Help, I need to separate from my husband due to abuse but he has a MI...

[emotionallydrained]

I'm new here and very scared of posting on a forum.

My husband has been a long time sufferer of anxiety and it has impacted on our relationship and life for well over 10 years. I've always tried to support this as best I can to the point where I've missed family events, functions and just general day to day life events that most take for granted. It started as general depression and manifested in a phobic anxiety. The phobia is mainly illnesses and getting sick (cold and flu). This has made going out hard. I have tried to respect it and help but by helping all I've done is enable the issue. I've now made it ok to control me, tell me not to go out with friends during winter and tell me not to hug my son when he's sick so I don't get sick too. If I get sick, the whole house falls apart as it triggers his anxiety.

He's sought treatment a long time ago and doesn't like medications because he doesn't like his reactions to them. He feels he is coping and he can function in life. And he can. He can hold down a job (quite good at his job) and no one is ever any the wiser. He always touches stuff when we're out so I don't have to. I'm the chauffeur and shag on a rock most the time.

My family and friends have been telling me I'm being controlled and emotionally abused into thinking I have to give up these things to support him. When I bring it up I constantly get told I'm being selfish by asking to go to a function as I'm not considering how it affects his illness or what happens if I get sick.

Our child is now affected by this and can sense there is an issue. When your child asks for a cuddle and you can't give it until he is well again is a big problem and one I can't accept as ok anymore.

He has also become angry and violent over the last few years. Our arguments are heated and he can blow up in the space of minutes. I'm always the instigator apparently. I make him angry or I came home 15 minutes late from a party I was once allowed to go to for 1hr and he told me when he gives an inch I take a mile. I keep apologising and saying sorry to keep the family together. I'm at the point where I can't do it anymore - for me and my child.

My question is, what do I do? When he is not stressed or angry and living by the rules things are ok. But I'm just one anger episode away from another outburst. How do you leave someone who is suffering MI when they say you're not supportive?

[815]

Hi ED,

I'm glad you have come back here to provide an update. Although I am saddened by what has happened. However maybe in a way, these few incidents have been what you have needed to try and seek some support for yourself, and see things how they truly are.

Just on the relationship counselling, I'm sure I've mentioned this before so apologies for repeating myself. I honestly didn't think my husband would go either. I told him that we can't seem to fix things on our own, and that we both needed help to do that, and that's when I asked if he would see a relationship counsellor with me. He said yes so I booked us an appointment and told him the details. I left it up to him to decide whether our marriage was worth fixing.

I don't think I am in a position to provide any sort of advice to you right now. However please do know that I am here and thinking about you and hoping that you will get the right support from those on here, and those around you, to make the right choices for you to find happiness for yourself again. Whatever that outcome may be.

[Juliet_84]

Hi emotionallydrained,

I’m glad you took my perspective on things in the way that it was intended 😊 there’s always a worry about overstepping the mark or being misunderstood when it’s not delivered in person. I think that is what a lot of people don’t understand about domestic violence or controlling behavior (and also probably don’t understand why people stay), rarely is the person as “bad” as we have been led to believe. Instead they can be loving caring people at times, but often have very poor coping techniques and also some unhealthy underlying thought patterns.
Like you, I was always accused of “not being some shrinking wallflower” as I would always call my partner out when I was treated badly. But I’m glad I did as it’s important to hold people accountable for their poor treatment of you, letting people get away with it only allows that behavior to go on and get worse.
Part of the problem is that you are expected to meet all of your husbands needs, while he ignored yours. I hear you that getting him to therapy is near impossible. Perhaps you may have some luck if you explain that things won’t survive for much longer if you don’t? I find when people are forced to confront the alternative they may consider it? The other problem with therapy that I’ve found is that your partner may then try and manipulate the situation and become the “expert” at home. Perhaps do some research into counselors with specialist in domestic violence and have a call with them before you go. The other thing is that you may actually benefit from seeing someone individually if he refuses to go, and if you go without him the desire to control the situation and what is going on may actually lure him there?

