved.

I am really happy that you are part of the Beyond Blue forum Family now.....and thanks heaps for the super kind compliment too 🙂

you are not alone

my kind thoughts

Paul

[geoff]

hello Nogo, I agree with Paul, let your daughter find out herself what he's like, eventually he will take advantage of her in some way, whether he borrows money of her and never repays it back, because he is never going to tell the truth, was he ever be honest with you, I would expect the answer to that is no.
The chances of him going to rehab are 'next to zero', and perhaps tell your daughter to go and live with her dad, then she will realise exactly what it's like living with a drunk and a lier, where he will be behind in all of bills and expect her to pay them.
She doesn't realise what she is getting herself into, because everything he promises her she will believe for a short time, but he will break every rule in the book, with the possibibility of stealing from her.
Just remember that there is nothing he loves more than alcohol, that's his life, your daughter will need to find out and it wouldn't take too long, because the money she wants to spend will be wasted on grog, and eventually this will annoy her. Geoff.

[nogo17]

Hi Paul; thankyou for your reply. Im sorry to hear about your ex- that is alot of alcohol to consume daily - and im heartbroken to hear about your poor daughter and what she went through its very serious and reiterates how alcoholism really is a family disease. Yes i wont stop her talking to him and im sure its correct she will find out herself what he is like... i guess it really makes no diffrrence if she talks to him or not the alcoholism is still there. I just stupidly thought loosing the family might inspire rehab but truth is he doesnt care. Its hard getting the head around the situation.. and yes im glad i got him out and we have a roof for now.... thanks so much for reply. X

[nogo17]

Hi geoff ; thankyou for your reply; its so lovely to have supportive people to cyper with. I agree after i calmed down that i won't stop her seeing; texting; ringing him.. im hoping she does get to see the true side.. im hoping its sooner than later. I guess im annoyed he is using her to find out things about us.. i was hoping not hearing from him in 3 weeks he may have been in rehab! While all along my daughter new where he was. I also wondered why he didnt come get his gear i thought must be rehab.. but no turns out living in a friends shed/garage. .. as a mum i still cant fathum thathe cut the kids off no communication to check how they are... but i have to try to remember the good person is gone- its almost like grieving death... i have to kust move on without him - of he only new the kids are not overlly concerned hes not here.. so goes to show his dad skills were lost some time ago... thanks again.. x

[nogo17]

Thankyou lil for replying really appreciate your reply and hearing your story- its sad but also good to hear others have or had experienced similar things. It really does destroy families doesn't it.. and the poor children suffer. Yes i agree i thought he would realise the pain he has put us through and stop drinking - but its just not going to happen- now hes gone he has the ability to do whatever he wants with out anyone nagging him. He will drink himself to death probably. Hes caused financial mess; lied; and very forgetful.business abot to go- I dont want him around the kids' good thing he hasent made contact since leaving neally 4 weeks ago. Living in a shed he couldn't have the kids anyway. May cause trouble eventually; but the law seems to protect kids a bit from alcoholic parents... The man i knew is gone.

[geoff]

hi Nogo, he won't go to rehab by himself unless he comes to his senses, probably when he visits his doctor because he has bad symptoms for being an alcoholic, which I'm not going to mention except to say that he may look jaundice, which is yellow in the face.
I remember when I was manager of a pub and some guys there drank like fish every single day, and only a very few I see today say that their doctor told them 'if you don't stop drinking , they wouldn't be here in 2 months', so some stopped while the rest passed away with cirrhosis of the liver, simply because they didn't care what happened to them.
It's only up to him whether he wants to stop or not. Geoff.x