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Father to be, second guessing marriage and thinking about another women

Herefortheforums
Community Member

Hi

Really struggling with a lot on my plate at the moment and all building up all at once. Currently, my wife and I are expecting a new born and she is 38 weeks pregnant. At the moment, I don’t feel anything towards the new born and haven't really had any strong feelings towards it since I found out. I hope to be a good dad but a lot of uncertainty clouds my judgment. What makes this situation more stressful and more worse for me is that we are in our second year of marriage and I have feelings for another woman (who I can’t stop thinking about). I feel guilty about wanting something else and being happy with someone else, but I feel like I’m not supposed to have these feelings and I’m not allowed. I love my wife and I want nothing but great things for her and for her to be truely happy...but lately I find myself imaging my life with another women who I talk with everyday and it makes me feel so happy when I talk with her. However guilt takes over and makes me feel worse when I think ‘how would my wife handle what I’m feeling’...especially with a new born coming into the world.
With all this happening I find myself asking ‘am I allowed to be happy?’ Or ‘Why do I feel guilty about wanting to be with someone else?’..‘Will my child be affected by the way I feel?’ A lot of thoughts are running through my head and really unsure how to handle any of this. I feel terrible and all I wanna do is be happy.

8 Replies 8

tranzcrybe
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
Welcome to Beyond Blue and I appreciate your honest appraisal of how you feel but also where you are feeling conflicted - that takes a degree of deep contemplation and I congratulate you on being so in touch with these mixed emotions at present.
If it helps, it might good to toss those ideas around here on the forums. Perhaps you are having a stress reaction to what the future holds - a new baby can be terrifying and make you want to escape somewhere. How do you think you will feel after it is born?

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

The dilemma you are facing happens often in every day life. What does a male psychiatrist do when his patient is attractive and he develops feelings for? Or a co-worker? And so on. Well the right thing to do is well known, the person in a committed relationship should remain faithful with restraint. The professional should remain professional and control himself or herself.

You ask "all I wanna be is happy" . I'm sure your partner is expecting to remain happy so, spare a thought for her. I'm sorry but I haven't read many words of compassion (for her future dilemma) from your post. You might be under stress.

It is not unusual for a prospective dad to not feel anything for their yet to be born baby. It all changes when born, well it did for me anyway.

It's also common to believe the grass is greener over the fence. Your feelings for this other woman might dissolve. Tread carefully and I suggest if you are that unhappy you wait till well after baby is born before you decide anything.

Thankyou for being open to ideas and different perspectives.

TonyWK

lost_girl_101
Community Member

Hi,

To read your story i feel so much sorrow for your wife who is waking up every morning over the moon that she has you and a baby on the way its her dream family but in reality thats not true is it ?. She would have happy future thoughts and plans of the family in her mind with not knowing the man she loves is second guessing the relationship . To be a woman who is going through a partner cheating and he lies about it all you should know how much its destroyed EVERYTHING about me. I wouldnt wish this on my worse enemy.. So have some courtesy and either shut down your infuctuation with another women or keep lying to yourself and to your wife that your happy and ruin 2 innocent peoples lives.

Helarctus
Community Member

Analytically; this sounds like a lot of stressors in life and the attraction of the other woman coming in part from the fact that there is the illusion that those stressors would not exist if you pursued her.

Hopefully you can talk about your feelings with your wife, it may not be an attraction to someone else but more a desire to change your current situation. With a pregnancy there may be some sense of displacement as her attention, which to some degree was centred on you, now has someone else in it that is entirely dependant on her and will be for your current foreseeable.

As a father, some of us don't having the initial connection to your children, some do, until you can interact with it the child themselves they are an abstract stranger that your partner having a stronger connection with can make you feel more alienated.

If you have the chance during the pregnancy, try going to the ultrasound sessions, feel for kicks, try coming up with names, building toys and planning room layouts etc. Making the effort to be actively involved in setting the home up can be a good way to engage both your partner and the baby as people which should help close the sensation of distance.

Once baby comes along, try to have a date night at least every week, get a baby sitter to come over and both of you go out for a meal, even if its just coffee at the local McDonalds for a half hour so you can "be adults" together. It doesn't have to be at a lush hotel, but something that you two can designate as your time together and reconnect.

Setting up something like this early makes it easier to maintain as the child grows and if you decide to stay together and have more kids down the track.

I hope that is helpful.

Regards,

Helarctus

Guest_3256
Community Member

Hi Herefortheforums.

I would say that you are in a real spot of bother right now and I think the best thing you can do is shake the dust off and stop thinking of others to make you feel happy. You already have someone so try your best to focus on them because it hurts if you go down this road and make your Wife feel this way.

You may be feeling guilty because it's not healthy in anyway to be thinking of being with someone else who you are not entitled to be with. Please, for you family and Wife's sake, see a health professional about your "greener grass syndrome."

Make the right decision, there's no excuse for abuse or bad behaviour.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Herefortheforums, I'm sorry but I don't need to say much, but once the baby arrives, your wife will regain the lady you feel in love with and then hopefully you will forget about the person you are attracted to, especially after being married for only two years.

Love and respect for what your wife has to go through needs to be respected and she will require your assistance.

Geoff.

Hi Jsua,

I totally agree with you and with geoff, and i wish someone would say all the above comments to my cheating partner.

Boudica
Community Member

Hello,

Lets just put aside what most people think of being the right thing to do (ie. support your wife who you gave a commitment to and who is carrying your baby, and the baby who's life will be impacted by your decision). You say, '......... all I wanna do is be happy". You see only this shiny new thing that you want, and you think it is the answer to happiness. But I think you are wrong if you think giving in to your attraction to a new lady will make you happy. There is different kinds of happiness. It is likely that it would be exciting for a bit to be buoyed by new love and lust (as it must have been in the early days with your wife), that is a sort of happiness but it is transient. That love may also lose it's shiny newness - what will you do then? - do you want to always be seeking that feeling in constant new relationships - seeking that happy buzz? What toll will it take on you and your self esteem knowing that you have abandoned a person you love at her most vulnerable, and chosen to be a part-time dad or even an absent dad. There are different kinds of happiness and I don't think you can feel satisfaction in life unless you are reconciled to your own actions. Regardless of the impact on others, ultimately you will be your own judge and the decision you make will depend on your values.