[emotionallydrained]

Thank you both 815 and Juliet. I appreciate all your advice and support. I don't have much support close to me, in fact, none in the same state. I have my family and my best friend 2 states away - so it's just phone calls. When I do see my parents, it's all happy because I'm just so happy they're here. Only my best friend knows half of it - she is the one I speak to about all this and I haven't even divulged the full extent. She definitely knows enough to get the picture.

I guess I'm just struggling with the line between what is being respectful and respecting your partner's needs/wishes/feelings and what is worth defying that? I always try to respect people and am very accepting - I try and see the good in people and usually play devils advocate in defending someone's actions - unless they're just blatantly wrong! He thinks I defend everyone except him and I only argue with him. It might be true to some extent, but I thought about it and read something where it said I'm probably not so combative to family or friends because they haven't wronged me or spoken poorly to me. Rightly or wrongly, we react to perceived attacks.

[Guest_1643]

"he thinks i defend everyone but him"

Why is it a competetion? Between him and them?
U can defend ppl and that doesn't take away from defending him

I remember when I was in an abusive relationship I went backpacking alone and stayed in a friends place that was vacant while she was on break. I had to get let in by a neighbour.
I went up to the neigbours door and saw her as she was just coming home from work. She said we'd go into her place together and get the key - and her husband opened the door for us. He had a beautiful smile, a lot of tatoos and had one of their kids on both arms. "Hi beautiful" he said to her.

I thought it was such a beautiful image, her coming home from a hard day and having her man at home with the kids, warmly welcoming her. I told my boyfriend and he became crazy jealous that I was sexually attracted to the man and that it was inappropriate.

He'd say that also - i'm nice and warm to everyone but him.

I feel like - why is he trying to empty from your cup of kindness and take it all for himself.

Ur allowed to give your warmth and kindness to ppl other than ur partner. That is not unfair. That's humanity

[Guest_1643]

p.s. i wasn't interested in the man at all i was just struck by how beautiful they both seemed and nice to each other, and the idea of coming home to someone who had just taken care of ur kids all day seemed beautiful to me at the time. I still feel upset about myself as if I have done something wrong 😞 that was how he had made me feel. So I can understand to some extent.

[emotionallydrained]

That is such a beautiful image of the man with the kids greeting his wife after a hard day.

I can't believe he'd be jealous over that... I can see you were just observing what love can be like and what is wasn't for you.

I think I miss that too and know it's never going to be back in our relationship anytime soon, if ever... I can't even get a kiss because of his phobia. We have sex but it's no kissing because he can't - I feel like Pretty Woman just doing the act without the emotion. And he always instigates because I'm never in the mood these days and I usually say no... but give in because he needs it or he wants to be nice to me. Again, guilted into it. I do wish things were normal and once upon a time they were, but I can't see them going back and that's a problem too.

I feel so guilty saying all this. He's mostly a good man and does a lot for us, but he doesn't see how actions or inactions are hurting me and my mental health and when I bring it up I'm being difficult or making fun of his illness. That's where I come unstuck, where is the line between respecting the illness and being potentially selfish on my part?

[815]

Hi ED,

I just wanted to say this after reading your last post - you need to put yourself first sometimes too.

And it is similar to what Juliet was saying, you can defend other people, or you can comment or observe love between other people that might not be how your love is - and that shouldn't take away from being able to defend a partner, or how much you love your partner.

I've had a similar conversation with my husband lately when he was upset that I picked up my phone to reply to msgs. He was upset because he felt less important than whoever I was replying to. When I spoke to him about it, I told him that I understand that he was upset and angry and I didn't expect him not to be, because his feelings in the situation are valid. However I also wanted him to know that just because I picked up my phone, it does not mean he is any less of a priority or that I care any less. I think after sometime he understood this and was willing to move forward.

