help me with my options, relationship issues

[batman0504]

Hi there,

im new to this i have literally nowhere else to go or anyone to help. i have been in a relationship for almost 6 years, im engaged. our relationship has been a rocky one as have only really been with each other and nobody else. over the years we have had some amazing times and horrible times, she has had a rough upbringing which has taken its toll on her and a very very bad parent that controls her life even post 21 years of age, this controlling effects her profusely and through her effects me too, we have been trying to move out so we can try and live a life of our own and test the waters as i cant handle it anymore. she is on a similar boat but she also feels guilt towards abaonding her family despite their actions and carelessness towards her. we recently had a sizable arguement regarding our future she has come around and is trying to put in the effort to continue on however im feeling quite scarred and damaged from this and all the previous 5 years of arguements that its starting to leave a bad taste in my mouth towards her which i know isnt her fault but im starting to contemplate if our relationship really is what i want or is the right thing to push for.

ontop of this i have a best friend that i have known longer than my partner who happens to be female and gets along no worries with my partner. however previous to meeting my partner i had a crush on this friend and i decided that it wouldnt ever happen and i should move on, fast forward 6 years to present day and recently its come to my realisation that i am not over that crush, long story short my best friend fits my life better than my partner ever could and i have her almost on par or higher on my priority list for personal reasons not associated with being madly in love with her. im trying to decide if this is a phase and i can live with the crush buried in my head and push through with my relationship or if i should call it quits be single and wonder what could have been and/or sit and wait to see if my best friend ever comes around and confesses some unknown love for me that im not aware of. this friend of mine genuinely makes me feel like the luckiest person in the world and brings me more happiness than my partner ever could dream of. i know this sounds all quite bad but please dont judge me i cant control what i feel. i love both of them but on different levels and i am at wits end with what i should do. 😞

[batman0504]

Hi Chloe,

as far as i can see it my two decisions are A. end my relationship because of the position im in, i dont want to waste my partners time anymore i dont think its fair on them and i feel bad not feeling 100% about them, so option A is to cut loose and become single in hope that will maybe be the way forward from this for me, (irrespective of my best friend, if i am single i can just leave the door open to them so to speak, also if im single theyre more likely to say something if they feel something) option B is to stick to where i am and try to make my relationship work, but its super hard right now because of the feelings i have essentially bringing me down and me worrying about this happening again in the future not to mention that then i have the issue of trying to accept the feelings i have for my friend being unachievable.

my friend is away currently so it makes it difficult to try and better the friendship currently as they arent contactable as easily. but i am trying to sit where i am and feed effort into it as well as try to keep my partner happy for now . i can make a decision at any stage in time its just a case of i dont like making a decision till i feel 100% about the decision. i was hoping i would see clear or become 100% about a direction but im not quite there im still hovering at 70% vs 30% .

[batman0504]

Hi if anyones still there, just to let you know i have ended my relationship, it turned out to be a weight off my shoulders and it was the best decision i could have made for myself and my future.

i havent told my friend how i feel about her but since splitting with my partner those feelings nott hat i have fed them have come gushing through the flood gates really without me even being fully aware of them. so now im in a better position but still not a good position mentally. since april i have grown much much closer to her we have shared alot of moments and memories i have visited her a few times on the east coast and shes come back to west coast now to live.

we are literally the same person we manage to think the same things say the same things order the same things finish what the other person is saying, theres never been someone ever that i have met thats been on the same level and brainwave as me at all times. its uncanny even she thinks its insane how alike and similar we are. i really cant complain at all with all that if youd asked me back early april how the next 4 months would go and told me how its gone id not believed you for a second, the past 4 months my ex aside have been the hardest months of my life but with regards to my friend its been mindblowing and eyeopening how much we learned about each other and how similar we are and how well we work together and everything. i guess the part thats hard for me is this is all fantastic things to have and know. but now im in constant fear that things will change or she will get sick of me cause everyone does eventually. shes reassured me over the 7 years i known her that that isnt the case. but what kills me more is i cant really admit or dont wanna admit it to her how much i love her for the obvious reasons. and i dont know if she feels the same way, if she doesnt it will destroy me. shes currently single so if she does find anyone that'll kill me too. and im just trying to survive everyday in hope and faith. its really destroying me mentally..

[Chloe_M]

Hi Batman,

Am writing a post up but currently engaged

I'm very sorry I didn't respond to your earlier post... sometimes I think threads get lost 😞

x Chloe

[Chloe_M]

Ok, I'm back.

Its good to hear from you again, even though things are not as you want them to be I am glad that your mental state has improved a little after deciding to split with your ex.

You are now currently feeling the same way that I was for a long time. My ex and I had split and I was so, so scared that he would find someone else. Now, I am getting over him (finally) and the fact that he has had 3 girlfriends since me no longer hurts me. When he was dating the first 2, I was more depressed and anxious than usual. It hurt so much, especially since he was my best friend. We were always together, so he was always talking to me about her. Eventually, I accepted that it was no longer me, I was not the special one. I should stop talking; this isn't about me. What I'm trying to say is that these feelings are normal to some extent and that many have dealt with them before and have made it through.

What I think you should do is this- observe her and her actions for the next couple of weeks. See how she reacts to your presence, affection, whatever. But don't read too much into it. That way, you won't be let down as much if she doesn't return those feelings. But do not give up hope- friendship often becomes love.

If you feel after observing her for a few weeks, that it would be worth a shot telling her that you love her, make sure you think about how you're going to do it. If she loves you too, have a good think, and advise her to as well. My best friend and I dated and look how that ended- our friendship is nowhere near as strong and I am mentally unstable, and was worse a few months back. It may be better to stay close friends and at least have the knowledge that she loves you and that she knows you love her than to take your relationship to the next level and risk the beautiful friendship you have now.

