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How do I fix my relationship with my parents and and be okay!

Community Member

Hi, I am going to start from a long time ago. I had an unstable childhood I went to 14 different schools and was home schooled for three years. I left school in year 9. I can't remember the first time but my mother never liked me much. She would say things like I was worthless or make fun of me. She mentioned she regretted having me. At 13 my step father left us and my world was no longer protected and my mother allowed bad things to happen to me. I went to Foster care but she needed me.

Finally they put me with my grandmother and I didn't hear from her for a year. Then she called again. I ran to help her.

It's always about her and now my step dad's back he isn't much better. Always mad about something at someone. And when it comes to my kids they ignore me.

I have cut them out but then. They speak to my friends or kids and make me feel bad. I love helping people too.

I have a few kids mostly older but last year I had a child who has an airway defect. She has turned blue many times and is on oxygen and has a feeding tube. And they got stuck in qld with me because they don't drive and the xpt isn't running. Since then they refuse to stay inside my house no matter how much I fight with them and I have asked them to leave tomorrow. I feel terrible but a common cold could kill my daughter and I feel I can't risk it.

My mother keeps reminding me I had the same airway defect and that it is my just desserts that this is happening to me because I too turned blue.

I understand she feels this way but my daughter who is only five months doesn't deserve this. She is a happy smiling baby.

They want to stay the whole lock down but I have said no because I rent. My eldest son and eldest daughter now hate them and my mother keeps pretending to my husband she was the best mother and while he didn't mean to be horrible he said is that why she has to mediate before and wakes up screaming and runs off to hide. I was deeply embarrassed and now my mother thinks I am being dramatic.

I have always have self hatred issues so no surprise that I hate myself for asking them to leave, but what I want to ask is how can I fix this?

How can I not fear them? Their arrival? Or even fix our past? How can I stop these panicked nightmares?

I have been to doctors and currently nothing has helped except meditating.

Please leave any suggestions for me. I don't wish to hate them. Nor do I want to keep hurting. Thank you for reading this.

4 Replies 4

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Oh dear CC ,welcome

My heart is saddened by your story, it is so like mine. I am now safe, I’ll tell you how.

My mother likely has a illness but she never got help. After reading this post please google

queen witch hermit waif

So I believe that was her and eventually her destructiveness led to my sister and I breaking contact 10 years ago. We haven’t seen her since, she is now 89yo. We are happy

Pressure has come from cousins, aunties etc that our mother has blabbed to twisting her stories (the waif) and crying on their shoulder. I say to them-

“only her children know what she did to us, unless you are her child you would have no idea”

Us children had to overcome guilt. Google

beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor

beyondblue topic the best praise you’ll ever get

So, back to you. The very first step I’d suggest is to reject visits from others while this virus crisis continues as that is a safety factor for your child. Then when the virus slows before your mother visits put in boundaries and conditions. First she and you attend relationship counseling. Failure to sort out issues there or failure to attend then you can cut contact partially or fully (your decision) and begin to do what you need to do - repair your own mind.

I suggest you show my reply to your husband. Manipulating people can portray sweetness to others but your husband hasn’t walked in your shoes. This is what my mother is expert at, playing a game of masks.

Nevertheless, for your own wellbeing you are advised to give her an opportunity to explain herself, even prove her love for you at a counseling session. Then you can decide.

I went to a counseling session once with my mother. She denied everything and blamed me. I knew then there was no hope. She tells relatives now that my sister and I are evil and mentally ill. Yes, we are mentally ill, from mainly her abuse and her own illness and it’s ramifications.

You need your husbands support for your decisions and his respect/consideration for what you’ve endured. His support is crucial to a future that is brighter, more stable and mental repairs that download to some contentment that then will enrich your family’s lives.

Dont give up on this journey of repair. Be firm, set boundaries, discard if necessary and seek professional help.


Only I know what it’s like to be owned

to be ridiculed, laughed at, ignored

how can others judge

what happened behind closed doors?

repost anytime, we are here for you.


Community Member

Hi CC,

I had a similar story but not quite as complicated as yours but the same destructive relationships.

Your parents are unlikely to change and for your and your daughter's wellbeing, you need to look after yourself. Tony's suggestions are a path forward - even if its 2 steps forward, 1 step backward, overall its still one step forward!

You need to look after you and then you can look after your daughter. And it sounds like your husband is there for you.


Thank you so much. Your words helped me to not feel alone. My mother does suffer from schizophrenia. But she is now medicated and its worse. We have been in forced into counselling a lot and even when we were talking about my previous abuse she told me it was my own fault. How you describe your seesions is how mine were only the councillor saw through he and explained to that that it was a highly strung reletionship with me as the parent as she puts all her needs on me so I feel I can't walk away.

She also told me my mother might have more underlying issues and certainly was manipulating and trying isolate me from friends to keep me running back to her.

My mother refused to see her again. And tried telling me it was because she made up lies about me to mum. She said she protected me from her but I knew it wasn't true still I said nothing.

It's always sly stuff, small things she says or does, her suggestions and cruel words.

It's now to a point where my older son and daughter stand between us and refuse to let her have too much too much time with me because they have seen how nasty it is.

I don't want them to see it and wished they never had because its not their fight. Still they have helped me through this time by reminding me that their childhood especially the two years without them has been the greatest.

They are currently refusing to leave and taunting about am I going to do about it but my husband has given them a choice to rent a house but they have to leave for our daughters sake.

I felt better getting it off my chest but the I think I might have to walk away after they leave or limit it at least because I spent all last night awake and now I am shaking from stress. I know this isn't good for me and I want it to change. Hopefully I can be strong enough to keep it that way for me.

Thanks for replying. I feel better today. There is still. Issues but I think you are right I can't stay in the same spot I have to move forward.

Why it feels wrong I have no idea but now they are refusing to leave I decided not to take it all on my shoulders and asked my husband to help and he has explained to them they can't stay thankfully so they need to rent a place.

Thanks for making me feel less alone and your advice