Help, I need to separate from my husband due to abuse but he has a MI...

[emotionallydrained]

I'm new here and very scared of posting on a forum.

My husband has been a long time sufferer of anxiety and it has impacted on our relationship and life for well over 10 years. I've always tried to support this as best I can to the point where I've missed family events, functions and just general day to day life events that most take for granted. It started as general depression and manifested in a phobic anxiety. The phobia is mainly illnesses and getting sick (cold and flu). This has made going out hard. I have tried to respect it and help but by helping all I've done is enable the issue. I've now made it ok to control me, tell me not to go out with friends during winter and tell me not to hug my son when he's sick so I don't get sick too. If I get sick, the whole house falls apart as it triggers his anxiety.

He's sought treatment a long time ago and doesn't like medications because he doesn't like his reactions to them. He feels he is coping and he can function in life. And he can. He can hold down a job (quite good at his job) and no one is ever any the wiser. He always touches stuff when we're out so I don't have to. I'm the chauffeur and shag on a rock most the time.

My family and friends have been telling me I'm being controlled and emotionally abused into thinking I have to give up these things to support him. When I bring it up I constantly get told I'm being selfish by asking to go to a function as I'm not considering how it affects his illness or what happens if I get sick.

Our child is now affected by this and can sense there is an issue. When your child asks for a cuddle and you can't give it until he is well again is a big problem and one I can't accept as ok anymore.

He has also become angry and violent over the last few years. Our arguments are heated and he can blow up in the space of minutes. I'm always the instigator apparently. I make him angry or I came home 15 minutes late from a party I was once allowed to go to for 1hr and he told me when he gives an inch I take a mile. I keep apologising and saying sorry to keep the family together. I'm at the point where I can't do it anymore - for me and my child.

My question is, what do I do? When he is not stressed or angry and living by the rules things are ok. But I'm just one anger episode away from another outburst. How do you leave someone who is suffering MI when they say you're not supportive?

[ecomama]

Hi emotionally drained... I finally found you.

I've read all the posts here and it is without a shred of doubt I say it's blatantly obvious you are in a Domestic Violence situation.

You can phone 1800RESPECT and there are brilliant Counsellors and Psychologists who can support you, please I urge you to call them. If you give them your name they can keep notes and then it's easier for them to take the next step in supporting you the next time you call.
I think I've called them about 30 times, maybe more.

Please understand that the events you are describing may show up red flags for your son being exposed to Family Violence and authorities take this very seriously. Therefore you can block your number when you call a helpline and not give your name.

I'm out of the dv situation now.

You can Google any of the following in italics, or anything else:
* the Cycle of Violence
* gaslighting
* blame shifting
* Social isolation
* Family isolation
* controlling behaviours of abusers
* rug sweeping

Then there's behaviours of victims of abuse:
* taking full responsibility for abuser's behaviours
* constantly apologising
* confusion
* acquiescence
* bending over backwards in efforts to please the abuser
* thinking you're going crazy (you're not btw)
* walking on egg shells
* avoidance (of normal activities in efforts to prevent an outburst from abuser - it doesn't work btw they just keep tightening the reigns)

It's clear H is an abuser.
Underlying "phobias" are separate altogether.
I'm confident in saying there are more MHIs or personality disorders going on for H.
NOT your fault.

When son is ill, I would isolate myself from H and stay with son.
Or suggest H isolates himself from you both so you can care for son.

Knowing your thread is entitled 'help I need to separate from my h..'

When H packs your bags does he envisage you taking son with you?
Or is it under threat that son will stay with him?
Do you have a mortgage together?

Victorians will not be in lock down forever I Pray.... I know your parents and family can't help you atm but they will be able to one day.

In the meantime you can get your ducks in a row and work out a plan.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this.
EM

[emotionallydrained]

Thank you Juliet.

