Help, I need to separate from my husband due to abuse but he has a MI...

[emotionallydrained]

I'm new here and very scared of posting on a forum.

My husband has been a long time sufferer of anxiety and it has impacted on our relationship and life for well over 10 years. I've always tried to support this as best I can to the point where I've missed family events, functions and just general day to day life events that most take for granted. It started as general depression and manifested in a phobic anxiety. The phobia is mainly illnesses and getting sick (cold and flu). This has made going out hard. I have tried to respect it and help but by helping all I've done is enable the issue. I've now made it ok to control me, tell me not to go out with friends during winter and tell me not to hug my son when he's sick so I don't get sick too. If I get sick, the whole house falls apart as it triggers his anxiety.

He's sought treatment a long time ago and doesn't like medications because he doesn't like his reactions to them. He feels he is coping and he can function in life. And he can. He can hold down a job (quite good at his job) and no one is ever any the wiser. He always touches stuff when we're out so I don't have to. I'm the chauffeur and shag on a rock most the time.

My family and friends have been telling me I'm being controlled and emotionally abused into thinking I have to give up these things to support him. When I bring it up I constantly get told I'm being selfish by asking to go to a function as I'm not considering how it affects his illness or what happens if I get sick.

Our child is now affected by this and can sense there is an issue. When your child asks for a cuddle and you can't give it until he is well again is a big problem and one I can't accept as ok anymore.

He has also become angry and violent over the last few years. Our arguments are heated and he can blow up in the space of minutes. I'm always the instigator apparently. I make him angry or I came home 15 minutes late from a party I was once allowed to go to for 1hr and he told me when he gives an inch I take a mile. I keep apologising and saying sorry to keep the family together. I'm at the point where I can't do it anymore - for me and my child.

My question is, what do I do? When he is not stressed or angry and living by the rules things are ok. But I'm just one anger episode away from another outburst. How do you leave someone who is suffering MI when they say you're not supportive?

[emotionallydrained]

Hi Ggrand,

I'm so sorry to read you went through all that and over such a long period. I'm glad you're free now and I hope your son is ok too.

It is hard and the fear of the unknown and the fall out is a huge toll. I do feel guilty thinking this and he has no idea. We're working on projects in the yard (which have been the scene of many a verbal abuse) and I feel bad he's doing so much work and I'm thinking like this - like I'm being deceitful. So much is going around in my head. I know the advice I would give a friend, but being in the situation is so hard.

I hope life is much better for you now.

[emotionallydrained]

Hi Monkey_magic,

I was talking to a counsellor today for the first time and she explained the process of honeymoon stage, eggshell stage, triggered event, blame game to deflect the action, guilt then the cycle continues. It's pretty much that. The length of time can differ, sometimes 3 or more months and I think things are ok, then others can be 2 in one week. It's been going on for a few years - I just kept telling myself things will get better when...

So it is verbal and sometimes physical when he's really angry. Nothing visible. Usually because I've agitated the situation in some way (apparently). It's mainly triggered when his illness is questioned or threatened as his anxiety levels rise and then the anger comes in. If I don't do anything to agitate that then it's ok. But who can live in a germ bubble the rest of their lives. The corona situation has just justified his actions for keeping us "protected" because people have been told to avoid illness!

[monkey_magic]

Hi emotionallydrained,

It makes me so happy that you spoke to that councillor. I hope it made U feel validated and gave U strength.

You are the victim in this situation. It's not the other way around. Perpetrators of abuse love shifting blame. It's not your fault ok.

It sounds like instead of building you up he has made you feel small. I was in the same situation and had to leave to get "me" back.

I wouldn't want to live in a germ bubble either it's unhealthy. If you're exposed to "germs" your body builds antibodies that help fight off colds and flu's etc. There's nothing wrong with it. I think he needs to be educated.

Please don't feel guilty for wanting to do the right thing by you and your child. You have every right to live free of emotional and physical abuse.

We are here for you.

[Juliet_84]

Hi emotionally drained,

I’m so glad that you found this forum and have already had quite a few responses from people, which I hope has been enlightening. It can take a long time to come to the realization that a partner is abusive, but once you do, you wonder how you missed the signs all this time! But these people are master manipulators, always turning things back around on you to make you doubt your sanity. And because you are a good partner, you assume that it must have been something that you’ve done. So you take note and make sure that you don’t do it again so as not to set them off, but the goal posts keep shifting. Until you end up where you are, emotionally exhausted from trying to keep this person happy. But you will never be able to, because his problem doesn’t come from you (even though I genuinely believe abusers do think this), it comes from inside him. He has used his fear of illness to control you, and it has worked to a large extent.
How do you get him to see that he is abusive? Therapy can help. Having a third party label it may be eye opening. Although in my experience, abusers can just as easily become enraged at being called out, only to suppress it and take it out on you later. My partner was also physically abusive, never something as obvious as a closed fist but lots of injuries, sprained wrists etc where he bent my hands back etc. I just wanted to mention that as sometimes people don’t consider that as fitting the definition of domestic violence but it is.
It’s up to you what you choose to do with this information and where you want to go with it, but I hope you at least feel validated by this forum.

