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Feeling lost and exhausted

Gwen_777
Community Member

I’ve suffered with depression for many years...I’m SSRI meds ....at times I drink too much....ok I got into a really bad habit of drinking after work and I’m now cutting out drinking all together and exercising more....but I woke up this morning and was so sad and down.....I was at my bf house (we have dated for over five years) but only really see each other once or twice a week....and I just woke up and couldn’t stop crying....he knows all my issues...he’s in management and even takes part in depression education for staff members... but every time I get down or want to be alone...he just keeps thinking I’m with someone else or that I’m talking to someone else...he says he doesn’t understand why I cry and feel sad for no reason....sometimes I don’t even know🤷🏻‍♀️

He is very successful and I only have a diploma and a low paying but fulltime stable job....he keeps telling me how much money he has and how much super he has and what his children will inherit and how everyone at his work thinks he’s an amazing worker....he’s very much an a type personality...if I want a rest...he thinks I’m being lazy....he’s told me that he feels he would never be able to live with me full time...He says he doesn’t understand why I say and do some things and why I can’t get out of sadness when I’m down....we had a big disagreement this morning because I couldn’t stop crying and I don’t know why...i said if I’m so weird why are you seeing me still after all this time.....I just feel lost (I’m in my late forties and he’s late fifties)

I said something terrible he has two children to two different women and he states that both of his past partners have had non diagnosed mental health conditions (his diagnoses) ??

and I said I’m mental too...why do you keep picking people with mental issues??

i know I’m horrible and nastt

2 Replies 2

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Gwen 777

You mention that your bf is very successful and you only have a diploma and low paying full time job. I can tell you now Gwen, you are the true unfolding success story here. You experience the incredible challenges of depression whilst holding down a full time job and enduring what sounds like the somewhat thoughtless proclamations from a boyfriend who sets some pretty questionable standards. Besides also having gained a diploma at some stage, you are now working on reforming your physical health, whilst taking responsibility for your mental health (the anti-depressants). My goodness woman, you're a legend!!! By the way, from what you've written, your bf actually sounds a little insecure.

Myself, I'm a 48yo gal who endured depression from around the age of 20-35. Yes, I still remember those days, where my husband would come home from work to occasionally find me sitting fully clothed in and empty bathtub sobbing my heart out (for no apparent reason). My young daughter would also witness my occasional breakdowns, whilst trying her hardest to console me, wrapping her little arms around me.

Gwen, I think folk can take part in depression education whilst never truly understanding such dis-ease, unless they experience it for themselves. If everyone could take a sip from the cup of depression for just a day, they would be shocked by the impact. Of course, the true impact of depression is, in my opinion, to be found in the not knowing. Not knowing when or if it will ever end is the ultimate torture.

Personally, I don't believe what you said to be too horrible. It was an obvious vent, designed to impact. I believe you took the criticism directed at you and turned it around (in frustration). It is a frustrating situation you're in Gwen and my heart truly goes out to you. Perhaps it's time to reassess the meds as well as investigating any underlying issues for the further change in your state of mind. As I say, Gwen, you're a legend and deserve the attention needed to help guide you in the best direction.

That little girl of mine turns 16 this Sunday. She and my 13yo son have learned that there is so much more to us than simply the state our brain is in. Whilst I've come to teach them that depression is a battle fought by warriors I have also shared the belief that we are soulful creatures who, in understanding this deeper part of us, recognise the true value of freedom. Status and money are nothing in comparison.

Take care of yourself Gwen

Thank you so much for your reply....I’ve broken off with my bf and going to focus on my health and building up supportive female friendships instead.

I have three adult children and I have to make sure I’m well for any future challenges.

Thanks for sharing some of your struggles with depression with me.

Its great to hear your children have also grown more aware with you... and that you’ve taught them the true value of the human Soul ☺️

thanks again xo