Feeling alone in my marriage

Princess_S · ‎19-01-2016

I am not sure where to start.

I am married. But I feel alone in it. My husband sort of feels a bit like a stranger. We are not emotional close. I don't know if we are supposed to be. Is that how married people are supposed to feel? He doesn't understand me and I don't understand him, but this is on a deep level, like a heart level. When we do talk, it is often that we are on different wave lengths. He says things to me, and apparently I perceive them different to what he was saying. I often feel like I don't matter to him, and that he doesn't care about me. He never really sees me, really sees me as person. Sometimes I just cry and cry. And I feel very alone. I want to feel emotional close to him, but I can't. Sometimes I wish I could go, because I am so unhappy and hurting.

Ok just needed to get it out.

Zeal · ‎19-01-2016

Hi Princess S,

Welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry to hear that you and your husband are not emotionally close. I am in a relationship (only 8 months so far) and have never married (I'm 22), so I don't have personal marriage experience. However, from reading, studying psychology, and talking to others, I know that emotional closeness is crucial in a marriage. Being able to feel connected to your partner and have strong communication skills is important. You deserve to feel loved and secure in your marriage. If you don't mind me asking, how long have you two been married? And when/ how long ago did you notice a change in your closeness? To get married, you two would have had an emotional connection. You may have started drifting apart and losing this feeling of closeness over time, or perhaps life circumstances are involved?

There is a book I've dipped into and found interesting, even though I didn't read it for a specific purpose. It doesn't focus on difficult marriages, but is instead a book about how to nurture and strengthen romantic relationships in general by avoiding harmful habits. It's called Don't Sweat the Small Stuff in Love by Richard Carlson (Ph.D) and Kristine Carlson. The emotional distance you and your husband are facing and the lack of care you're experiencing is significant and in no way small. However, the principles and ideas in this book are useful for any relationship.

Even though you might have just wanted a space to let out your thoughts, I thought I'd reply to you 🙂 Hopefully something I've said has sparked a useful thought for you. If not, then that's okay too. If you feel you and your husband can repair your relationship, couples counselling could be beneficial. If your husband mistreats you emotionally or physically, this is a sign that you need to disengage or seek professional help and support. It sounds as though this isn't the case though 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

geoff · ‎20-01-2016

dear Princess, when we married the person we love that means that there is so much that we want to share with each other,
we don't get married from lust, because that will never last.
Marriage means many decisions that need to be made by two people who agree on what they have chosen to do, rent or buy
a house/flat that you can decorate together, but a puppie, go on holidays together, clothes we buy that we know our
spouse/partner would love us to wear, develop a garden and so on.
It means a joint decision by the both of us, but if however you are miles apart on different wave lengths then you're
living with a 'no body', because love, itimancy, planning events ahead and discussions need to be genuine and sincere.

Relationship counselling could be a good idea, however sometimes the 'horse has bolted' which means that he may not be
interested in doing this, even though you want to, because you want a marriage that does exactly what I have said above.

If he doesn't then this doesn't mean that you should not get counselling, because there are two issues here, 1 marriage
is not what you want and 2 you are suffering as a consequence causing sadness, being upset and probably being annoyed,
so you need to vent with a psychologist, and by saying with a psych that doesn't mean that you stop posting on this site
asking for help and support.

Some marriages can last for 65 years because they both have an understanding with each other, my marriage lasted 25 years
but ended because she couldn't help me with my depression and I was self medicating with alcohol, I do however wish that
we were still together but that will never happen, she was my first and only love.

I hope that you will get back to us.Geoff, x

Carmela · ‎01-02-2016

Hi, I hope l am not too late and you get a chance to read this post. I too found myself in your very situation many years ago. My husband and l had emotionally check out but we were living under the same roof. It was painful, hopelessness set in and l found myself grieving for a marriage that was slowing decaying from our poor
communication and time together.

We saw a marriage counsellor to determine our next steps as neither of us wanted to just ‘chuck it in’ without an independent assessment. The counsellor confirmed our feelings and highlighted to us both that to achieve the happiness we both deserve, we needed to end our marriage. It took bag full of courage to pack my bags and leave but l am today so much better off for that decision. I now have true happiness, a wonderful husband and a child l adore.

Everyone deserves happiness and true love and that includes you Princess S.

MareeC07 · ‎05-04-2016

Hi Carmela,

How did you manage to find the courage to see the psychologist? I read your story and I can see so many similarities to my sister's story - except she is still married, with a 5 month old baby, and extremely unhappy. She is struggling to tell anyone how she is feeling - she's only just "broken the silence" by hinting something to me. I am trying to encourage her to see a GP so that she can get access to a psychologist, but she is terrified of speaking about her feelings. I really think she needs an independent person (i.e. a psychologist) to tell her that her marriage has to end, that she will feel horrible for a while, but then things will get better - she struggles to believe me when I tell her this. She has been unhappy in her relationship for many years...

Carmela · ‎06-04-2016

I was asked a question by a friend, 'do you want to be and feel this way in 5 or 10 years time?' Such simple words but it triggered something in me to find that courage and realise that, NO l don't want to be like this anymore.

When children are involved, l find some mothers need to ensure their child has a complete family becomes more important that her needs. Unfortunately, this really isn't good for the mum or the child as children are so receptive and in tune to their mum's feelings and sooner or later they will act out what their mum is feeling.

As your sister has started to speak, encourage her to do so and tell her that you are there for her. This reassurance will help her understand that she is not alone in her struggle and that you care enough to support her.