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How to deal with sexual rejection

Tonyl
Community Member

Hi guys ,

it’s a touchy subject this one- I have been married for 13 years now. We have our ups and downs as any couple. Our sex life is pretty normal at times.
I’m a very attentive person always try to make my wife feel special and I am the person that has the sex drive as well where hers is not there sometimes.

the question to you all as I am trying to be a good hubby. How do you deal with sexual frustration - rejection. How do you stop you making you partner feel like crap.
it’s this constant battle -she is getting to the age where sex drive decreases.

my wife means the world to me. I try reading the situation and fail sometimes.
it must be my face or something. Makes her feel terrible.

what do you do

6 Replies 6

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Thankyou for finding your courage.

I'd say every persons sex drive is different. In your case her rejecting of your advances sometimes means she hasnt got the tact to let you down gently. That lack of tact can be demoralising.

Usually the female's sex drive increases in older age and the male's decreases. But again we are all different.

In this day and age we should all be treating each other equally in that your wife should imo try to make the odd advance instead of you. Thats in an ideal situation.

Sadly your situation might be where love has drifted. Best to make an appointment with Relationships Australia and get to the bottom of it all.

Good luck.

TonyWK

lost_girl_101
Community Member

Hi Tony,

From a girls perspective, At a certain age yes our sex drive drops but after seeing what damage it can do to a relationship i wish that it was something that didn't happen to me as it drove my partner into a very dark dirty world of online affairs and brothels. My low sex drive was brought on by hormones and depression so maybe your wife is going through something similar and you need to believe its not because of your face or anything else, its just what happens . Just sit down and talk with her and ask her, i wish my partner did that instead of straying.

I agree with lost girl 101.

I have been in that situation and am now about to lose it all as it pushed my husband away and he now says he doesn’t love me ... just as my sex drive returns and now he won’t look at me let alone touch me.

My advice is to be patient and most importantly keep communicating in a positive and supportive way to help her realize how important intimacy in the relationship is to you. If my husband had done that, we’d probably be in a different place as I would have sought help for my hormonal imbalance years earlier! Sometimes we woman don’t want to admit there could be an underlying issue and don’t get the help we need. In my case I got it too late, but sounds like you love her dearly and can work together and get the mojo back!

I'm glad I'm not the only one with issues like this

My partner of 5 years and myself have had significant periods with little to no physical intimacy. At a guess, we have had little to no intimacy for 3-4 years of the time we have been together. Initially we had issues as I was on anti depressants which caused problems in the intimacy department for me. She took that very personally and I was attacked for that.

I went to counselling to overcome this... even though the physical effects of the anti depressants was gone I was traumatised from the verbal abuse I copped before. It made me scared of intimacy.

Now I have mostly overcome this, it's very apparent my partner has a very low sex drive. It make me feel very rejected at times. It something I have to talk about very delicately, she has a temper and can get very defensive and angry if put on the spot.

AuthenticAwareness
Community Member

Hi Tonyl,

Argh us women are so hard to read aren't we! We don't make it easy because we often say one thing and mean another so I think definitely having open discussions with your wife is important.

Stress has a huge impact on sex drive as do major life changes so when you say you have ups and downs perhaps something is happening around the down times where her body is literally telling her that something else is more important to focus on. Some people increase sex during stressful situations and use it as a release but the majority of women fall into the other category where desire decreases.

Have you tried scheduling sex? Often this can help increase libido because it is something to look forward to. For example mums who rarely have time to shave their legs will shave and put on a nice moisturiser to make their skin feel smooth and they might even put on some lingerie to help get themselves excited. It's the anticipation that can help increase desire.

Obviously not every time needs to be scheduled but it's a great regular starting point.

The other piece of advice that I would offer is to have a chat together about the frequency and type of intimacy you want to be sharing regularly. You need to find a balance and it may be that once a week for intercourse suits you both and two nights a week you enjoy some quiet cuddling time or something.

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Tonyl,

I think the most important thing is to not take it personally - easier said than done right! Us woman are wired differently to men, you guys are designed to procreate endlessly and we are designed to find a mate who is a good provider and settle down with 1 to 2 children. Therefore there are huge fundamental differences in biology at play here. For women, we need a lot of things to be going right to feel in the mood. First, our energy levels need to be up. The last thing most of us feel like doing is having sex when we are exhausted, it just becomes another “chore” sad to say. Same goes if we’ve spent the day scrubbing the shower recess and vacuuming the floors, hardly erotic. And finally we need to feel good about ourselves, are we in shape and do we feel happy with our body and desired by our partner?
My advice would be to focus on the non-sexual aspects of your relationship with your wife. Go for walks with her, help out around the house, flirt with her and grab her on the bum as she walks past without the expectation of sex, make her laugh. All of these things will be the most powerful aphrodisiac for her. And maybe take the pressure of her by not asking for sex for awhile. I feel like you will see in an improvement in this area. Now I just need my partner to read this post 😂