Feeling very isolated and estranged with my abusive family...
My parents have always been very neglectful, and emotionally, verbally and physically abusive. My dad's alcohol problem got worse and he became very violent in the last 5 years, resulting me having severe PTSD, anxiety and depression.
I don't talk to my dad obviously, and he's always been emotionally unavailable anyway, he can't care less about me and my existence. My mum is the only family member I talk to, even she can be verbally very abusive, I rely her on money since I am not eligible for benefits(I am not a citizen). The relationship is toxic but I need money to survive, and my PTSD is too severe for me to get a job. I can barely leave the apartment sometimes.
I don't have any contact with my other family. My grandparents are the only people in the family who really love me and spoil me. However my mum doesn't allow me to talk to them about my problems. She wants me to pretend I am happy and our family is perfect. She said it's because my grandparents are getting old and they have health issues and I don't want them to worry about you. They are her parents after all, and if they have a heart attack knowing how much I was being abused, I would feel extremely guilty and held responsible. I think my mum would definitely get into trouble tho if they know the truth...I feel like there's so much to hide in my family...so much to pretend, it's not good for my mental health.
I don't talk to anyone else in my family because they are always on my Mum's side and I am too traumatised to have someone saying "that didn't happen, it's in your head".
As a result I don't have anyone in my family I can really lean on. I am so isolated in this world. I have few friends that I can trust but not family. It's very painful. I haven't visited my grandparents for more than 5 years, and I feel like I am responsible to see them as they are getting very old. However it's too difficult for me emotionally as my mum and my relatives would just start gaslighting me and force me to pretend that I don't have depression or PTSD. I would have to hide and be an actress everyday. It would be too draining and wreak a havoc on me.
It sounds as if you live in a very difficult situation, and one you have to try to put up with. Having abusive parents is horrible, and not being able to escape due to finances simply means the whole thing goes on and on.
It looks pretty clear from what you write that you hold your grandparents in a pretty special place. This is something I can relate to. Mine were an oasis of love and calm in life. Do you think that just being with them without going too much into your situation would be a good thing? Just being loved makes a huge difference.
Because someone is old, or in poor health, does not always mean they no longer want to be involved in life and help where they can - quite the reverse, there is often a desire to do what one can while there is still time. I'd imagine that with contact they might see for themselves what things are really like, without you having to say anything.
I'm glad you have a few friends, just being able to talk makes things more bearable. Do you mind if I ask about medical treatment? As someone with PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression I found I simply did not improve until I had the right help.
I've also find doing things I enjoy and give me something to look forward to every day makes a difference. I use exercise, pets, books, movies and other things. Are there things like that for you?
Hi Light@theendoftunnel and welcome to Beyond Blue forums
Mark has given you a warm welcome and a caring and supportive response. There is little else for me to say.
Just that you're not alone. I too have PTSD, anxiety and depression that is a result of both my childhood and a childhood traumatic event. So I understand how you feel, what you're experiencing. It is good you are recognising what's happened to you now. I never understood until I was in my 40s.
You haven't mentioned how old you are, I wonder if you are under 25? If so, have you contacted eHeadspace, 1800 650 890? Talking helps and while you have friends who you talk to, it's always good to have someone else there in your corner too.
I agree with Mark. Maybe you could just visit your grandparents - to just see them, rather than them being their to help you? Giving and receiving their love would be so good. 5 years is a long time to have not seen them.
Keep reaching out, if and when you want to Light@thenedoftunnel. No pressure. You're not alone.