For him

[ayue]

Title kinda says it all, the help I'm asking for isn't really for me: I've been in a relationship with a guy for about 7 months now, and recently he's been going through a period of self-doubt. I'm honestly not sure if it's depression since I know that depression is different for everyone and I am in no place to diagnose him (especially as I've never had it myself), but regardless of what it actually is or isn't, it's definitely hard on him. He's very up and down lately - there are days where I'll spend the entire day with him and he's happy and smiling and in all truthfulness we don't do what we should be doing (studying) but it matters more to me that he's happy so I let it go. But then there are days where he can't convince himself to get out of bed - we can arrange to meet at 12pm, and he'll still be in bed at 4pm. We have exams coming up soon and I know he hasn't studied much, if any, and I'm worried. I love him to pieces and I wish he loved himself as much as I do but I understand that is a hard process to learn. I don't want to be more of a 'stressor' to him but I know if I don't drag him out to do things (especially study), he won't do them at all. I've probably over-done it lately: calling too much and too often, and I think it's starting to become nagging. His mother and older sister nag at him a lot already and he deals with it by ignoring it (not the best way but still) - and I think my insistence is starting to sound very similar, so I think he's starting to ignore me too. It's creating distance between us when we're not physically together and it hurts our relationship badly, hurts me a lot because little things bum me out, but right now, I think what's most important is him so I'm trying to push these feelings aside for now. I'm 100% determined to stick by him for as long as he'll have me. I don't want this relationship to become something he also feels is a chore or something he thinks he's doing badly at as well. I want to help him but I don't know how to - I don't know if the things I'm doing right now (spending a lot of time with him, trying to talk to him throughout the day, forgiving him easily when he messes up, etc.) are working. I'm worried that I'm with him too much but I worry even more that if I leave him alone, he'll spiral down because that's what it seems like happens. I've tried talking and he seems to understand in the moment but afterwards it's the same thing all over again. He's considered a psych but hasn't acted on it.

[white knight]

Hi ayue, welcome

Yes,, a bit of a pickle, running out of answers. A chat to your GP would be my first step. This is crutial as thete might be other aspects to his tiredness like sleep apnea. My diagnodis of same and the use of a cpap machine changed my life.

Have you tried him studying for short bursts say one hour then a 20 minute walk, one hour and snack, etc? Variety is good.

Google

Topic: depression distraction and variety- beyondblue

Topic: the timing of motivation- beyondblue

Topic: depression, how to fight it- beyondblue

Topic: who cares for the carer?- beyondblue

Topic: caring for your 'well' partner- beyondblue

Topic: a good nights deep sleep- beyondblue

All the best, post anytime

Tony WK

[geoff]

hello Ayue, it must feel like it's catch-22 for you right now, however this happens quite often when someone has someone they love and care about so their first instinct is to help them, well this can be good and sometimes not so good.
The problem is that you can't keep asking him questions when all he wants to do is sit down and have time to himself, simply because he won't have any answers because he doesn't know why he feels this way, but try not to overcrowd him.
We aren't qualified to diagnose anybody, however as we have been through depression ourselves then it's possible for us to indicate what's wrong with him, and yes it does seem as though it's depression, but he will need to go and see his doctor.
This is where you maybe able to help, suggest to him that you are going to make an appointment with his doctor, you can always cancel it if need be.
He may agree with you at that point in time but when the day comes he may get cold feet, so try and encourage him to keep the appointment, and go in with him and if need be talk on his behalf.
Let us know what happens. Geoff.