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Feeling sad, confused, cheated

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

I have been married for 16 years. In the last few years my wife has been very secretive about money she has held yet demands to know everything about what I earn, spend and what money we have in the joint accounts. I retired about 5 years ago and took all the funds out of the super accounts I had accumulated and put into our joint SMSF., making sure that at least 65% was in her name to ensure she was looked after, as she had very little super.

When her Mum died, she was left some $180,000 5 years ago which has now grown to about $220k. Yet she has not contributed one cent of it to our joint household. We have been living on savings which are quickly running out. She still demands we have an annual overseas holiday and her medical bills go on our joint account. When I start to draw on the SMSF next year it will come from my share to cover our living expenses, unless she tips in some of her own funds she has withheld or withdraws some from her share of the SMSF (she will pay tax because she is not able to do this for 3 years).

I am feeling very bewildered and concerned recently at her attitude about money. I am feeling very uncomfortable about raising this with her because she gets very high and mighty when I challenge her on anything. Am I being a bit petty and stupid? I am concerned about equity in the relationship

2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

Quiet ofyen hete I end up suggesting couples attend a relationship counselor but in that suggestion id a proviso- that if the partner refusrs to attend then go alone. However if your partner asks you details on your sessions you only divulge that you are going to counseling to learn to cope with her.

The concept is that if offered to attend counseling your partner should be concerned with your happiness. If not then she is not entitled to details of the sessions.

In your case her closed subject stance is not workable in what should be an equal financial playing field.

The only other idea is to inform her you want to make an appointment with a financial advisor over retirement income. At any such meeting all finance issues should be tabled. If not then such concealment is obstructive and can have serious consequences that is better to get sorted now rather than later.

I hope it works out.


Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Quiettall~

I have not spoken with you for a while and hope all else is OK.

With your wife not contributing on the surface it simply looks selfish or greedy - as well as being shortsighted.

May I ask if in other respects your wife is a cooperative and thoughtful partner? If that is the case there may be some particular reason or anxiety over money that has taken hold.

I guess the only thing I could suggest would be talk. Not an easy subject to broach, perhaps opening with the emotional impact on you.

Perhaps that might settle things. Hopefully you have a partnership.

If not then yes, financial and even other advice, but for you, to ensure your savings do not just get swallowed up whilst hers remain untouched.