I hope you have a good night's sleep and that all goes well for you. It was nice to see you again. Feel free to keep me and the others here updated on what happens.

take care,

Chloe 🙂

[batman0504]

Hey Chloe, no stress thats okay i appreciate it.

i am 100% fine with my ex now im done with that it doesnt hurt me if shes with or sees other people, it was a clean cut for me and the fact that nothing about her effects me reminds me that it was the correct decision to make. as for my best friend, its been since march that we have been able to grow quite close, and the past month or so i have been able to visit her and spend alot of time with her and we have grown very close very close in some of the things we share, say and have done, - nothing like that. so im a bit stuck in between, there are things we share and say and done to or for each other and im like well, that makes me think that there is a chance, then theres other times where she will mention something or say something that makes me doubt theres a chance, so im kind of stuck in a rock and a hard place. i know shes always fully believed in not judging people for how they feel towards others as you cant handle or choose feelings. but part of me gets scared that if i did admit it and she didnt feel the same way that shed double think everything i said or did for her which would make our friendship drop down a tier or two. im pretty certain it wouldnt effect how she saw me or our friendship aside from the fact that she might struggle with things i say or do now for her after i admit it to her cause she might be afraid im doing them for the wrong reasons if that makes sense? so im kinda just doing what im already doing and seeing how things go, shes got a busy few months settling down so im probably not about to admit anything for a few months at least id say right up till november would be written off depending on how she settles. shes admitted she wants to travel with me and has mentioned a few places cause we are so alike shed never pick anyone better than me to travel and explore with so im kinda holding onto that as something to look forward too

[Chloe_M]

Hey,

Its good that you are able to look back and not regret the choice you made- this will make it easier for you to 'advance' with your best friend (meaning any feelings for her would not be limited by feelings of regret about your ex).

So she appears to be giving mixed signals.

I've noticed that when someone likes someone else, especially if that someone is one of their good friends, they say stuff that they don't mean. I'll give you an example. So person A has a crush on person B. Person A goes out of their way to say things they don't mean (especially if they think that their feelings aren't returned), for example someone goes 'ew, its person B' as a joke. Person A takes this opportunity to say something that they think will convey the fact that they don't like person B, because they think that the feelings they have for person B are super obvious. In most cases, person A's feelings are not obvious. This happens a lot with my friend group, as there are both girls and boys. When things like that happen as a one-off, its kind of like a friend thing. When you start to notice it happening frequently, that's when I start to notice other signs, like the scientific ones that point to attraction.

Understand? Haha sorry if its a little confusing.

Let me know what happens- I understand completely the feeling you are feeling now 🙂

Take care,

Chloe

[batman0504]

HI Chloe,

thanks for that i had to read it twice but i understood. i guess im getting mixed idea yeah. there are lots of things said, done actions taken that point to both sides of the fence. i know that she was getting teased at work cause of me, by friends in a friendly manner cause i fit the description for the type of guys she goes for. which i new already. but i guess i get alot of mixed information from her she does do what you were saying not so much in that example but the idea is there more often than not. its even harder cause shes got so much going on right now in her life shes jam packed with things shes so busy shes not got time to think so im trying to just hit pause till shes settled and caught up to life so to speak as shes got alot of changes going on right now att he moment with relocating. i guess im not in fear of losing her i know il never lose her. but im in total fear that at some stage shes gonna be ready to explore other people whether its finding someone once off or finding someone who she would like as a partner official or unofficial and when that day comes if it comes im terrified as to how im going to react to the news. if she hadnt known by then how i feel i feel like she'd find out pretty quick by my reaction... im a strong minded and strong willed person but this is the first thing in my life that im unsure if il be able to tackle head on. just hearing about her ex's or people shes been interested in in past life is hard enough for me to know. for a negitive pessamistic person im trying my best to be hopeful and positive and have faith. purely on the fact that in the entire time i known her and in my life shes the only person whos gone against the grain been the sheep that stands out. she always always comes through for me shes different and shes never let me down even when im overthinking and convince myself shes bored of me and im having a bad day il get a message or call or soemthing and she literally proves me wrong, thats all my diary is full of. one days entry of me complaining and overthinking then the next day its like so i was full of it yesterday she proved me wrong without even knowing what was going on in my head. if that makes sense at all? so i guess im trusting that instinct in a way.

[Chloe_M]

Hi

Yeah it makes sense. I'd say trust your gut, its probably (but not always) right.

How have you been?

Chloe 🙂

[batman0504]

Hi Chloe,

up and down, the weekend was good we spent a bit of time together shopping, just been doing my best to be there for her and help her with everything shes got going on. so i cant complain time spent with her is time spent well. i guess im just trying really really hard to be as positive and worry free as possible as i can be if i got any fighting chance at anything with her in the future thats the best way im going to be able to get it. im still no further though dont know if im too far gone and just a friend or if im still on the fence inbetween or if shes not telling me something.. shes had and still has alot on so i dont know where i stand. dont know if il ever know where i stand. i guess im just trying to be positive and just keep doing what im doing, obviously whatever im doing works for her and i guess just cross my fingers and hope for the best.. guess my only 2 fears is she will never see me the same way i see her or she finds someone else. all really things that are out of my hands, but i guess the reason theyre a fear is cause shes different and how i feel and see her is different to anything i ever felt or experienced in my life. and i honestly can say hand on heart that there wont be anyone able to match what she gives me emotionally and personally. thats why i get afraid, cause i genuinely know shes one in a million and the chances of finding someone whos essentially identical to her in every way is near impossible.

[Chloe_M]

Hi,

Sorry I haven't been around, I have been very busy with new members and also my life off the forums...

How are you going?