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Feeling lost and like it’s never getting better..

Nomes6
Community Member

Hi guys,

this is my first post here.. I just feel so lost my mother died suddenly a couple of months after I found out my partner of 14 years was having an affair.. I struggled with mum getting sick suddenly and taking over her car she went from well to dying within 2 months when I was told she would be ok but the cancer she was supposed to be okay from but it suddenly spread.. the my brother couldn’t cope so he committed suicide.. I promised my mum I would look after him.. my dad moved on with different woman straight away so much so he wanted to bring one to my mums funeral.. I had to put my foot down and say no my brother wouldn’t cope... even when my brother died he refused to pay for a funeral... I had to fight him over it as he had the money as he takes his girlfriend all over the world... this Xmas is my first one without anyone as my brother isn’t here and my dad is spending it with his girlfriend in another state... I feel so lonely and even though people are nice to me etc I can’t shake the feeling I don’t want to be here anymore... I wish I had a family Xmas like others.. I don’t know how to spend it.. I would like to help people who are alone but not sure how.. it’s the only way I think I can bring any meaning to my life ...

4 Replies 4

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Nomes6~

Welcome to the Forum, I'm very glad you came here as being alone is not only the pits but can be dangerous, it can be easy to give up.

You have had one tragedy piled on another and it is enough to shake anyone to the core. The fact you thought your mum would get better, only to lose her would shake anyone's faith in the medical profession.

Your brother was so affected he took his life, and it would be only natural for you to feel you could have done more, missed something, not been supportive enought or any one of a dozen other things one thinks at times like this.

All wrong of course, one person simply cannot keep another alive. That can happen, and when it does it is most likely with a medical team, the people that are close and also most importantly person themselves, all play their part, not just you and all are needed to it to happen..

I've no comment to make on your dad, grief and loss affect people in very different ways, and without knowing him I'd be hesitant to say anything.

Xmas is a time of loneliness and grief -and want - for so many. The contrast between 'happy families' and reality can make it seem much worse.

I do have a suggestion. Rather that being alone go see the Smith Family, or St Vincent's, or some similar charity and ask to volunteer.

Xmas is a busy time, and all the help possible will be needed, from coffee to the homeless at midnight, to setting plates (and washing up) in a meal room. All sorts of things. Whatever your talents, from simple hard work to bookkeeping, all can be used.

You will also find yourself included and appreciated, a good feeling

What do you think?

Croix

Nomes6
Community Member

Hi Croix,

Firstly thank you for replying, I have spent the day in tears between work then come home and just want to sleep or cry.. then I remembered my post so I looked to see if anyone replied.. I didn’t expect anyone to yet as it’s a busy time of year.. but you did so thanks..

thanks also for the well thought out response and advice.. it’s funny I have thought about doing exactly what you have suggested.. however I live in a country town and I dont know how to find places like this.. I thought the same.. I could help people which always makes me feel better about myself plus I can be around people and part of a team of some sorts even if I don’t have a family to be part of... maybe I should reach out to the Red Cross and they might be able to get in touch with people.. Xmas aside I had thought about touching base and visiting older people who have lost their family etc as we would have that in common.. it’s like when you lose most of your family you lose your identity... my brother and mum along with myself were the most present in the family.. so now the memories are with me.. which is sad as I don’t have anyone to reminisce with except an old childhood friend but I think unless you have gone through it there is this expectation to move on etc which is hard... plus I was always strong but I find myself to be a different person now... I will take your advice though and see what I can come up with... thanks again for replying to me.. I just never expected my life to look like this now.. 20 years from now maybe but not now.... it’s weird I miss who I was and miss the things I used to do but have no desire to do them at the same time if that makes sense... thank you again.. do you have people to share the holidays with?

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Oh Nomes6, I’m so sorry to hear that you have lost your mum and brother in such sudden and tragic circumstances. You’ve had one tragedy piled on top of the other and it’s no wonder you’re not coping. And then to have your father behaving in such an insensitive manner must make you feel very alone. I know it’s little consolation but I have seen similar things more often than not, I think that some people are so terrified of being on their own that they can’t face it. But it is incredibly hurtful to the grieving people around them.

I think that volunteering with other people who are feeling lonely or isolated is a great idea and I’m sure that you will get just as much out of it as you give. I would also strongly consider going to see a psychologist with experience in grief counseling as I really think you need some support at the moment. I’ll be honest I don’t think you should have to move on from the people you love. I still miss my grandmother and I lost her over 20 years ago. But I can look back and smile now rather than cry, and I hope that you can get to that stage with time. I once had a severe stroke and was devastated to think the suffering that if put my family through, when in reality I wasn’t aware of anything. I’m sure that your mother wouldn’t want it this way either. Sending you love and strength xx

Nomes6
Community Member

Hi Juliet,

Thanks so much for your response, I’m sorry for my late reply this past week I finally spread my Brothers ashes with my dad and his girlfriend then got evacuated due to the fires it’s been a crazy time and the emotion is just hitting me now.. they tell you to evacuate to friends or family but I have let myself become so isolated that I don’t have many friends anymore.. though I was lucky and someone in a suicide support group ( group for people who had a family member or friend commit suicide) offered for me to stay the night at her Aunts house with her as she was getting evacuated from a different fire so she was going there..

it was so nice being part of someone’s family and then when I came home I found it so empty I missed it.. it was nice for that short time to be part of a family... especially at this time of year.. I miss my mother so much and my old life..

the actual ashes release of my brother was nice he would have liked it... he remarked on mums ashes getting taken up in the wind and his did the same so that was good..

it was hard though.. I wish I magically knew some people that need help so I can go and be there for them.. maybe tomorrow will be easier.. I rang on the line they are a phone counselling service and I got to talk to someone... it was nice to talk to someone.. though the void comes again once I’m off the phone.. I don’t know how to make myself happy anymore and I think that’s the problem.. I feel like I need people to make me feel happy for the first time.. and now I don’t have anyone ☹️ .... thank you for taking time to write to me.. I’m sorry I’m not a ray of sunshine.. it’s just so hard... oh and I have Been seeing a mental health nurse and I get in to the psychologist at the end of February.. she’s supposed to be good hence the wait, plus living in a small town.. so thank you for that advice..

Nomes