Feel like i'm setting myself up for a fall but persisting anyway

[Mike05]

Hi,
Long story short I met my wife when I was 22. We were together for 12 years and married for 6 of those.
She cheated on me with a co-worker off and on for a few years. I thought everything was good between us and had no idea it was going on. I couldn't forgive her so we separated.
I now have massive trust issues.
I currently have a girlfriend but shes 12 years younger. It started out as fun, off and on for a year. I didn't see how we could ever work so we usually walked away from each other after a month or so but ended up coming back to each other. We got pretty attached. We have now been together for a year straight as a couple after a year of a volatile off and on relationship.
Problem is my trust issues cause my mind to go into overdrive stressing about her cheating on me. I get nervous when she goes out and i'm not there. Usually cant sleep until she gets home. Nothing I do can calm me. Sometimes I would drink alcohol to pass out. Problem is (apart from relying on alcohol) sometimes it doesn't help me get to sleep and I'll contact her with rude msg and then her being a young girl sends spiteful msgs back to upset me.
I drive to and from work everyday thinking stupid scenarios in my head which obviously never eventuate. I know i need to get into a positive mindset but nothing I do helps.
On top of that a guy has been constantly messaging my GF trying to get her to sleep with him. She flirts for a bit in the messages then shuts him down. It really hurts and she knows this. She keeps promising to just ignore him but then a few months on it happens again.
I love the girl and don't want to break up over flirting text messages. But when is enough, enough...she stopped speaking to him for about 4 months then the other day I busted her replying to a text from him. There was flirting again but the last text was shutting him down.
I look at my life from the outside and despite being cheated on by my ex and going through hell for a year I really should have the perfect life. I have an awesome job, great house in a great location and a GF who is always talking about our future together. But these texts are really getting to me.
Its really playing on my mental health. I always said after my ex I wasn't going to put up with any more mistreatment. But here I am. Some friends have encouraged me to keep persisting while others have said maybe I should walk away. I love her so much though.
I just don't know where I'm at anymore.

So much for a long story short!

[Mike05]

Well it’s been a while since I was on here. Unfortunately my GF ended up cheating on me.

a few months ago we had a big argument and she just didn’t come home after work.

She went straight to a guys house after work and slept with him.

Ive been single. Is for a few months and she has been contacting me most days. She wants me to take her back. I still love the girl but I don’t know how I can ever trust her again. Which is tough as I miss her and want her in my life but I don’t think I can deal with the stress she has caused me. I gave her enough chances while we were together and she was sending sexual text messages to guys so I don’t know how it would be different now.

She has said she knows what she has lost and took me for granted. She said she was prepared to wait 6months or longer until I’m ready and she wouldn’t date or see other guys.

Im thinking I just need to stick to my decision for now. She always makes promises but has never delivered.

Best I stay single for now

[Mike05]

So its been a couple of months now and while I am doing better I am still missing her and sometimes contemplating giving her a second chance. Well actually thinking about it a lot. She has been doing some counselling and is still saying that she took me for granted and everything will be different now. Its difficult as i want to believe her but i have also heard it all before. I suppose the only difference is that I actually followed through wih the break up this time, whereas the last few times it only lasted a day or so. So potentially it has hit home for her and she really does want to make this work.

The trust thing is also going to be a major issue to get through. I love her and have days where I can see a future together. Then the next day I wonder if its all too hard and she is just going start her inappropriate messages again...

I know that its ultimately my decision, but can people really change? is it worth the gamble putting myself out there again when i have given her so many chances before. Sometimes I feel we were toxic at times and then at the same time i have never had more fun with anyone else and felt such a connection with before. The good times were amazing but the bad times were extremely stressful and upsetting.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Mike05,

My belief is that some people can change, but only under certain circumstances. I think if someone acts in a way that is a departure from their character and has sufficient enough regret for their action (not just getting caught), then I think they can change. The second circumstance, which I think most applies to your situation, has to do with timing. Someone can act one way in their 20s but settle down in their 30s for example. You don’t mention how old you are or how old your girlfriend is, only that there is a 12 year age gap, but she sounds quite immature to me. I don’t mean any offense by that, I only say it because of the messaging other men for attention and having an argument and then going straight over to someone else’s place and sleeping with them. That sounds like behavior of someone in their 20s to me, not someone who’s interested in building a committed relationship to me. I feel like she’s quite a few years off being ready for where you sound like you’re at. Also, I don’t know whether it’s worth opening yourself up to the possibility of more damage, given that the relationship seems to have a few negatives already. Just my thoughts x

[Mike05]

Hi Juliet_84's

Firstly thank you for taking the time to respond, i really appreciate it.

She is 24 and I am 36. I do agree with what you are saying. I definitely have a lot to think about. It is tought as she seems very genuine and determined but I have heard this from her before.

Im not ready to put myself back out there for her or anyone for the matter. I dont have the headspace to commit myself to anyone in a relationship.

I think it might be best if i just continue the friendship and being civil with her for the moment and see how her behaviour goes over the next few weeks/months.

Thank you 🙂

[Juliet_84]

Hi Mike05,

I think that’s a good strategy. You’ve been through the ringer a bit with your relationships and I think taking some pressure off you and letting yourself heal a bit is a good idea.

In my experience, when people want to get back with you, they do seem genuine and determined and I’m sure they probably feel that way at that very moment. But then they go away and freak out at some point and go back to their old tricks. That being said, if someone wants to prove to you that they are genuine and are working on their issues, then they can also do this without you signing up for a relationship. You really don’t need to get back into something until you are satisfied that this time will be different and that may take time to prove.