Friends- caring or not?

[pm251099]

Hi all,

I’m really not sure if I’m over reacting about this situation but I suppose that’s why I’m looking for perspective on this matter.

i have two best friends who I have been close to for about 5 years now. They are the only two people in my friend circle who know about a certain situation that has affected me regarding my family. I told them both in confidentiality and they know that they are the only people that know.

However, ever since telling them about the situation I have noticed that they have never followed up on it. They haven’t asked how I am feeling, or where/how the situation has progressed.

I have never been someone to openly GO to people shot my problems- I prefer to be prompted to talk about it because I feel like I am a burden talking about an issue if I am not asked about it.

Should these friends be considered as caring friends if they haven’t had the common courtesy to ask how it’s going, or should I just put it aside?

[geoff]

Hello Pm, and a warm welcome to the site.

I'm sorry for what has happened, but I know from myself that as soon as you tell something that is important for you but is a concern to a 'close' friend, then they suddenly take a backward step, simply because they aren't sure of what to say to you, don't have an answer, or don't want to be involved which is all very disappointing.

Don't put this matter aside, go and speak to your doctor then they can decide what can help you by way of medication and/or counselling which can be done with the 'mental health plan', this entitles you to 10 Medicare paid sessions with a psychologist per year.

Contact your friends and ask them if they want to do something you all like to do, if they say yes then that's good, but if they say they can't, then you know where you stand.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Alexlisa]

Hello pm.

Welcome to the forums. This is a welcome space where it’s always ok to come and ask for other perspectives. I’m glad you’re here.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this with your friends. Do you think it could be either that they don’t know what to say, or that they’re not sure if you would want to talk about it? Sometimes with delicate matters, which it sounds like yours is, people will tiptoe around the issue, unsure what to do and not wanting to make it worse. They may be concerned that if they were to bring it up that it will distress you, when maybe you seem to be doing ok to them. I know that I’ve experienced this kind of situation from both sides.

It sounds like they are very important in your life, so I don’t think you should just put it aside. The situation has created doubt in your mind about the integrity of the friendships which you might not be able to let go of, so I think it’s best you address it in some way with them. But it doesn’t need to be confrontational in any way. Sometimes it’s best to give people the benefit of the doubt - they’re your friends and I assume would never want to purposely hurt you, so this situation is likely the same and there’s another explanation to their behaviour.

You mentioned that you’d rather be asked how you are than bring it up yourself, but sometimes it’s necessary in order to get what you need/want. I know sometimes this can be very hard, but there’s no reason to feel ashamed for reaching out or asking for help. Especially being your friends, they’ll probably be glad that you’ve reached out when you needed to, rather than them not seeing you need it and feeling guilty later on. Unfortunately we can’t read each other’s minds and some people are very good at masking how they’re feeling so it’s hard for others to identify when they might want to talk/need support. I know this is the case with me. I’ve accepted that part of my responsibility to myself is that I need to be the one to say that I need help/to talk because otherwise I may be left feeling alone and not getting what I need.

Will you consider asking if it’s ok to talk with them, just so you can have a check-in about what’s been going on for you with your family? It’s totally ok to ask for that and may make you feel more empowered in the situation, rather than waiting for others. I know it can be hard, but often doing something tough is worth it if it helps you to get what you need.

Take care

Alexlisa