Getting out of a toxic relationship

[Mooioio]

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 16 years. I love and think the world of him. However, I have reached my limit and have decided that enough is enough and it’s time to let go.

The last few years were hard. The worst is that I realised I have been emotionally abused and weren’t even aware of it. He always appeared to be very charming and kind, that he would go through length to make someone feel special and loved. But behind all the nice and considerate gestures are the constant criticism, contempt and stonewalling.

I used to feel I am responsible for everything because he guilted trip me on everything. To the point where I thought I were the most useless, self centred and good for nothing person. Everytime we had a fight, I used to run after him begging because I couldn’t imagine a life without him and that maybe I can’t survive on my own if he isn’t around.

One of my good friend introduced me to a therapist a couple of years ago. And she made me realised self worth and that everyone deserved to be treated with respect and love. He took me for granted and felt entitled for everything that I gave unconditionally. I supported his dream, ambition and career while putting myself second yet nothing is ever enough. A set back and next thing I know I am responsible for all things that went wrong with his life.

He resents me for making him settle down and start a family, ruining his life and opportunity. But the truth is in the last decade, i constantly supported him financially and emotionally and enabled all stepping stone opportunities for his career and life. I admired his talents and would happily continue to support his ambition if he weren’t taking everything for granted ..or at the very least appreciate the compromises and support that I gave him.

I feel much relieved now that I have decided to walk away. But time to time I would feel very upset and when I think about all the good things we had, I can’t help but feel shaken and shattered. I guess getting over a long term relationship isn’t easy considering we are still in the same house because of covid lock down.

Can anyone be kind enough to share how to move on gracefully and how long it would take to get over this ? And also how to avoid falling back to the trap ( I kept letting him to come back over and over hoping it would change and it will get better but I realised now it won’t )

[Sophie_M]

Hi Lostinthisworld,

We are so sorry to hear about what is happening with your partner. We can hear that this is a really difficult time for you. Please know that there is support available to you in this tough time.

We would strongly urge that you contact MensLine. MensLine Australia is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/

If ever you feel unsafe, please contact triple zero and ask for the police.

You might want to get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.

You might also find some ideas in reading the stories of others. Some threads you might be interested in reading include:

• "Moving on after leaving emotionally abusive relationship" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/moving-on-after-leaving-emotiona...
• "Trying to end an abusive relationship" - https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/seeking-support/helping-yourself-and-others/online-forums/...

We hope that you can find some advice and comfort in the forums. 

[emotionallydrained]

Hi Em,

Yes, I do have a thread. I started on called Help, I need to leave my husband but he has an MI... in the family forum.

Things are tough and I constantly doubt myself and have second, third, tenth thoughts about everything. He's a decent man and not a prick, but his fears always trump anything that is reasonable and he can snap when he's anxious or stressed at seemingly the smallest thing. Usually something I trigger out of my own frustration. Missing milestone family events (think wedding and significant birthday) was the catalyst that finally broke me. There was no remorse because he doesn't like to feel bad. So he dismisses it so there is no responsibility. Any partner would say "go to the function and have a great time" even if they couldn't go themselves. It was in another state so there was travel involved which pushed it over the edge. It's too risky for him but I'm so heartbroken over it I still can't 100% forgive it.

I honestly can't think straight. I can't focus or concentrate on work because my brain is constantly in a battle. I used to cry a lot on my own but now I just feel a mix of anxiousness and numbness most the time if that makes any sense. I've shut down a bit to protect my emotions. He wonders why I don't talk as much or give input, because I honestly don't have the brain power to talk about his work issues, staffing issues or who is sick this week. I'm drained.

[ecomama]

Oh dear sweetheart.... I'll try to find your thread.

Hugs.
EM

[Lilaa]

Hi all, particularly Mooioio and Saraz as this relates to them more.

I could not believe when I was reading your posts, your were literally describing my relationship for the most part, unsure about the rest as I do not have all the details to compare. The below from Saraz post is my thinking every time.

"Am I overthinking things? Could I have got all this wrong? Is he actually a really good person and I just have high expectations? Am I just being unfair? No one will believe me even if I tried to tell them, because he is so popular and charming to everyone? And there is no outward damage to show. And now, he is working on building his relationship with the kids, so they may not believe me either? "

I have not decided to call the relationship toxic just yet, I am still struggling to understand if I could have done anything different to changed my expectations and all would be fine. I am still thinking to myself "Friends' husbands do no look as charming as mine and yet wives are happier than me, are the husbands doing something better in their relationships or the wives are more understanding?" Noone knows what goes on inside one's relationship, so this makes me wonder about all the good and bad and this causes a lot of self-doubt in me about how well I am functioning in the relationship.

He is treating me like he is doing me a favour every day just by doing anything he does, his job, house work, going out with me to friends and etc. Is this an abuse?