Getting out of a toxic relationship

[Mooioio]

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 16 years. I love and think the world of him. However, I have reached my limit and have decided that enough is enough and it’s time to let go.

The last few years were hard. The worst is that I realised I have been emotionally abused and weren’t even aware of it. He always appeared to be very charming and kind, that he would go through length to make someone feel special and loved. But behind all the nice and considerate gestures are the constant criticism, contempt and stonewalling.

I used to feel I am responsible for everything because he guilted trip me on everything. To the point where I thought I were the most useless, self centred and good for nothing person. Everytime we had a fight, I used to run after him begging because I couldn’t imagine a life without him and that maybe I can’t survive on my own if he isn’t around.

One of my good friend introduced me to a therapist a couple of years ago. And she made me realised self worth and that everyone deserved to be treated with respect and love. He took me for granted and felt entitled for everything that I gave unconditionally. I supported his dream, ambition and career while putting myself second yet nothing is ever enough. A set back and next thing I know I am responsible for all things that went wrong with his life.

He resents me for making him settle down and start a family, ruining his life and opportunity. But the truth is in the last decade, i constantly supported him financially and emotionally and enabled all stepping stone opportunities for his career and life. I admired his talents and would happily continue to support his ambition if he weren’t taking everything for granted ..or at the very least appreciate the compromises and support that I gave him.

I feel much relieved now that I have decided to walk away. But time to time I would feel very upset and when I think about all the good things we had, I can’t help but feel shaken and shattered. I guess getting over a long term relationship isn’t easy considering we are still in the same house because of covid lock down.

Can anyone be kind enough to share how to move on gracefully and how long it would take to get over this ? And also how to avoid falling back to the trap ( I kept letting him to come back over and over hoping it would change and it will get better but I realised now it won’t )

[monkey_magic]

Your words mean a lot Ecomama. X

Saraz,
It's really good that you're getting some outside support with a wonderful therapist. Yep, there are some bad ones out there. I've walked out on a psychologist during a session because he was robotic, rude and just didn't care. He made me depressed.

Keep writing if it helps and you can always start your own thread where ppl can jump on board.

Leaving isn't easy like you said. If you need further support this place is always here 24/7.

[geoff]

Hello MM, EM, Sarah and everyone else, what we want is someone who we can have a discussion with, on a one on one basis, but they need to listen to what we have to say but if they 'come down on us like a ton of bricks', we close up.

This didn't actually happen with the last psychologist but he did it another way, he told me that I don't need any AD's, nor do I need any anti-epileptic medication or even a headache tablet, and any other problem can be controlled by what I do and what I eat, shock horror.

I upped and left after a couple of sessions, I never believed he could support me in any way possible, not along the way his thinking was all about, especially after I'd been seeing a previous psychologist for 20 years (paid for by workcover) who was terrific, unfortunately, she left.

The purpose of each session is a guide, it doesn't follow any textbook, as such, because everyone is different and react differently to each situation.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[ecomama]

Dear Mooioio and Saraz

How are you going lovelies?

Hi MM and geoff... I'm seeing my psych tomorrow but probably for the last time.
Geoff what was that psych ON? A power trip? No way should a psychologist be telling you whether you need ANY medications and for epilepsy too? That's crazy.

If YOU were asking whether you needed the meds or not, the most responsible thing the psych could do is redirect you to your GP... what on earth.

They come in all shapes and sizes.... I must talk about an amazing psych who contacted me last night after I emailed her. I was reaching out for my youngest D. She was so kind, so beautiful, so understanding.
EXACTLY how we expect a psychologist to be.

Mooioio and Saraz, if you don't click with a psych or they say damaging things to you (as opposed to enlightening things) leave. Those of us who've experienced abuse often STAY with abusive professionals thinking they know what they're doing. And they're doing the right thing for us.
NOT necessarily.

Follow your instincts.

Love EM

[geoff]

Hi EM, I don't know, but he was in the next room to my GP and when he asked how did I find the new psychologist, I told him exactly what the psych said and was horrified then wanted to know whether or not he could refer me to another psych.

I did ask the psych if he had seen someone have a Grand Mal seizure (which is what I have but medicated) he hadn't, nor has he had an operation, so the time with him was very short.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[ecomama]

Well Geoff I'm glad you didn't take medical advice from that psych! I get unstuck when I think about the people who DO take such crazy advice. I can't think about it for too long because I feel so depressed about it. The stories I've heard from just my circle of friends... Most of them received good advice and ongoing support for milder MH issues but then when the issues are complex, or involve different medications or the extreme issues - that's when the stories are pretty horrible.

