Help, I need to separate from my husband due to abuse but he has a MI...

[emotionallydrained]

I'm new here and very scared of posting on a forum.

My husband has been a long time sufferer of anxiety and it has impacted on our relationship and life for well over 10 years. I've always tried to support this as best I can to the point where I've missed family events, functions and just general day to day life events that most take for granted. It started as general depression and manifested in a phobic anxiety. The phobia is mainly illnesses and getting sick (cold and flu). This has made going out hard. I have tried to respect it and help but by helping all I've done is enable the issue. I've now made it ok to control me, tell me not to go out with friends during winter and tell me not to hug my son when he's sick so I don't get sick too. If I get sick, the whole house falls apart as it triggers his anxiety.

He's sought treatment a long time ago and doesn't like medications because he doesn't like his reactions to them. He feels he is coping and he can function in life. And he can. He can hold down a job (quite good at his job) and no one is ever any the wiser. He always touches stuff when we're out so I don't have to. I'm the chauffeur and shag on a rock most the time.

My family and friends have been telling me I'm being controlled and emotionally abused into thinking I have to give up these things to support him. When I bring it up I constantly get told I'm being selfish by asking to go to a function as I'm not considering how it affects his illness or what happens if I get sick.

Our child is now affected by this and can sense there is an issue. When your child asks for a cuddle and you can't give it until he is well again is a big problem and one I can't accept as ok anymore.

He has also become angry and violent over the last few years. Our arguments are heated and he can blow up in the space of minutes. I'm always the instigator apparently. I make him angry or I came home 15 minutes late from a party I was once allowed to go to for 1hr and he told me when he gives an inch I take a mile. I keep apologising and saying sorry to keep the family together. I'm at the point where I can't do it anymore - for me and my child.

My question is, what do I do? When he is not stressed or angry and living by the rules things are ok. But I'm just one anger episode away from another outburst. How do you leave someone who is suffering MI when they say you're not supportive?

[ecomama]

Dear emotionallydrained

Thankyou for popping back to let us know how things are going....

It's hard.

I can hear you wearing down in the post above.
Your family is very important to you and that's GOOD.
You show that your own family is priority but extended family are important too.

It's going to have to come out that certain things need to change for you to move forward and be happy in the marriage.

Is your H also Christian?
From my POV "forgiving" is a very Christian value but not forgetting.

It's not healthy to have things building up... we can forgive and it's VERY healthy for us to do so, it's not so with forgetting. It's important to remember. Some things can never be forgotten.

Remember there are always the helplines to call for you.
You are important and your voice is not heard in that marriage.
Your extended family relationships should be honoured also.

Do you attend Church?
Are you allowed to go to Church events?

I remember those days, it's really hard. But I will never say separating and Divorcing is "easy" either. Esp with the palaver of Family Law nowadays. It's a minefield.

Finding ways of "managing" and getting something that resembles a voice and more equal standing in the marriage will be very important.

I know it wouldn't be easy upsetting the apple cart at the moment.
But if next time H asked why you look so glum, you may be able to share a point?
Choosing your battles!

Thinking of you.
EM

[emotionallydrained]

Hi EM,

Thank you. I do feel at a cross roads but I've felt that for a while.

H was raised Catholic but he's not a practicing one or even exhibiting values of being Christian. No I don't go to Church, I haven't for a long time. I'm just a silent Christian I guess you could say.

I do have a say on things, but if it's something that challenges him or challenges his MH Issues then I get reminded how I'm not being supportive or he gets angry that I want to do something that could put me at risk of getting sick. I got out of the car at school pick up a few weeks back and was asked why I did that when there is a pick up zone. It was a nice day and the pick up zone was full so thought I'd walk the 200m to the gate. But that was putting myself at risk and I got questioned why I did that. When the apple cart is smooth then it's ok. He's all good. But if I ask to go to a night out with school Mums when I get asked, I get met with no not this time or excuses like "it's cold at the moment", "it's cold/flu season", "maybe next time" or my favourite, "I don't go out with friends". I don't really have any good friends since moving because everyone is more an acquaintance or FB friend. I've been told by people not to ask and just say I'm going, but I still get met with the same reactions of why did you do that, what am I supposed to do then, or worse, a feeling of just doing what I want with no regard for how he might feel or how it affects his anxiety etc.