It is so hard when he thinks he's doing right by me and trying to protect me and my child. He can't understand why it bothers me so much that I can't go to the supermarket or spend a day shopping with my Mum. He's like why do you want to go to the shops when you can shop online and it's easier? I can't explain it really... something about wondering around and seeing things, speaking to a stranger just to say how's your day or spending the day with my Mum trying on a dress. It's silly, but strangely things I enjoy because I feel free.

I have emotionally distanced myself by default I think. I used to cry so much on my own in the shower or late at night, but lately I've withdrawn even more. I feel numb most days or lately just anxious about how all this will end or play out. I used to be such a bubbly happy person, but I am honestly a shell of who I used to be. My face must have the always angry look because he always says what's wrong or why you pulling that face. Oops!

I can't really do much that's just me because I'm limited on the "safe" things I can do. And in this current environment where the Govt are limiting life for you, it's even harder. I can't just go for a coffee with a friend (I don't really have any friends where we live - we moved states for a fresh start and all my family and friends are in another state) so it's hard to do that. I don't venture out much except for school pick up or Bunnings trips. We got fishing in the summer holidays, but I don't really like fishing that much. He and my child do, so I go along because it makes them happy and it's family time in the sun.

Last time I picked where we went for a family outing I picked a beach about an hour from where we live. I like the beach, but in the car on the way there I got asked why we were going so far and why did I pick this place to go to when we could have gone closer or a beach he liked. The tension just built and it wasn't really a good relaxing time. I just like going for drives and exploring places, but in the car tensions always rise. I always seem to do something "dumb" like not brake quick enough or something that I get told off for.

Sorry, this sounds so silly doesn't it? Every time I come to write on here I remember something else - little things that I wish weren't there.

[Guest_1643]

Hi there - i don't judge you at all for how long you stay , but i know I judge myself also - it took me a long time as well to understand how things operate. For me I think it's like - there was no alternative voice to challenge his (abusive) opinions. So I just got sucked in to them. And then I started calling Lifeline. And I heard a different perspective. And I started thinking I wasn't imagining things, and that maybe he was not as correct as he told me he was... yes it's all very painful. It takes time.

Don't worry about when your time for help/recovery comes. It's not so easy. I believe you, for what it's worth, and I hear you.

Stay strong.

[emotionallydrained]

Thanks Sophie, I definitely have a boundaries issue. I'm very accommodating to others and always drop what I'm doing to help them. Certainly something I can work on. 🙂

[emotionallydrained]

Hi EM,

Thank you, I'm glad you found me! Yes, there's lots going on and I didn't even realise how much until I started talking. I did cal 188respect last week and spoke to them so I will certainly be using them as a guide and to help me.

My child is definitely not in any danger, they are well loved by both parents and H is a good dad. It's just the issues arise when challenged.

That's a great idea about saying he isolates instead of the other way around.

I'm not sure any thought goes into the threats, they are more just words in the heat of the moment I'm sure. Yes, we have a mortgage.

I am just trying to work out what I do, how I fix this or what the answer is.

Thanks again. 🙂

[emotionallydrained]

Thanks Sleepy21.

Can I ask, have you left your relationship or still there? How did it play out for you?

I'm scared of the flow on effect which is probably why I've also let the cycle continue.

[samsara11]

I'm sorry you have been living like this. I know leaving a marriage seems like a big thing, but you need to do it for yourself and your child. People leave marriages and get divorced all the time (I did, it's not that big a deal, you made vows but why live in misery for the sake of a vow? he vowed to make you happy and put you first but he doesn't feel bad about breaking that vow does he?). Abuse is abuse. You and your child will be much happier without this person, and you only have one life to live. I always ask myself, when I'm on my deathbed will I say "I'm so glad I stayed with this person, it was worth wasting my life just because i felt bad about leaving him."?

This is the start of working on your self love and boundaries, when you leave you can continue that work a lot easier.