I'm sorry you went through this Geoff. I'm glad you exited promptly and kept searching.

Thankyou for your support on the forums. You are a guiding light that pours kindness out in so many forms for us. I love that you're here.

EM

[geoff]

Hi EM, thank you so much for your lovely reply, I really do appreciate it.

If he had said any of this to someone who wasn't in a position to protect themselves or wasn't able to explain their situation, then I worry so much for them.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[emotionallydrained]

Hi Mooioio

How are you going after making the decision to separate? How did your partner take it?

I'm at the crossroads and reading both yours and Saraz posts I feel I'm in the same boat.

[emotionallydrained]

Hi Saraz,

I just wanted to say I feel the same as you. In a marriage I can't see the light in and constantly being the one causing issues, making him angry and the brunt of all the fights.

I have so many flash backs to all the bad things and wonder why I'm still here and how I can be so stupid. Then things are ok for a little while and then I think I'm being unreasonable and not supporting his mental illness. I feel selfish for thinking that I need a life too and that my life has to be his life. I'm so controlled that I can't even go for a coffee with a friend because it triggers his anxiety. So it's easier to not go. But he says I am free to do what I want... just as long as it's nothing silly that will trigger his anxiety - which is anything where you have a .001% chance of getting a cold or flu. But if I do anything like that I'm not respecting his issues and his illness.

I too have supported his careers, written job applications and resumes and been the glue holding everything together and I read a comment on this thread that hit home... they keep us around because they need us to validate them. I am only here because I don't want to break up a family and don't want to anger him because he won't take a break up well. It will be messy.

Sorry to spill my thoughts... I just read this and was so upset but also validated. I just don't know how to get out with the least damage to everyone and to not be the bad person who is walking out on someone with a MI.

How are you doing now?

[ecomama]

Hi emotionallydrained.... welcome... I think mooioio is not as active here as at first.

Please continue to post here.... it sounds like you're in a very tough situation!

Have you started your own thread for us to read more and for you to really open up?

Try to take care of yourself.
EM

[Lostinthisworld]

Hi everyone in this thread and those reading
Thanks for sharing your stories, my heart really broke for you all hearing the abuse from mental health support as well as ur partners.

I want to introduce myself so my question has context

I'm male, 35 and neurotypical

For those that don't know in simple terms I'm autistic.

I was diagnosed as an adult , and it was hard but also kinda like ... Oh well that makes sense moment

If U met me U wouldn't think I'm autistic, just an arsehole as I'm also an extravert

Small talk makes me uncomfortable, I don't really understand the social dance of interaction, the expectations of friendship or even have the ability to gauge ppls reactions and feelings.

I am a kind person but mostly when I try and be nice to ppl it comes off agressive or weird and ppl get angry at me for not caring about them

Naturally I don't have any friends


I recently also discovered that I'm very good looking, top 90 percentile, movie star handsome. Of course this is meaningless to me, just that my face is symmetrical, I'm not fat and have features that are in fashion this century really .

So giving U this background to set the scene for my relationshit (lol)

I am in a relationship with a Woman who is financially, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive and we have 2 kids

She has a dvo on me from the time I stopped her when she picked up a frying pan , yes what I did was wrong I panicked

The judge put in orders prohibiting me from contact with her or kids, 100m from the house ect

Unless she gives me written consent , which she gives and takes back depending on if I do what I'm told

Now days I have a shelf in the laundry where I keep my clothes

I do all the cleaning and cooking and washing , I care for our children and pay half the rent as well as most of the children's stuff.

If I don't have the kitchen cleaned when she wakes up I get yelled at, I can take the abuse but I worry for my children being exposed to it and when it gets too bad I sleep in my car
I'm expected to do everything it seems but when she talks about me to myself, her friends or family she describes an abusive man who makes her do everything around the house and runs off on her whenever it gets hard ,

I really need to save myself but I can't leave my kids, i.love them too much

Today child support called me as she has made a claim for full child support as well as making me pay for almost everything

Apparently I don't live at the house and so need to pay her for looking after the kids

When I spoke to her about it I got the usual abuse and told I'm unreliable so she had to ect ect


I really don't know what to do, I hope that some of U wonderful ppl here may have more experience and offer some suggestions for me too?

I'm so financially broken and in debt from all this I don't even have a phone that works or any ability to get a place that would be suitable for my children on my income


3 weeks ago I was walking out the door to start a new job and she fired up about how she needs support and blah blah blah

I don't show up for work
I have no job


sorry if I'm thread jacking I couldn't find a space that felt safe to share my story


My main questions are

How do I get out?
What about the kids?