Help, I need to separate from my husband due to abuse but he has a MI...

[emotionallydrained]

I'm new here and very scared of posting on a forum.

My husband has been a long time sufferer of anxiety and it has impacted on our relationship and life for well over 10 years. I've always tried to support this as best I can to the point where I've missed family events, functions and just general day to day life events that most take for granted. It started as general depression and manifested in a phobic anxiety. The phobia is mainly illnesses and getting sick (cold and flu). This has made going out hard. I have tried to respect it and help but by helping all I've done is enable the issue. I've now made it ok to control me, tell me not to go out with friends during winter and tell me not to hug my son when he's sick so I don't get sick too. If I get sick, the whole house falls apart as it triggers his anxiety.

He's sought treatment a long time ago and doesn't like medications because he doesn't like his reactions to them. He feels he is coping and he can function in life. And he can. He can hold down a job (quite good at his job) and no one is ever any the wiser. He always touches stuff when we're out so I don't have to. I'm the chauffeur and shag on a rock most the time.

My family and friends have been telling me I'm being controlled and emotionally abused into thinking I have to give up these things to support him. When I bring it up I constantly get told I'm being selfish by asking to go to a function as I'm not considering how it affects his illness or what happens if I get sick.

Our child is now affected by this and can sense there is an issue. When your child asks for a cuddle and you can't give it until he is well again is a big problem and one I can't accept as ok anymore.

He has also become angry and violent over the last few years. Our arguments are heated and he can blow up in the space of minutes. I'm always the instigator apparently. I make him angry or I came home 15 minutes late from a party I was once allowed to go to for 1hr and he told me when he gives an inch I take a mile. I keep apologising and saying sorry to keep the family together. I'm at the point where I can't do it anymore - for me and my child.

My question is, what do I do? When he is not stressed or angry and living by the rules things are ok. But I'm just one anger episode away from another outburst. How do you leave someone who is suffering MI when they say you're not supportive?

[Guest_3256]

Hi there emotionallydrained.

I have read some of your posts and I can only imagine how you are feeling in regards to your situation. Really glad to hear that your Husband is improving. Keeping in mind that your health is important, you both are. There is an array of support available for people who are experiencing difficulties in their life and even relationship/ life coaches. Anyone can learn to be a better partner, understanding that no one are perfect and we all need to learn to love each other flaws.

I'd like to also share with you that I was once in a similar situation. Something that helped me is that abuse comes on many different levels and that sometimes we need to not change our partners, we need to develop ourselves to be better people. When we lose track of our own emotions and thoughts, we can build up resentment which deteriorates our relationships and causes unnecessary anxiety and stress.

The most important thing to know is that healthy relationships means accepting our partner for who they are and learning to grow together in sync. We must accept their flaws, even when we are not perfect.

Please focus on your own healthy and learn to make yourself happy - only you can do that. 🙂

[Fiatlux]

Hi,

people "playing the victim card"

My abuser has said that and more when I try to stand up to him or set boundaries.

My abuser must have a copy of the abusers gaslighting handbook too.

I don’t mean to sound flippant, but when I give the reason for not wanting to reconcile as I have been subjected to 30+ years of DV, my abuser somehow believes that I have recovered from DV and if he has not assaulted me for a little while, that he is a good husband, father and human, so, hey, I am ready to return to our awful marriage.

He doesn’t respect me and refuses to acknowledge the extent of his abuse. He lies to his Counsellor.

We have been separated and living apart for 2 years but he refuses to Divorce and will not accept that I am done.

I have to put myself and my own mental health first. And for the very first time in my life.

Somehow, stay strong.

[emotionallydrained]

Hi Jsua,

Thank you. Yes, I do try and accept them. I'm mostly an accepting and forgiving person and one that usually makes excuses for people to give the benefit of the doubt. I also did this for him a lot too. He doesn't see it that way though. I have been more critical the last few year and I think that is mostly because my mental health has deteriorated so much that it's caused me to feel resentment at the life that I feel I've missed.

I feel I've become a shell of who I was. I know I can seek help and speak to counsellors and psychs, but I fear I'll be wasting their time as all the self help things that get suggested I can't really do. Doing the things that I want to do and living the life I want to live pushes his anxiety and causes the issues that cause fights. We have to remain so protected to preserve his bubble that I can't really do a lot. Not that restrictions help with that anyway. Basically imagine living Covid for over 10 years - always being mindful of what you do and being told not to go somewhere because you could get sick. That's been life. So when all this started, it triggered even more resentment because now all his reasonings are being echoed by everyone else and I'm now being told no I can't do something by even more people.
I guess it all has to be put on hold anyway because none of us can really do anything about anything because we're all marred by restrictions. What's another 12 months.

[smallwolf]

Hi. This might not the best analogy but here goes...