You can take time for yourself, and that doesn't mean that you care or love him or support him any less. And if he thinks that, then I'm not sure what else you can do. Because the truth of it is, you probably can't support him in the way he needs if you aren't happy for yourself. You need to be supported in this too.

[emotionallydrained]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to pop back in and say thank you to everyone who has supported me and been there to listen when I have needed it the most.

I have an update that is good news... in short... it all came to a head one night where I got the courage to say what I needed to say and had been feeling but hadn't been given the chance to say.

The night before I had made my mind up that I would get up the courage to leave - the next argument would be the last and I would say as much. I was calm and at peace with my decision for the first time ever. No anxiety. The the very next day something happened that was not what I was expecting. He came to me and admitted he'd made huge mistakes and that he was sorry and asked if I could forgive him.

I said all the things that had hurt me, I explained how my trust and faith had been broken and that I had been broken. I said that I had wanted to leave. He hugged me for the first time in months and apologised!

I have no idea what came over him or what happened. I had been praying for peace and an answer and thought the night before where I was at peace with my decision was it. Then the curve ball literally out of no where.

Things have been so different since that night, we are talking, he's relaxed and he's making a conscious effort to try.

There is still a long road, and a road of healing for me, but I still feel at peace and I've not cried since that night and we've not fought either. There's still a lot to work on, but it's looking better.

Thank you so much again everyone for your support! You're all wonderful people to freely give your time and come onto this forum because you care. I will be here reading other people's posts and helping where I can to pay it forward.

[815]

Hi ED,

I am SO pleased to read your update! It really made me smile to know that after all this time things are starting to change for the better.

Life can be a bit funny like that. You think you know where you're headed and then something else comes along.

I know it will take time for your heart to heal, but at least the healing has started and you are healing together with your husband.

I just want to thank you for all the support you have provided me throughout my journey too. It has been invaluable. I'm glad you'll still be in and around the forums as I will be too, like you, paying things forward.

Take care and I do hope to hear more updates from you from time to time also.

[emotionallydrained]

I think I'm the one with the problem.

Thigs were looking up and improving and we had a good chat. But 2 months later I'm finding myself feeling unhappy again. The happiness was short lived for me.

Nothing bad of note has happened. Not like had happened before. He's made a real conscious effort to change and control his anger.

But I guess from all the reading I've done, there are instances and traits that are still flagging for me. I can't even put my finger on them. At the time I know that they affect me, but when I come to reflect or think back, I can't even remember what I was angered about or it must have been in my mind.

I still feel lost. I still find myself wishing I was alone and not in this relationship anymore. I look at him and I sometimes think I don't want to be here anymore. I have forgiven for the past. I am not angry at that anymore, but I still can't forget. I don't want to punish him, but I am now the one with the anger issues. I am a full glass that spills every time someone knocks it.

He has his intimacy drive back, but I don't. I have no interest in being intimate. Maybe because that is still no kissing or anything I like before hand. It's either what he tells me I want/need or just straight into it. I'm back in the going through the motions and I can tell I'm not happy. I lack motivation and inspiration.

I used to be a really bubbly, happy person. I'm not that person anymore and I don't know if I can be while in this relationship because what I need to be that person he can't let me do.

I don't know if it's because I've been conditioned to hold back and question things for fear of getting in trouble or upsetting him. Or if I'm just making issues that aren't there.

I feel like I have PTSD or something. I'm triggered so easily and he can't understand why. He thinks it should all be ok now because he's changed.

I'm wondering if I don't want it to be fixed. I think I left in my heart a while ago and I'm not sure how or if I want it back and what that looks like. There are still compromises there with his anxiety issues and I feel like I've been living this for 10 years. I'm tired.

Covid hasn't helped and has triggered me even more. To me, I've been living covid restrictions for a decade and I am sick of being questioned and told what I should want to do, not what I do want to do.