Why would he not ask me first????

[jessemjim]

Im 49 and have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, We don't live together because he is a baker and starts at 3am. I live with my daughter and 3 year old grandson and my boyfriend wont move in with me because a toddler in the house doesn't suit his sleep routine. So we work in the same department and see each other everyday at work although we don't work specifically together. We both work full time and our work week is Sunday - Thursday. We both have Friday and Saturday off as our weekend so that is when we see each other as partners. We spend Thursday night, Friday, Friday night and Saturday together. We enjoy our weekends together and always make the most of them. I do not see him outside work Sunday - Wednesday due to his sleep routine aswell as some health issues he has and the appointments he needs to attend.

My problem is recently there have been some changes as work and my partner has asked if he can change his roster to work Monday to Friday and work has agreed to it. He did this because the hours they were offering suit him better and he feels like with some changes to penalty rates on a Sunday its not worth working Sundays anymore. He didn't tell me he was going to do this he just did it and told me. It means we only have Saturdays when we can see each other and when I asked him why he did this without talking to me and asking me how I felt about it he said he didn't really even think about it and the fact we would only have one day a week together as a couple. Im gutted and beyond hurt that he didn't consider our relationship or my feelings before making such a big decision. I have ended our relationship still trying to stay friends because of seeing him at work but im devastated. Why would he do this. He tells me he loves me. Am I wrong to be completely stunned and hurt by his decision and his lack of consideration to our relationship? Why would be do this??? Surely im not overreacting.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I wont agree that you are over reacting at all but there is some other factors worth mentioning.

Firstly I agree with his desire to improve his hours of work and get all the weekends off. Shift work, early starts etc drain anyone over time and he saw the opportunity. If he wasn't in a relationship it would be perfect.

I don't know your guy but, being a guy myself there sometimes creeps in- a single guy mentality. This mentality results in not consulting your partner on vitally important issues. In his case, why wouldn't he consult you? Well, because you don't live together enough for him to automatically consider your feelings. That sounds harsh and few words can sooth you at the moment but I'm guessing this is how he was thinking. Us men focus on one thing at a time and for him it was roster change.

He told you he loves you. I have some news for you- he does. This slip of inconsideration has zero bearing in my opinion, to love (for a man). I've been in similar situations and I've loved that lady but forgotten to inform her of alterations to my life that directly or indirectly effected her. Absent minded? inconsiderate? Too much on his mind? A carrot dangled and he didn't think "I better ask my girlfriend"? Trouble is as this is part of his male DNA- its likely to happen again unless you live every day together. Then he is likely to discuss it before deciding.

There is also the factor of independence. Some adults feel they can make life changes without consulting their "partner" especially if not living together 24/7.

I think you are "gutted" because of your deep love for this man. However, I also think that your hurt has overflowed to see you break off the relationship a little early. Counseling might have done wonders and still can. Even time out for a few weeks might help.

The differences in males and females is enormous. There is that book "men are from Mars, women are from Venus" that is worth reading. What books like that or articles on the web with differences of the sexes highlight is that we are wired differently. That's why I mentioned that he would indeed love you but he didn't follow protocol. Yes he was wrong because your relationship is well established.

But there are many occasions when we don't carry out obligations that our partners automatically believe we should simply for one reason- he is him and you are you....you aren't the same person.

Repost anytime and all the best.

TonyWK

[jessemjim]

Thankyou so much. Such an insightful response from the male perspective. As a women i have translated his decision as "i dont care about our relationship enough to put it first. It doesnt.matter to me that I will only spend time with you one day a week" "only what i want and think.matters"

[white knight]

Hi,

Humans are complex and different. We'd like to think we all share the "right" values and those are our values.

But it isnt that simple. That applies to him also, he has to also make effort to understand why you are so disappointed.

This is why counseling would be good. Even if you reunite you both will benefit. It clarifies things

Are you ok?

TonyWK

[jessemjim]

Hi sorry to take so long to reply. Things have become more complicated. He has been in hospital the last week with a blood clot that required surgery hence my absence from this page. I definatley love him and have put my issue aside and support him, he is my best friend. I'm sure he would not agree to councelling. I don't know what to do now. I still feel the same way. I cant accept this decision regarding his work days and his lack of consulting me. He knows how strongly I feel about it but he really struggles to communicate on an emotional level. I had made my mind up to leave the relationship but remain good friends but with his latest health issue I have been treating him as my partner. Once he recovers and is back to work the feelings of resentment and hurt will resurface and I don't know what to do.

[white knight]

Ok, understood

Then one idea I recommend is for you to go to counseling alone.

If asked by him what you discussed be strong and reveal only "I'm going so I van learn to cope with our relationship, if you'd like to accompany me you are welcome". Thats it.

I hope that helps. I also hope he recovers.

TonyWK

[SammiSam]

I agree with white knight. Seek out counseling for yourself. Counseling will help you with deal with your feels of resentment and hurt. Stay strong.