Do you see your current life like an old pair of slippers. You know what they feel like and what to expect. There is certainty and you know how to cope of deal with it.

Taking that step and moving out is a leap into uncertainty. And that is the scary part. How will or would you cope?

Something that might be easy to say and perhaps logical appears to have many barriers. What the head says vs the heart can be two different things. At the same time you have shown great strength and courage in telling your story here.

And I cannot tell you what to do either. Except that at some point you have to put your own health first?

[815]

Hi ED,

I don't often check this particular forum so I'm sorry I haven't posted here sooner.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're not feeling so great about things. I don't really have anything useful to write. I am feeling a little tired and weary myself right now.

But I did want you to know that I am reading your posts and hoping for the best. You should know that your happiness is important. I do hope you find that again soon.

Take care.

[Juliet_84]

Hi emotionallydrained,

Welcome back to the forums although I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. That being said, it’s perhaps not unsurprising. When people reach the end of their tether with a relationship, or abuse etc, it can be difficult to come back from that. It’s a cumulative effect and when you finally say “enough” you really mean that in as far as “no more”. Any behaviors that you now see that remind you of past behaviors trigger you all over again and remind you of what is wrong with this person and this relationship. You’ve been hurt a lot and so your heart had almost become hardened to this person out of self-preservation. You don’t have a sex drive or desire intimacy with the person who has hurt you because if you let your guard down and trust him he may disappoint you all over again, as well as the fact that men like that find it difficult to be soft and caring with their partner. The problem is that people rarely change immediately, it takes time and there may be slip ups along the way. And some just find they can’t change, it is not an easy thing to do. I suppose you have to consider whether you can cope with that process or whether you’ve had enough and can’t come back from it. You don’t have to make any decisions now, but you can take your time and see whether it’s enough for you or some of your feelings return.

[emotionallydrained]

Hi Smallwolf,

Thank you for your comments. Yes, it is comfortable and I am familiar with it. There is an element of security and every time I have a chance to say "I'm done" I tense up and fear overcomes me. He is really trying and I know I need to try more... but I'm still so triggered by so many things like a PTSD. I didn't realise how much it affected me. But what's been happening the last 18 months hasn't helped and only affected my MH more. As I'm sure it has for everyone. I don't have the answers either.

[emotionallydrained]

Hi 815,

Thank you for checking in. I'm so grateful to you that you can find the time to check in on me when you have so much on your plate. I hope you are ok and things are improving. I know it is so hard and draining. I think it's a positive that you and your husband were able to address it and work on it so early into it and not let it manifest.

I am tired a lot of days. I do think a lot of it is me. I know I need to build a bridge and try harder to improve the relationship. In his own way he is doing that and trying to do that but I am not as open or receptive. It's all still a chore for me and being in a relationship shouldn't be a chore. Having sex is a chore. I say I don't want to do it, but he says I'm being mean and unfair and I should want to. Yes, I should want to, but I don't want to be told that. I think I'm just too scared to let my heart back in. I know I'm not "in love" with him anymore and I know my needs will never fully be met. I just have to decide what compromises I'm willing to make.

[emotionallydrained]

Hi Juliet,

Thank you so much for checking in - I appreciate your time and care. This is honestly the only place I can really talk about anything. Life has become so small that there isn't anyone I can talk to in real life.

You are 100% right in your comments. I am in self preservation mode and survival mode. There is no real reason to leave anymore because things are ok. Not great, but ok. It's actually me who is the one who's not happy. I know if I said I can't do it anymore that he'd be devastated. In his mind, the past is over and won't be repeated again so it's irrelevant now. For me, it's still PTSD. I keep wishing I'd said yes to the many times he'd threatened to leave or any of the times he'd been abusive to me. But I didn't and now I have no reason. If I say or do anything, it will be me who's the bad person and me who's instigated this for no reason at all. Me who didn't forgive or move on.

But realistically I know I can't support myself and my child alone. I just know I'm not the Mum I want to be or the Mum I need to be and I know I can't in this current environment. I just don't know what to do. I know if I did still love him 100% then it wouldn't be an issue but the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Realistically, there's no point making any decisions now with so much up in the air with the world. I know I can't get to see my family and friends any time soon and they won't be able to support me which will make it too hard for them. So best to robot through for now I guess and hope that my own health doesn't deteriorate too much more. I need this covid to end. I need to see my family.

[emotionallydrained]

So I guess that's it then. The threads a bit dead, so I'll sign off and let others have a go.

He's apologised, he's changed now. Yes, I'm left holding the emotional baggage and the bad guy if I leave and for not being happy. But it all is what it is isn't it. No one tells you what to do when it's all changed and you just have to forgive it all.

I'm the one with the negative attitude and making things tense, so I need to work on that. I just need to forget it all and move on because somehow I've now become the perpetrator and he's the victim of my baggage.

Thanks for those who took an interest. It was good to talk.