Right now just writing all this he would think I am complaining about him. He says that to me randomly now - "oh I bet you don't go and tell that to your 'friend'" when I do something that has angered him. I mistakenly told him I'd been talking to my friend in another state about some things. Now I feel guilty talking to my best friend about things because I feel I'm betraying. If I bring up my feelings I get asked why am I trying to cause trouble or trying to cause a fight. So I've bottled it up now and resort to venting to my BF and now here.

[ecomama]

Awww emotionallydrained, it's really horrible. Big hugs.

H is really using anything and everything to keep you walking on egg shells and socially isolated from any potential friends and known family.

It's far too much.

I can't put it down to his health or MH issues - they are simply actions abusers do.

What can you do?

That's a biggie.... can you book Marriage Counselling?
They do this via Zoom so H can't complain about that lol!

It's just not SAFE for you to bring anything up and that's not right.

H is a bully.

When Detectives and Police were here interviewing us a few times, the female Detective said "Do you have any questions?" and we said no. This happened all the time.

Then on her last visit here, she said "You are really the family of no questions. This shows evidence of long term abuse".... I was shocked. I had done ALL the Courses I could by that stage on DV and FV....

apparently when abusers use "coercive control" over a long period.... then we stop asking anything.

The normal thing is not having to "ask" at all.
Your friends are correct. We can just tell our partners we are doing such and such... that IS normal...

then there's those of us who are victims of DV.
Too afraid of upsetting H.
Too afraid of doing anything wrong - because even when we do everything right, there's always something wrong with that too... we become overladen with responsibility for THEIR reactions.

And this isn't normal, nor correct, nor right.

I lived with this for nearly 20y (and more). It gave me PTSD and anxiety and depression.
That's so sad for my kids to have witnessed. They experienced horrors that came out in Court.

I couldn't have ended the marriage any earlier due to FL and kid's ages. But I did in the end and am SO glad I did.

I'm also a Christian (my own form of Christian too lol). I Pray ALOT. I have a Church and seldom go because of the children's things. But I have connections there and am grateful for those friendships.

I hope you can find a way to stand up for yourself and your son when he's unwell.

Love EM

[emotionallydrained]

Thank you so much for your continued support EM. I really appreciate it. 🙂

If you don't mind me asking (and you don't have to answer if you don't want to) how did your relationship finally end? I'm struggling with coming to terms with the potential ending and if it's the right thing and how it'll all play out. I know there is no crystal ball, I just wish there was a right answer.

I struggle the most with the inconsistencies and fluctuations in events. Most the time it's ok or seems to be ok (but it's still really not, it's maybe more just manageable) and I feel like I'm overreacting. Then an incident will happen or something triggers the same behaviour that upsets me and it all comes back again. He gave me an out last year when we had an argument and he stormed in and said he wanted a divorce and tell him why we shouldn't. I mounted a case and here we are. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that day and change my answer. I probably would have made it to my mum's 60th a few weeks after that instead of missing out. Now it's going to be me that's the bad guy or the one carrying the burden. I guess I just wasn't ready or too scared.

[ecomama]

I would answer anything you ask but for exposure of who I really am.

You wouldn't believe me if I told you! lol...

I stayed and stayed. It was a horrible "existence". ex was extremely demanding & abusive and I can't go into all the minute details but it was bl**dy awful.

Then "something" came out.
I kicked him out but he kept coming back and in the end used Police to gain entry even.

I ended up securing half of the house for me and the kids.

It took around 6y in 5 different Courts to finally be rid of him, forever I had hoped. (Not so. He still does stuff but outside the CCTV cameras Victim's Services put in for us).

ex is a psychopath - coined by Police and known by my Legals too.

I think H there is an abuser - clearly he is. Whether he has Narc traits or not IDK.

The thing is we CAN'T know how things will play out.

We have to jump into the abyss and go for it. But I wished I'd known as much as I know now way back at first meeting lol! I tried to kick him out of MY house a number of times...

anyway I digress.

I changed the locks on my half of the house. After a year of me trying to negotiate a Parenting Plan and house changeover (MY house which he got his name onto)... ex was WEIRD and slimy and I got sick after he ate here (I worked out later he was poisoning me)...
ex sent a barrage of Lawyer's letters which I ignored... was preparing to answer but he stepped in and ended that. I refused any reconciliation.
I gave up and went No Contact. Withheld the children because FACS told me to. I was terrified but did it.

About 2y later ex lodged in Family Law Court. ex ONLY wanted money but pretended to want the kids too - in the end ex consented to my Proposed Orders and I got the kids 100% and with years of all my paperwork gathering (he had destroyed everything)... I slammed ex and gave it a pittance. Around $70k in legals and I starved to pay them.

