Found my husband had been chatting to other women online

[LCody]

My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for 8 months. Our relationship has been one of mutual love, respect, trust and support. We are truly each others best friend.

However, last night I went to use his laptop and found an open page of a dating app. He had his own profile and was chatting (flirting) with multiple women. When I confronted him, he said it had been going on for 2 months and felt genuine remorse. He explained it was because he was going through a lot (grandfather passing away and the business not doing well). He told me it was just flirting and never any sexual conversations and that he has never physically cheated. We were crying and talking all night and he has apologized many times and asked for my forgiveness.

The weird thing is he had also done the exact same thing with his ex wife (chatting to other women) that he confessed to me when we started dating and explained that they were unhappy and not meant to be together. I just cant seem to understand why he would do the same thing to me.

I cant to decide whether to stay or leave. I'm in total shock and I truly feel like an idiot for not seeing any of the signs for the past 2 months.

[jennyband]

Hi LCody,

Thanks for sharing your story, it sounds like you are going through a confusing time right now.

Infidelity can also be emotional and despite your partners claims that nothing has happened the trust has been damaged and your faith in him challenged (if not gone). there is a saying about trust it takes a long time to build and a moment to break.

I would seriously consider taking some time for yourself, having been in situations not disimilar it will do you both some good to have the space you need to take perspective.

also, he SHOULD be sorry. if you think working towards trusting him again can work it truely has to come from him otherwise your self worth will be forever damaged.

[quirkywords]

Lcody and waves to jennyband,

Welcome you both to the forum. this is a friendly, supportive and caring place.

lcody I can see you have had a big shock and are now questioning your relationship.

It will feel quite raw now and you will be confused, disappointed and wondering why this has happened to you.

The fact he has done this before to his ex wife would add to your bewilderment.

How did you feel when your husband said that he had not had sexual conversations or physically cheated, Did you find that reassuring or more confusing.

would the both of you consider having relationship counselling? If your husband feels this was just flirting and you feel your trust has been broken , it may help to have someone to talk to together about your relationship.

These are just my thoughts and you may disagree.

what do you think you would need from your husband to trust him again?

You are not an idiot and maybe there were no signs . When people are stressed they do sometimes do strange things. You need to take time to work out what you want to do next.

Feel free to post on here as much as you like.

Quirky

[Juliet_84]

Hi LCody,

That must have been quite a shock, to have all that faith and trust ruined in a second. Please don’t be hard on yourself for not noticing any signs, you sound like a trusting, giving person and likely don’t run your relationship in a hypervigilant state, and that’s not a bad thing.

The fact your husband hasn’t physicially cheated is some consolation but the fact is that he is putting himself in harms way of meeting someone he connects with and potentially could. It’s interesting that this also occurred in his previous relationship, which seems to suggest this is a type of coping strategy. He may be using this as a ‘boost’ to his ego/confidence, but it’s a risk. I agree with the others that counseling is definitely something you should consider.

[geoff]

Hello LCody, welcome to the site and I'm sorry that he has broken your trust, no different than he has done before.

You will know in a couple of months time whether his 'genuine remorse' is sincere but if he has done this in his last marriage and now in your marriage, I would do as Jennyband has suggested, take some time off by yourself then you will know.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Brumbykit]

Yes So have I , I said to him I can not be the wife he needs, he said he would anything to save this marriage, hahaha then within 2 day, lookout 2 chats, caught him out said he would never do it again, then 11 th sept caught again and lied to my face, until I proved it. And thinks it is not cheating?