Help, I need to separate from my husband due to abuse but he has a MI...

[emotionallydrained]

I'm new here and very scared of posting on a forum.

My husband has been a long time sufferer of anxiety and it has impacted on our relationship and life for well over 10 years. I've always tried to support this as best I can to the point where I've missed family events, functions and just general day to day life events that most take for granted. It started as general depression and manifested in a phobic anxiety. The phobia is mainly illnesses and getting sick (cold and flu). This has made going out hard. I have tried to respect it and help but by helping all I've done is enable the issue. I've now made it ok to control me, tell me not to go out with friends during winter and tell me not to hug my son when he's sick so I don't get sick too. If I get sick, the whole house falls apart as it triggers his anxiety.

He's sought treatment a long time ago and doesn't like medications because he doesn't like his reactions to them. He feels he is coping and he can function in life. And he can. He can hold down a job (quite good at his job) and no one is ever any the wiser. He always touches stuff when we're out so I don't have to. I'm the chauffeur and shag on a rock most the time.

My family and friends have been telling me I'm being controlled and emotionally abused into thinking I have to give up these things to support him. When I bring it up I constantly get told I'm being selfish by asking to go to a function as I'm not considering how it affects his illness or what happens if I get sick.

Our child is now affected by this and can sense there is an issue. When your child asks for a cuddle and you can't give it until he is well again is a big problem and one I can't accept as ok anymore.

He has also become angry and violent over the last few years. Our arguments are heated and he can blow up in the space of minutes. I'm always the instigator apparently. I make him angry or I came home 15 minutes late from a party I was once allowed to go to for 1hr and he told me when he gives an inch I take a mile. I keep apologising and saying sorry to keep the family together. I'm at the point where I can't do it anymore - for me and my child.

My question is, what do I do? When he is not stressed or angry and living by the rules things are ok. But I'm just one anger episode away from another outburst. How do you leave someone who is suffering MI when they say you're not supportive?

[geoff]

Hello Emotionallydrained, thanks for getting back to us and just because a thread hasn't been replied to for a few weeks doesn't make the problem just stop or go away and certainly doesn't mean that people aren't reading what's been said, so if you want, please continue.

You say he's apologised and he may have changed, but do you know for certain or is this only temporary, because the way he was previously may slowly creep back in, and as this is done slowly, you need to decide whether or not it's something you want.

If you feel negative then maybe it's something you don't want to accept.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Guest_1643]

Hi there, still reading and supporting you ...

[ecomama]

Hey Emotionally drained, I get you and where you're at.

I think you're holding unrealistically high standards for yourself and where your emotions "should be".

It's easier to forgive and not easy to forget, I don't think you should forget anyhow.

Once a perp has done what they've done, NO ONE would expect the victim to continue living with that person. No matter what "changes" appear to have happened.

It's very difficult to be in this situation with no one to talk to so I really encourage you to keep posting here and writing our your thoughts because people are reading and if you ask questions perhaps more people would respond (if you want that).

I was also in a similar situation for many years. It was horrible. I felt the situation was hopeless and that's very sad, so hugs.

I agree with "the grass isn't always greener" but I wasn't sure about what you meant by that?

If you meant you could be free of his abuse then yes in a way that could be true, eventually. Family Law being what it is means the abuse can continue for a long while as it did for me (and the kids) for years.

My strong advice for you is to upskill and have a long term plan for exiting.
Reading about the 180 strategy and putting as much into yourself as you can.

Sometimes I've encouraged women to just "jump into the abyss". They would see how they COULD fly and every one of them have so far.

Doesn't mean the separation time isn't dangerous. It is very dangerous, so any plan has to be taken out fast when you decide.

And just a mother to mother long hug too.... dear lady, no one is the mother they wish they were. No one.
Please be kind to yourself and keep your relentlessly high standards in check.

I think part of your sadness atm is because you weren't able to vent everything you felt from Hs abuse.
You haven't had the validation necessary to move on in any way.

Hopefully you can get that validation here.

Love EMxxxx