[Sophie_M]

Hi emotionallydrained,

We can hear that this situation is still taking a lot out of you, and we just want to state that although it has been great that so many members have been reaching out to give their support and advice, it is imporant for us to recognise the fact that it is never easy to leave an abusive relationship, and that on average it takes women multiple attempts to leave an abusive relationship because of all these factors you've raised above. 

People are not weak for staying in abusive relationships, and leaving an abusive relationship is fraught with many complications and barriers that we can do our best to help you navigate. Ultimately, as the person who is actually experiencing this, you are the absolute best person and authority to know what is best or safe for you to do, and what you need to move forward whether you feel ready to leave right now or not.

Domestic Violence Resource Centre Victoria has a page of stories from women who have left abusive relationships, and you might find it helpful to read about the experiences of women who have been through something similar, and it might be helpful to consider talking to someone like a domestic violence counsellor, or even just a counsellor in general to try and sort out all these conflicting feelings. Our counsellors on our Support Service are always happy to provide some mental health information and referrals at 1300 22 4636, and you can also find a list of domestic abuse services by state in the DVRC directory. 

This should be a safe, nonjudgmental space for you to be able to freely talk about what you are going through, emotionallydrained, so please know that we are here to do whatever we can to support you.

 

[ecomama]

Dear emotionallydrained

Who's idea was it to move interstate to "start afresh"?

This is also a red flag to isolate you away from family and friends.
To gain more control.

Abusers don't have to think about what they do. It comes naturally to them.

I know you said you have to decide what to do, and you do each day.
Sophie_M pointed out that it can take a number of attempts to leave before a DV Victim leaves for good.... I understand the National average to be around 17 attempts. Some more some less.
Who knows how those stats are calculated... I doubt women who didn't survive are counted there.

I think you've been very smart joining BB and congratulations on calling 1800RESPECT, they are so wonderful. It's a huge step even admitting there's something amiss.... you've done SO well.

There is also Women's Legal Service who are BRILLIANT. You can ask any and all questions about where you stand re: Parenting and Property with a free Family Lawyer. No strings attached, just like 1800RESPECT.

I can guess H makes it quite clear you cannot take your son when he packs your bags.
This is a threat and using your son to manipulate you.

If you aren't already, try to become financially independent of H. Some people study, I knew a lady who studied Family Law, became a Family Lawyer then left. Well done her.
Maybe H would not let you study out of the home, there are plenty of online Courses you could do.

Anyway how are you doing now?

EM

[emotionallydrained]

Hi EM,

Thank you for your support.

In answer to your question, it was a joint decision to leave. We both wanted out of where we were due to increase in home invasions etc. but the location was secondary. I was looking at a town in the same state but the thought to move further north was appealing. I thought putting space between H and my family would eradicate a few issues there and ease tensions as my family are close so this was also a cause of tension and arguments. In the early days he used to say I was in their pocket too much and I had to break away. I was always independent and never financially reliant but I did always go to family functions and visit and genuinely enjoyed my family's company. He seemed to at first as well but then an issue made it uncomfortable and it all changed. They had to call before coming over and then if he didn't feel like visitors I had to lie and say we were busy. They're hands on, but not the controlling types. They are just caring parents. I guess writing this in a way I had to choose between my loyalty to my husband or my family. I was told he was my new family and our little family came first.

How am I doing now? It's strange, I'm back in the limbo zone where things are ok. He's relaxed, not overly stressed at the moment and our home projects are coming along finally. When it's like this I do think it'll be ok but things are in a holding pattern a little. The things that usually challenge like visitors aren't happening because of covid and our child is well at the moment.

But I know there's long term effects happening and I can't keep them up. I'm still very guarded and protective of my heart now. He's commented I seem distant and being moody. It's hard to be happy because then I feel like I'm betraying myself or being happy will make me forget what's happened. As a Christian though, it's hard not to try to forgive and forget. But missing important family milestone's was the tipping point. No reason is reason enough and I would have never said no to any family event of his. If he chose not to go then that was on him, but it was never because I said no.