Hi SisterKiKi
My heart goes out to you as you try to cope with the incredibly tough challenges you're facing.
Personally, I was a relatively heavy drinker during my years in depression. When I finally escaped those 15 years of mental hell, the drinking suddenly stopped. These days, I might only have a few drinks a year. To this day, my husband will still tell people what a 'great' drinker I was and how I could drink just about any guy under the table (like it's something to be proud of). I've asked him not to talk about my drinking history like this as it's something I'd been a little ashamed of. I say 'I'd been' because I have learned to be kinder to myself. SisterKiKi, the drinking is nothing to be ashamed of when we come to understand the real reason behind it. At the end of the day, it's simply a way of changing our mind (aka changing the way our brain is working). It works until it doesn't, when it starts getting out of control.
By the way, if I could, I'd scrap the concept of shame altogether yet leave guilt alone. As I say to my teenage son and daughter 'Guilt is not there to make us suffer, it's there to have us ask 'Who do I want to be from this moment onward?' I remind them that guilt is like a signpost and without it we would be far less conscious when it comes to choosing the paths in life which serve us best. Guilt asks that we STOP and reassess where we're headed. Shame serves no purpose at all, other than sufferance. To be graphic, shame is like a festering sore on the human psyche.
You mention you've tried so many things, in the way of addressing the drinking. Wondering if you've tried addressing the depression and anxiety instead of the drinking (tackling the issue from an entirely different angle). In comparing drinking to self-medicating, it becomes about addressing the cause of the dis-ease as opposed to addressing the medication. Mind, body and energy (aka spirit) dis-ease or unease are often tied in together. In treating only 1 or 2 aspects of the triad, imbalance still remains, unease still remains. Wondering if, in rehab, they only address mind and body. I'm not familiar with the process.
Anyhow SisterKiKi, please be kinder to your self as you try to navigate through the challenges of depression and anxiety. You have come a long way on your path to knowing your most authentic self, much further than what you may believe. I pray you find the guidance and enlightenment which create a clearer path ahead for you.
