Former Ice addict 26 yr old son moved back home . It’s really bad.

[JuzzyWuzzyWoo]

Hi. Our son has lost everything ( he was very successful and saved a lot of money). Met his partner and she was 18 yrs older than him. She knew he had a solid bank account and in 6 months they spent his $100k on substances , gambling and alcohol. 

Once the money  ran out she got rid of him. He became an addict. Nasty, mean and a monster. He was taken to MHealth for 2 months and now he’s moved back to our home as he’s nowhere else to go.

Im being mentally abused every day. It hurts. He lives rough. Sleeps, eats and smokes cigs. He picks fights, and says the cruelest things. I want him to move out but his father( my husband) says no he’s our son. I can’t cope with it. I’ve put up and it’s making me walk on eggshells and I cry every day( I’m not a sook) but to be constantly sworn at... I just can’t take it. I’ve asked him to move out and he says No. I’ve been nice, I’ve been firm, even been mean but nothing works.  He thinks it’s his right to be here. He told me to pack my bags and take a holiday! He ideally wants him and his father living in our home and me gone. I’ve had police here as he threatened to physically assault us both. I’ve installed cctv but I need him gone. He’s such a horrible person now but when he was younger he was the nicest, kindest and sensible boy ever. I’m just broken but my husband is living in hope our son will switch back to the guy he used to be ( not going to happen). How do I get my hubby to see our son needs to leave our home? It’s so hard and hurtful to endure this  verbal abuse every single day.

[Bob_22]

Hi JuzzyWuzzyWoo,

First of all welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry to hear about what you're going through right now and am so glad that you've taken action to come here for some support. 

I'm not a parent and can't imagine what it must be like for yourself as a mother to be experiencing what you've described. I used to work at a youth mental health service and have seen the devastation that drug and alcohol abuse can have on young people as well as their carers. And as a beloved son myself you have my deepest sympathies.

Unfortunately I do not have much knowledge or background when it comes to supporting someone with drug and alcohol use issues but am aware that the people over at Carers Australia have some information regarding this. I have found a page on their NSW website which has info as well as an eLearning module for carers who might be in a similar situation to yourr. I have had a look at some of the resources but not done the learning module. Page can be found here: https://www.carersnsw.org.au/about-caring/who-are-carers/caring-for-someone-using-alcohol-or-another... 

Regarding counselling and in-person/online peer support services, a great point of call would be the australian carer gateway which is linked to by carers australia and is a government service found here: https://www.carergateway.gov.au/ 

I really hope you can find some useful support/information whether it's here or at one of the above resources. Please update us on how you're going and remember to take care of yourself. 

All the very best,

Bob

[tranzcrybe]

Your son may have been dutifully following a model in life which didn't align to his own inclinations - yes, success and financial gain are worthy of praise, but this can come at a greater personal cost which sadly manifested itself in some reckless and self destructive behaviour.
I agree, this is not someone you would particularly want around when your safety and quiet enjoyment are compromised; however, he is at his lowest point and you and your husband sound like his only lifeline. I know that caring for someone who is ill or recovering from a serious injury demands considerable effort and sacrifice, and often one must bite their tongue not to retaliate when the beneficiary lashes out verbally or physically out of frustration and anger at their predicament. Is this not similarly the condition of your son presently?
He will need your support to secure the necessary treatment and then again to keep him on that path to recovery and it is highly unlikely that any of that will amount to a hill of beans until he emerges the other side. It's a tough journey for all of you but it's not about your son that was; rather, returning him to a functioning human being so he can begin to rebuild his life.
It may not be worth it, and you are likely not to receive the gratitude you deserve, but consider for a moment if the tables were turned - we all need someone to be there for us when the chips are down.

[ecomama]

Dear JuzzyWuzzyWoo

You appear to be living in an untenable situation. A situation that neither your son nor your husband will budge on. 

That means you'll have to. 
I kindly suggest that you seek Counselling from a Drug and Alcohol specialised person or MH support from a Psychologist. You don't seem to be getting any positive support from your son or H, so this is what will help you in your immediate moments and for the longer term. 

Your son is 26yo. An adult. He made his own decisions to start using substances and continued to do so. I would leave the gf / ex-gf out of the equation. It was his option and was / is his responsibility. He wasn't a child forced by an adult. He's an adult. 

I would stop enabling him. Like yesterday! 

I was shocked to read you were applying for jobs FOR him?! 
That he feels entitled to knock back and YOU got it for him?! 
Woah. That's too much. 
HIS RESPONSIBILITY. 

There's far more he needs to experience before HE steps up and takes responsibility for himself, including his decisions AND his substance addiction. Until he's able to own up to these, I don't see that any help you offer him will do any good whatsoever. It'll just keep him in an extremely dependent zone. 

Your boundaries need building UP. 

I'm so tough as a parent. From a very young age my kids knew 100% that if they made stupid decisions, they could come to me, but THEY will have to face the music and indeed the consequences of their decisions. 

Best wishes
EM

[Petal22]

Hi JuzzyWuzzyWoo,

I really do feel for you and I really understand what you are saying in regards to your son and his behavior and you do look at him and think to yourself who is this person?

It's just so sad to watch one of your loved ones go down this path because the real person you know ( your son) is still there but he's hidden under all of the drug use, his addiction is controlling him.

I understand that we can feel so helpless to watch this person just take, take, take I know it's so hard but I believe that they are being controlled by what ever they are using and really have no concept of what they are doing at times.

Like Kyle said he had one smoke of Crystal Meth and then when he blew it out he also blew out all of his morals and values along with it.

Drugs and what they do to people is just horrible and it doesn't just effect them it also effects those closest to them.

Right now yourself and your husband need to support each other, even though your son is an addict he is going to do what he is going to do but yourself and your husband need to hold each other together.

Hope fully one day your son will become sober and try to live a life trying to rebuild all of his relationships in a positive way.... and when this day does come we need to try to forgive the past and allow him to move forward into his future.

Im not sure when this day will be but one day it will come.

Please start looking after you and do the things you want to do.

[JuzzyWuzzyWoo]

Thankyou for your reply Em.

I agree on what you say, but Ive gotta get him out of my house. Hence why I was looking at jobs for him.  He sleeps most of the day, but when he is up he is a nightmare.  I was even considering selling my home so he would have to leave.  My husband wont do a thing, and says its our son.  My god he's 26 near 27.  This was supposed to be the time my hubby and I had planned retirement etc and enjoying our simple life together.  So when you say about your kids having to face the music ( i agree) please tell me what you would do in this situation. I really need to know as Im not getting anywhere  and my husband in an enabler. ( he is the kindest most generous man, but his kindness is making our son worse.  Ideally I want my son gone from my home as he should be making his own way.  But if he is kicked out ( i had done that before) he will be on the streets again and living in a park with the homeless people.  He was also classed as a missing persons last year. Police knew where he was and didnt care either.  EM, please advise me what you would personally do.  Id really appreciate that.  Its ok for others to say, Oh just love him and support him, but its taking such a strain and my love is running out.

[JuzzyWuzzyWoo]

Thankyou Bob for going to all that trouble, greatly appreciated. Your kind words are really valued. thankyou.