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New phase of relationship

Community Member

My boyfriend told me that he is not interested in sex with me or anyone and he thinks that I'm asexual. He's had a rough past with an ex-girlfriend. They were together for 8 years and ended when he fell for her younger sister who moved in with them. He said he felt a connection and that they slept together but it didn't keep together like he thought they would. The fall out was dramatic as you would think. However, he still sometimes in contact with the family (not the sister who has moved on). I'm only slowly getting these details now. I've been with him for 6 months but have known him a year beforehand. He believes that physical intimacy ruins relationships so we have not been intimate so far. For me, this was partly because I wanted to get to know him first, I don't feel much desire if there's no connection. However I'm concerned that he is a liar by omission and has lingering feelings for his ex-girlfriend's sister. I'm also concerned that he's projecting on to me. I'm not asexual and I'm not happy he entered a relationship with me without dicussing his intimacy issues. I've had a rough time with an ex too, which is why I wasn't keen to rush into anything.

At first I did not want to persue a relationship with him but he was persistent. I've been introduced as his girlfriend to his parents and close friends and extended family. But his ex has no idea. He said that she has boarderline personality and didn't want to trigger her. He's generous and supportive but I feel like he might be manipulating me to fill a void. When we were talking about his past he spoke about his disappointment and hurt that things with his ex and sister turned sour. He told me that his ex-girlfriend's sister was beautiful but when I asked if he thought I was too he said 'not exactly'. I'm confident in my appearance but his answer seemed to indicate a lack of interest in me. When I started to tear up he told me he loved me for the first time and that I was the most level headed relationship he's had. About a month ago I let him know that a girl friend of his made me uncomfortable as it was clear she had feelings for him and she was pushing my boundaries so she could thirdwheel. He was mature and validated my feelings. We haven't had problems with this friend since.

I'm about to have a career change and would like to avoid unnecessary baggage and stress.

Is this an honest relationship recap or am I being taken for a ride?

1 Reply 1

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi ShellyShelly, welcome.

It's great you've found your way to our forums Shelly. There are many supportive, caring and friendly people here. We all have different experiences and different views on life.

It will be interesting to see all the different answers you get to your question - Is this an honest relationship recap or am I being taken for a ride?

To be honest, I really never try to answer these types of questions because I don't know either you or your partner at all. It would be rather silly of me to try and answer this.

However, from what you have written, I'd think there are a number of questions I'd ask myself -

  • what's wrong with wanting to get to know someone before having sex?
  • what things make up a relationship? (e.g. similar interests and values)
  • how come someone thinks it's okay to say - that I'm not beautiful? (e.g. - ummm, I'd be asking what's your attraction to me?) (For me it sounds like the other person is trying to devalue me, make me feel worthless)
  • what does love mean for each of you?
  • do you need complete commitment while you are thinking about a career change? Maybe see how things turn out?
  • what happens when your relationship is stressful?

From one question you've opened up many more. Not sure I've helped you a all Shelly. Maybe others will give you something you need.

Kind regards