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Feeling very hurt and confused after Ex re-appears

Community Member

My ex and I broke up 3 months ago, due to long distance and I didn't feel like a priority, which hurt my feelings. He agreed that I deserved better. I realised I didn't want to lose him and asked if we could try and talk things through and figure things out. He was unwilling, but said we could be friends and maybe try again in the future and if there was anything I needed to know, I could ask . I was devastated and said I couldn't be friends while I was still in love with him. I begged just to talk to say goodbye, but he just ghosted me.

The next few months were awful, I missed my best friend. I messaged him a few times, but everything was ignored, so I gradually let go. Recently, I've started to feel more hopeful. But yesterday, he sent me a single message saying he missed me and asked if I was alright. I was completely shocked. I replied cautiously and asked why he was reaching out. He said he "just felt like it". I asked if there was anything else he wanted to say, and he declined. I couldn't believe that after all that time he didn't have a single apology or explanation. It was only after I said how much I had worried about him, did he acknowledge it was selfish of him "to retreat inside himself" and I deserved better. We continued to talk and he became colder and colder; I couldn't believe this was the same man I had fallen in love with. I told him I had forgiven him for what had happened, but I wasn't a back-up option for when it suited him. He ignored this, but thanked me for forgiving him. My heart was breaking again, the person I loved so dearly had only reached out to ease their conscience and loneliness.

I told him I never wanted us to break-up, I just wanted someone who would put me first. He responded with "I'm sorry you feel like I couldn't be that for you". I was so shocked he would blame me when I had made it clear how much I loved and supported him, and would choose him above anyone else. I poured out my heart - telling him how much I had missed him and loved him, but knew he needed space. All he could say was "I don't know what to say to you, I'm sorry". I asked if we could talk to say goodbye - ignored. So I wished him well and blocked.

But - why? Why would he contact me after such a long time only to cause me more hurt? I feel like he has no awareness or empathy for me and I tried to be kind to him but I just feel used and discarded. I still love him and I only want the best for him - why did he treat me like this? Did I deserve it?

5 Replies 5

Community Member
Also: just to add a bit more context. I never said I wanted "better" from him or that he was undeserving of being with me, I never compared him to other people and said I would be happier elsewhere. All I ever wanted was for him to spend a little more time with me. I tried to do my best to always make him feel special and important, I don't know why he would say these things just to hurt me...

Oh hun, I waited 20 years for my husband to put me first, and throw two kids into that mix and we all fell even lower on his ladder. In all honesty, keep him blocked and move on. He sounds like the type who isn’t going to give you closure or answers.

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Lifeisbutadream,

I'm not the ex so I can't speak for him but I can take a guess at why people do things like this. One reason could be guilt, if he can reach out and hear that you are ok; he (feels) is no longer the bad guy for leaving things like he did and he gets closure. Another reason could be boredom, especially at this time of isolation he might be looking for a bit of connection. It's exactly as you put it "had only reached out to ease their conscience and loneliness".

The ignoring is his way of saying goodbye and it sucks! I'm much like you where I would rather discuss things so they can be made clear to me instead of this ambiguous disappearance where he may or may not contact you in the future. You did the right thing by blocking him, it's the only sure way you can know he won't be floating into your life whenever he pleases. The hard part is keeping him blocked on everything, don't give him an inch where he might get in. He says you deserve better, I would trust that statement and find your own closure because he's not going to give it to you.

Of course you don't deserve this, no one does. It's heartbreaking. It's even harder to be the one cutting him off when he should have done that work instead of leaving you hanging.

All the best xo

Community Member

Hi there,

I'm sorry to hear about how this is hurting you. Your ex wasn't willing to fight for you or put up the effort when you wanted to talk things through and try to make things work. You were the bigger person for trying to reach out to him when he left you with nothing. But after all your effort and him just ghosting you, it's unfair that he wants to come back into your life now that it pleases him. Now that you have started to move on and take your mind off him. It would leave me so confused too. It would feel like a kick to the guts 😞

He had his chance to fix things with you and he couldn't put you first. You don't need his effort now, you needed it 3 months ago! Maybe he is now just starting to realise the damage he has done, but he probably still doesn't want to admit it. You deserve so much better, you deserve someone who will put you first from day one. It's something you shouldn't have to ask for from a partner. I would keep him blocked. You don't need him coming in and out of your life if he can't decide what he wants.

Community Member

This dude seems very immature emotionally and just totally cut off to others needs. I feel he doesn't have what it takes to have a healthy mature relationship. Distance or no distance I think he would be the same.

I'm sorry you felt that I wasn't that for you is a line that can have two meanings. It could be putting the blame on you or it could be him saying I really am sorry for not giving you the bit of extra time you wanted with me.

I truly think you deserve better and are capable of a more healthy mature relationship. I would keep him blocked and never let him back in again. When you are ready perhaps you can write a list of what you need in a partner and what your non negotiable are. It helps to keep it in check when you start dating again and reminds you not to settle for less than you deserve.