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Found out wife has std

Community Member

hi folks, 

bit of background I’ve been with my wife for 16 years married for 15 . We have two kids now teenagers. 
my wife is in mid 40s been having a few issues- we thought her body was going into menopause. She went and got checked out by the doc and she has a STD . Is being tested for other things as well. 
it has been doing my head in though how she can get a std after all these years . I have been loyal to her never been in a relationship outside of marriage etc. we actually work together too.

she seems to think she has had it all along before she met me . Though I have not asked the dreaded question if she has been unfaithful- 

should I refrain from asking and take her word on this or ask her and cause conflict. 
I actually don’t know what to do . 

5 Replies 5

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi bayside14,

I think you need to find out what STD your wife has as that will affect things. Is she amenable to you going to the doctors appointment with her so that you can also find out what this means for you and whether you need to be tested and then you can ask the dr during that visit whether it’s possible to have had undetected for all these years? If she has herpes simplex then it is a possibility that she has had it for a long time and been unaware of it as it hides in the nerves and evades detection that way. But some of the other STDs are usually more overt in their symptom presentation and it becomes more unlikely that she’s had it for over 16 years. I think that it’s fairly reasonable to ask your wife but she may get annoyed and may also deny it, although you could frame it as “given the circumstances, the question has to be asked, have you cheated on me during our relationship” and you could further apply pressure by stating that “you would appreciate honesty before you hear anything bad from a doctor”

Hi bayside14 sorry to hear about this tricky situation ur in. Can I suggest maybe if you can find out what type of STD it is and do alittle bit of online research for yourself first to maybe find out if it's something that can lay dormant and rear it's head later in life? Have u been tested to see if you carry this STD virus also? Maybe you could ask her if she has had this STD in the past before u got together and research if it stays in ur system for years later once someone has had it. I probably think it's a bad idea to come right out and ask her if she has been unfaithful to you this won't help the situation and do you think honestly she would turn around and say well yeah I have been? Highly unlikely I would think. Can you back track and checks dates from when she started getting symptoms and see if there happened to be any nights out or girls wkends away marked on the calendar? I guess if she is open and allowing you to go to the DR with her and your general relationship is all good it could be just a freak thing that has happened. Maybe ask her if she minds if you question the Dr how this is possible now and watch her reactions closely. I hope this helps and I hope u get peace of mind. 


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

FYI: 'STD' can also stand for Sexually Transmissible disease; in other words, she may have developed some sort of infection that COULD be transmitted to you.

My suggestion would be to ask questions about exactly what her condition is, before jumping to any conclusions.

Yes, the worst case scenario is that maybe there has been some extra-marital activity ..... but there is also the possibility that it is something like the herpes virus which can lay dormant for a very long time and then suddenly one day something else happens that may trigger the symptoms.

I had a partner (now ex) 26 years ago who had genital herpes and he didn't bother to tell me until we had been sexually involved for about 8 months. I have never had any symptoms of having it myself ..... yet. But I would not be surprised if I suddenly started having symptoms of something and then the doctor said 'oh by the way, you have the herpes virus.' Mind you, I have been tested several times and so far they have all come up negative for herpes. I also, however, have had cervical cancer which, according to some studies, has been linked to the herpes virus type 2. So, yeah ..... that's my experience. And I didn't get that cancer until some ten years after my contact with the infected partner I had.

Anyway, like I said, try and get more facts before all the fears take hold.

Community Member

Just following on from this - yes i have been tested i am clear. i have read up on the std - its a tricky thing some research states that it can be dormant for years yet it can be a sign of cheating too. at the moment i am kinda just playing it by ear, asking questions around the subject from time to time to see a response and reaction. she has been out for girls nights in the past

Hi Bayside14,

I’m not sure whether a girls night is indicative as I think most women go out on girls nights all the time. My question to you is, removing this event for a moment, do you trust your wife? Have you ever had reason to be suspicious? Do you have an otherwise good relationship? Do you consider your wife to be an overall honest person or has she given you reason to doubt this in the past?