There were other Courts too but this would reveal my ID.

Indeed ex had been vilifying me for DECADES and even had my own adult children from a previous marriage turn against me. All my family too. Most of my "friends".

My strongest recommendation is for you to speak with the free Women's Legal Services.

I am happy to talk more about your situation and mine if it will help!

You don't need "a reason" to end a marriage. No fault divorce we fought for. You have plenty of reasons.

EM

[emotionallydrained]

Hi EM,

Thank you for sharing. Sorry it has taken me a while to reply. I've been worried about coming back to my post as things are ok at the moment. When I say ok, no arguments, relatively peaceful and nothing to cause stress and tension. So I'm again in the stage where I'm doubting myself and regretting having these thoughts. I have anxiety everyday that I'm being deceitful and betraying. I always live with some form of guilt - whether it be upsetting a family member or upsetting him.

But even though things are calm, I'm still not happy. And that's how I know I've finally been broken. Other times I've gone back to happy or had something to look forward to, but I've been so much more depressed this year and the events of last year broke me. I just wish I was strong enough and felt this way last year when I had the chance. Now I just have to wait and see how things play out. Not having any family or friend support close by is really hurting me as well. These border closures could not be at a worse time because I literally feel alone.

[ecomama]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It's pretty obvious to me why you're feeling depressed.
It's no wonder really.

I understand your feelings of deceit, but the truth is you can't share these thoughts with H AT ALL because you know what happens. So what can you do?

I think you need to suggest marriage counselling to H.

I'm sure you don't want to get more depressed!

You NEED to be able to live a "normal" life.

You can see you GP and discuss these issues. I'd just hate anti-depressants to be prescribed without you having the opportunity to seek Counselling and the situation not improve for you.

What do you think?
EM

[emotionallydrained]

It's been a few weeks and things have been ok except for a small incident on the weekend where we were putting a bike together and I was meant to be holding the handle bars and they fell and they dented. He said you had one job and then proceeded to tell me how I'd go and claim DV to my friends if he had a go at me but not mention that I did the wrong thing in the first place. I have tried to talk to him previously about our situation (very small amount) and that I had been speaking to my best friend, now it comes up in arguments and the claiming DV. 😞

Anyway, I was in the wrong there and accepted that and owned up to not holding the bars when I should have been. But the responses afterwards are what get to me. After about 5 mins it was ok again and we got the bike built.

Apart from that, we've had a nice coupe of weeks for school holidays going on day trips and that's always when I think things will be ok and I'm overreacting. Then a small thing like the bike happens and it reminds me all over again.

I've been feeling more depressed lately - mostly because things have been better (not perfect, but bearable) and it makes me feel worse. Today was a low day. I'm feeling the pressure with my work and as I work for myself, there is no one to do the work but me. I log on late at night to work when everyone else is in bed and by then I'm exhausted and can't focus. I have 5 hours a day to myself during school/work hours but I'm finding I'm spending half of it just catching up on housework, washing, cleaning, cooking and just all the Mum/wife jobs. When everyone is home it's hard to work because I'm always doing something for someone. My husband doesn't like to wonder in the kitchen so I'm getting food, snacks, drinks etc. and it's tiring. I'm tired of being the one who does everything from cook, clean, drive places, help build bikes when no one is there to help me. I have to sit in my quiet time and try and catch up on work and keep my customers happy. I feel I'm failing at that at the moment too. I've put on weight from depression eating which is making me even more depressed. Even if I say I have work to do I get the "it's just 30 minutes of your time that I need" which always seems to turn into an afternoon.

Then tonight, I snapped at my husband for a really silly reason and now he's not talking to me except for short responses to my questions. He's the be grieved. I always do this. I always become the perpetrator.

Anyway, I just wanted to vent 🙂

[Guest_1643]

hey there

that sounds really difficult and confusing for you about the status of your relationship

Some people use their sense of being aggrieved as a weapon -

i think it would be very painful to receive such strong reactions from someone you live with and also for DV to be spoken about like that - DV is real, and it seems like he's making light of it a bit.

[ecomama]

Vent away. We're always here.

I think you're being worn down with unhappiness and discontent.

Even receiving the silent treatment is a form of control. Passive aggressive behaviour it can be termed.

H seems really good at getting his way.

Now wonder you're exhausted.

Maybe you can do a "Division of Chores" list with H. Or FOR H.
Are the Libraries open for using computers there?
That's what I had to do when in similar situation.
I would book 3 different computers and try to smash it all out.

EM