ghosted

[Happilyneverafter]

Hi there, this is going to be long so please bare with me. My husband and I both suffer from mental health issues. Mine being anxiety and serous abandonment issues. He suffered severe depression, has anger and alcohol problems too. An incident occurred a few months ago where he ended up in hospital for a week in a psych ward. Our whole relationship we have had communication problems, mostly on his side as he never opens up until everything hits the fan. He constantly gaslights me to the point where I end up in tears for weeks hating myself for the situations I am faced with. He promised to stop drinking, which he did for a while and then BAM, he started to ignore me completely and would spend the whole night at the pub, driving wherever drunk and turning his phone off. I snapped, I kicked him out and here where it gets horribly messy. I had been trying to contact him for weeks, we have children together. I lost hours at work and a huge chunk of pay because he completely ghosted me and I couldn’t work as I had no one to care for the kids. He wouldn’t answer the phone when his children would call, he wouldn’t reply to my messages, and we had no idea where he was and even if he was alive. Then I get an avo served on me, stating he is afraid of me. I have never been violent towards him, he on the other hand has. I was devastated. We have been together for 20 years and I have always been there for him through drug addiction, bouts of unemployment, the excessive drinking. When things get tough he always leaves us, hence the abandonment issues. He is angry at me for his actions and refuses to acknowledge he’s done anything wrong. I am so heartbroken. My beautiful children are angry, confused, blaming themselves for this situation and I can’t do anything about it. I have noticed he’s been going downhill for months and have desperately tried to get him to open up and talk it out, but nothing. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve been scared to walk into the garage for fear I see him harm himself. He has moved into his parents place who constantly blame me for their sons problems and his mother is so manipulative and enabling he can’t see he’s done anything wrong. They have for years denied he has mental health issues, I am the one who’s mentally unwell in their eyes. I cannot talk to them about my fears for my husband as they hate me. It’s been a month since I saw him and he’s still angry at me and has made no effort to contact his children.

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome to beyond blue. This is a safe and caring space and you will be supported by the users her while you are here.

I am thinking that things have not turned out the way you planned. At this minute there is not much I can say that would make you feel any better. Except that I am listening to you tell your story.

Sometimes when you write it all down somewhere, like here for example, the answers to your unwritten questions might reveal themselves. Whether you do that herer not...

Do you have anyone you can talk to also? Family? Friends?

And I guess I have a question for you... What do you want change?

With all of that said wondering if you might be able to send a letter to his parents about the effect this is having on you and the kids? Or have you tried this already?

Peace and blessings,

Tim

[Happilyneverafter]

Hi Tim, thanks for the reply. I have tried to contact his mother and was completely ignored, she wouldn’t respond to messages or answer my calls, and then I was told to not contact her as it’s too much stress on her. What??? Meanwhile I am beyond stressed, broken and physically drained. They do not care about the welfare of their own grandchildren. I have always felt a little resentment from her as I ‘took’ her son from her. He does everything for her at the drop of a hat and I am always second best. I have no relationship with the rest of his family as they all believe I am the problem. I have friends to talk to but I am hours away from family and I feel like him leaving me here is his way of isolating me. I love my husband and I want him to get help and I am devastated my family is broken, but how do you make someone realise they are hurting you and their children when they don’t believe they have done anything wrong? He is in the worst possible place and neither of his parents will be actively helping him with anything. I am not attending the avo hearing and he can have it, it’s a way for him to have control over me and the situation and I don’t have the strength to fight. I am over being second best to his family and him running away from his problems. His co-workers know more about my relationship than I do 😥.