[emotionallydrained]

Hi Juliet,

Wow thank you. I'm sorry you have been a victim. The support has been amazing. I was so worried to come on here because then it's real and out there. Everything you have written makes perfect sense. And nothing obvious here either and no one knows. He's liked at work and for 90% of the time when he's calm and clear minded he's ok. He can see his issues are an issue, but can't get help for them. The other 10% of the time when the rational side gets warped is when it's not good and the anger can turn so quick.

He's got so much going on at work I don't want to say anything and inflame the situation when things are ok at this moment. How did you come to leave or what was the catalyst?

[Juliet_84]

That’s ok, I think a lot of us have been victims of other people in some way or another, and sometimes it’s only much later you realize that.

My partner wasn’t all bad either as people’s common perception of abusers usually is. They expect a monster, but he was loving, caring, attentive, particularly in front of other people. But there was another side to him, literally felt like another person, he would be irrational, angry, someone else i didn’t recognize, Jekyll and Hyde type stuff. In the good times, he would acknowledge his issues and promise to get help.
I had noticed that things had been slowly escalating, but my moment of realization came over something relatively trivial. I was sitting at home having a night to myself, reading quietly and watching a movie. He came home drunk and started up on me. During that argument he ended up spitting in my face. It’s weird, he’s done worse but that was the thing that hit me the hardest. It told me everything I needed to know about who he was as a person, how he saw me and the type of life I could expect, one where I didn’t have a voice. In reality, I was far more educated than him, had a great career and was well respected amongst the physicians I worked with, but I was living in a house where my opinion didn’t matter on anything, I had no say, or no freedom.
I didn’t leave that night, it took me a year to get the strength to leave, I started doing things for myself, reestablishing my friendships, working harder at my job. And then I just packed up and left one day after some minor blowup that I cant even recall and it felt as though someone had physically removed 100kg from my back.

[Guest_3256]

Hi emotionallydrained.

If you don't mind me asking, do you feel that your resenting your Husband because of his mental health difficulties?

[emotionallydrained]

Hi Juliet,

That does sound very similar. 90% of the time things are ok when he's rational and calm. As soon as something challenges his stress levels or something doesn't go right, he starts to get angry. It can be a slowish build up or just a sudden outburst and then 30 minutes later it's forgotten. Things have been ok this week since a blow up on the weekend and now I feel guilty and anxious about feeling this way. I don't want it to escalate and I don't want to affect his relationship with is son, but I can't keep living this way either. Whenever I try and talk about my feelings or incidents that have bothered me (like being told to drop my son to a school friends party and not stay for a reason I can't even remember and then pick him up again in a hours time) I get "you always look at the negative, look at the positive that he's going to a party and I'm making progress". Other incidents like that where I have to sacrifice because he's making progress letting him go out. Just writing this I feel guilty. It's such a roller coaster. 😞

[emotionallydrained]

Hi Jsua,

No, I don't resent him because of mental health issues. I resent the fact he can't get help and thinks he's making enough progress. I resent the fact he can get so angry at me, physically hurt me and then not even apologise or acknowledge he was in the wrong. Instead it is me apologising and accepting I antagonised or cause him to get angry. I resent that he can't see I'm unhappy even when I say I'm not happy or I'm feeling depressed. As soon as I try and say anything that challenges his feelings he turns it around to make me feel bad. Like I'm not supportive enough or I'm only looking at the negative and not the positive that he's making progress to go out places. Missing significant family events like a wedding or parents 60th birthday are not being negative, they are sacrifices.

[Juliet_84]

Hi emotionally drained,

Yes, that was the cycle that we used to have also. Huge argument followed by a week or two of loving behavior, where I actually even doubted if things were bad at all, and then another blow up. My partner used to say a similar thing to me, but any time I would bring up something that was bothering me he would say “if you don’t like it, leave” basically shutting it down right then and there and completely minimizing my feelings. Yet the slightest grievance that he had was expected to be given my undivided attention. The respect didn’t go both ways and I was left feeling very small, I felt as though I didn’t have a voice. I once read a book that had a profound impact on me, it’s called “why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men” and it basically explained everything to me. It’s actually a free e-book online and it’s well worth a read. Deep down somewhere they do know that they are doing, even if it doesn’t seem that way, but it can take a huge amount for them to ever admit it or address their actions and many never do. It’s well worth a read, even just to give you a bit of insight, knowledge is power