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My partner is STILL married!

Community Member

I have been in a relationship with the love of my life for 3yrs now! We have known each other since we were children & have both seen each others previous relationships break down before finally finding each other.

I am not sure if I am overreacting or not but there seems to be no rush for my partner to sort his divorce out. He has sent the paperwork to his ex previously but she always seems to misplace it & now has straight out refused to sign it. They have 4 kids together & I feel she is still holding on. My partner has now pushed this to the back of his agenda & I do not know how to feel about the situation let alone how to approach it!

9 Replies 9

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Jasmine,

You sound as though you’re feeling perhaps very conflicted about the situation, & understandably so if that’s the case. You and your partner have clearly been through a lot, and have witnessed one another’s ups and downs. I feel it’s very special that you’ve found each other after all those years.

In my opinion, I don’t think you are “overreacting.” I think it’s understandable for you, as his new partner, to want him to sort out things with his ex.

I feel the delayed divorce is clearly upsetting you, so I wonder how you would feel about sitting down with him one day and having a calm discussion about it. Maybe you would like to explain how the delay makes you feel, and try to gently ask why he isn’t pushing for the divorce signatures e.g. he might be scared of “hurting” his ex, avoidance behaviour, dislikes confrontation (I’m not saying it’s necessarily those things but they are examples). I suppose what I’m getting at is trying to communicate/understand one another a little better, so you can perhaps figure out how to move forward as a couple 🙂

Kind thoughts to you.


Thank you Pepper for your kind words & advice. Really appreciate it.

I have been through a 15yr abusive relationship before I found my current amazing partner. I still carry a lot of baggage & tend to tell myself I don't need nothing or no-one as a coping mechanism.

I know I need to sit down & discuss this with him calmly but I think I go into protection mode & tell myself I don't care so the convo never happens!

He has promised me marriage before & even though I wasn't one to dream of a wedding day, I looked forward to it happening maybe one day. Now he has mentioned he won't ever marry again due to his bad experience with his ex. But he then tells me I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him & I'm his soul mate. Not sure how that works?

Am I wrong to think 3yrs is plenty of time to know what you want out of a relationship? I feel as though I'm wasting my time with someone who doesn't want to fully commit to me. No divorce & a big fat NO to future marriage also! Am I reading between the lines or not? 😢

Hi, welcome

In my virw whether or not you both rnd up arrying is not as important as him severing toes with his ex.

He has permanent ties in 4 children and thats fine but to remain married would cause most people insecurity.

Like Peppers advice a sit down meeting. I wouldnt mention you both getting married though. Just him getting a divorce.


Community Member

I have read a few pages of this relationship section of thread over some days sitting with my own string of failed relationships and something that struck me was the repetition, I began to wonder if a lot of the posts were written by the same person, there was so much repetition, where people say they want to leave, and they don't. Is it money, is it having your cake and eating it too, is it laziness or fear of being alone, its hard to say. Something that I have learnt in life is that some people find it impossible to leave a relationship unless they have someone else to go to, they have to have the upper hand and come out on top. Is your partners wife like this, does she have to come out on top and have it over him. Maybe she hasn't met a man that will stay with her and because she doesn't have someone else she just settles for what is until the man of her dreams comes along and then she dumps her husband when a better or equal offer comes along.

Does he run away from her when there is no chance of someone replacing him, only to run back when there is a chance of someone replacing him because then she is rejecting him, he could have an issues with it. And lastly if their sex life was non existent do you worry that you were just fulfilling this hole and in the end he wants a relationship with her that includes sex and if he got it he'd be content. I ask this because between me and my girlfriends we've been so rorted when it comes to filling holes and being spun talk of futures.

Its clear he is hesitant to commit to you, you wouldn't be human if you didn't ask why, and lets face it he has it great both ways, you've made it easy for him. I hope you don't mind me saying that and sorry if its too forward.


Hi B

Re: "Its clear he is hesitant to commit to you, you wouldn't be human if you didn't ask why, and lets face it he has it great both ways, you've made it easy for him. I hope you don't mind me saying that and sorry if its too forward."

Good relevant comment.


Community Member

I'm sorry hon... if he's still married, he's not your man.

I know you love him. And this might sux.

But if he's not all in.

Honey, wait for someone who adores you and can't be without you. You deserve to be loved not "on the hook".

I have been there... so happy now with the actual love of my life.

Community Member

Hi jasmine

that is one of the many issues in my relationship also. So I relate

Community Member
Jazz32...how do you deal with it?

Hi Jasmine

While we wait for Jazz's reply...

There is little you can do to ease the pain and trauma of doing what you have to do. You have commitment, love and care in your heart for this man that is not fulfilling your dream goals in a relationship. As hard as it is to acknowledge at this time, there is better men around that will fulfill them.

An ultimatum might sound harsh and you wouldn't go to use one if you weren't prepared to suffer the consequences of the possibility of rejection, but remaining unhappy is not an option.

In the early 1980's I live with a woman and her toddler son. For 5 years I toiled with limited pressure on her to divorce her husband. Her excuses were- 1/ her vows, she took them seriously (a contradiction obviously as she lived with me) and 2/ that she was scared of hurting him (but she had anyway by leaving)

After 5 years I gave her an ultimatum "divorce him within 12 months or I have to move on".

The anniversary of that 12 months came, I asked her seriously what she was going to do (bare in mind were we very happy and in love up to then apart form that obstacle). Her answer was the same. The same cloudy answers and non commitment. I packed my suitcase and left, her all the time believing I was going to return. I never did.

Some time later, could have been two years or so, I bumped into her at some shops. She was living with a guy. I asked her if he wanted her to divorce her still husband and she answered "yes". I then suggested she had no intention of doing so "it's hard because- I have my vows and I don't want to hurt the father of my child". I knew right then I'd done what was right. My heart still ached. I still loved her.

I wen ton to marry a woman and have two daughters, it lasted 11 years. Her narcissism was too much to bare. I then lived with another woman that was, unfortunately the step mum from hell. Then I married a lady I'd known for 25 years a the time 8 years ago. I'd matchmade her with my brother in law and they got married but it didn't last. We are happy, we are compatible and we are committed.

Regardless of the pain and trauma of your situation, doing the right thing by yourself is paramount. There is no alternative but dissatisfaction. It has to be resolved.

If you need extra care at this time there is a 24/7 phone number for BB 1300 22 4636.

Take care and by all means continue here on the forum if you need to. Keep chatting.