A warm welcome to you as such an incredibly challenging time in your life and the life of your family.
As a mum to an 18yo son and 21yo daughter, I've admitted to them over the years that part of the time I have absolutely zero idea what I'm doing when it comes to parenting. They appreciate the honesty and have admitted they have no idea what they're doing at times either. Working things out together has been challenging in a number of ways, that's for sure.
While my son's raised me in many ways, my daughter has raised me through challenging me in significant ways. I swear, she was born feisty. I remember the moment she woke me up to how unreasonable I could be, which explained some of the distance between the 2 of us at the time. I would parent her the way I was parented. 'Do as you're told. Don't question me. I don't care what you have to say' and all that stuff. Do as you're told = Dictator. Don't question me = I refuse to be challenged or open my mind to questions. I don't care what you have to say = I care more about what I want than what you want or maybe even need. She gradually taught me to be reason able (offer and accept good or valid reasons for things). She led me to be a better listener and to care more about her feelings and what certain things really meant to her. The list goes on when it came to what she managed to teach me over time. What she taught me I applied to other relationships I had. I should add, she gave as good as she got. She became more reasonable, more respectful, more open minded, more considerate of my feelings etc etc. Unfortunately, her father refused to change his ways and the distance between him and our kids grew wider. He preferred to stick to his old style ways of parenting even when our kids' minds, lives, experiences and ages were advancing toward adulthood.
I think one of the toughest things about raising and being raised by a child who we grow distant from can involve hearing the painful truth from them. When it comes to being able to give reasons, it can be relatively easy. To accept the valid reasons for why our child does not like us or is angry with us can be so much harder. I think what can make it hard involves there being some truth to it at times. I came to realise my daughter spoke the truth when she said 'You hardly ever listen to me' or 'You just don't seem to care about me'. Of course, I've always cared about her but not necessarily in the ways she needed me to care.
I'm wondering whether your son may have been trying to tell you something over the years and he's angry because he doesn't feel heard. Something else my daughter taught me involved the truth being her truth. I didn't have to agree with it, I just had to acknowledge how much it deeply hurt her. A much stronger emotional connection formed between the 2 of us when I began to feel for her. Often, behind anger there is some hurt. Whether this is the case with your son, perhaps it's worth asking him and listening from his perspective.
