Feeling trapped in my relationship. Is it salvageable?

[ssvv24]

Hi all,

I’m really stuck right now... i feel conflicted with my feelings because I’ve been in a relationship for almost two years now and for the past couple of months, I’ve felt a loss of attraction and I think I’ve fallen out of love with my partner. I feel conflicted because I don’t know whether I should put effort into fixing our relationship or breaking it off. I did try a week ago to talk it out with my partner but they ended up wanting to fix things and they still love me so I didn’t have the heart to break up with her/him. I didn’t have the courage to tell him/her I didn’t feel like I loved them anymore either. I just said I was unhappy in the relationship, bored, tired and losing attraction due to certain things. In the pit of my stomach, I felt like I wasn’t happy with my decision to continue our relationship but I felt guilty as they’ve never truly wronged me and have been quite patient and loving. He/she has never abused me and we’ve never had terrible fights where we’d insult each other, which is partly why I thought I owed them a chance because it felt as though I didn’t have a good reason to end things.I thought at least I gave them a chance to try to mend things and hopefully I’d somehow love them again but I just feel suffocated and trapped. I think I’m just staying out of guilt because my partner is clearly very much in love with me but I don’t feel the same... please help me. I feel miserable and tired of faking still being in love with them. How can I say how I truly feel in the most gentle way possible? Or should I give my relationship two weeks to see if it’s still salvageable?

[Ebi]

Hi ssvv24,

Welcome to the BB forum. Can I ask if you've had a relationship longer than 2 years before? The reason I ask is because I remember, when I was younger, feeling as though 2 years was the natural lifespan of relationships. The best time of them, when it was exciting and lustful... And I used to say I just wanted serial monogamy, like a bee sucking the best nectar from a flower before moving on. But I have now been with my partner for nearly 15 years and the lust has simmered down to a long, slow burn which is warming and deep... That's not to say that your current relationship is the one you want to ultimately invest in, however I think that you may bump against this feeling in most relationships and then it is almost an act of conscious commitment that kicks it over into the next, longer-lasting stage. Obviously my perspective is coloured by the fact that I don't believe in the only 'one' soulmate for each person.

Thinking of you, Ebi

[ssvv24]

Hi Ebi,

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it 🙂 this is actually my first relationship and I was so determined to make it my only... I never had any intention before and now to I guess, finish off things with him/her because our relationship has become dry and start another. Things have just changed and for months I found myself slowly becoming detached and I think losing my romantic love for them. I want to know, even though I’m unhappy and not in love when I’m with them now, will I be able to be the loving partner I was once before? If this is a common thing between couples, how can I accept this part of the relationship I’m dealing with now and get over it? I tried so hard the other day when we out on a date to be happy but I couldn’t reciprocate the affection he/she was giving me and was very quiet. In the end, we parted ways to go home and he/she was clearly upset likely because he/she felt I was distant. I’ve never hated myself so much before because of this

[geoff]

Hello Ssvv24, and a warm welcome to the forums.

If you are feeling as though you aren't in love with this person anymore, then can you have a separation, although I can't tell you what to do, it's just a thought.

There will be no doubt you will be able to love another person because once you see them, your heart will melt, you will know this feeling, it's beautiful.

Is there a possibility that you both could have some sort of counselling to sort out any problems that could be overcome.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.