Family narratives perpetuate abuse

[Moonbeamer]

When I was a teenager I struggled with depression and anxiety. Home was unsupportive... casual conversations over the years made it clear that my parents did not 'believe' in mental health problems. They described people with these problems as weak.

This was in spite of (or, perhaps because of) the fact my dad has ongoing depressive episodes. I suspect I may have inherited a susceptibility from him.

Home was very verbally abusive. It was a small family because my grandmother had disowned her siblings. Disowned her sister because she turned out to be gay, for instance, but mostly, it was implied that these relatives weren't worth knowing. Now, I suspect it was a way my grandmother could avoid the truth of her behaviour coming out.

I knew I had serious mental health problems as a teenager, but I also knew that I would have to wait until I was old enough to be able to seek medical help on my own.

Eventually my folks found out I had eating disorders. They didn't talk to me for 4 days afterwards.

I was taken to a specialised clinic. I could hardly believe that I was actually getting some help! And it was helping - I was talking to psychologists/psychiatrists for the first time.

After every session, my mum would go in to be briefed by the psych. She would always emerge very angry. Nevertheless, I felt like maybe she would listen to the doctor, even if she never listened to me.

After about half a dozen sessions, my mum came out more angry than usual and complained about the costs. She said 'your brother needs his orthodontics done'. I realised that that was the end of my 'help' - I apologised and told her I was cured!

My family could afford it, by the way.

After that I knew better than ever my place in the family.

Subsequently, over decades, my mental health has been brought up by my parents as the reason they can 'never trust' me, and why they have 'no respect' for me. This has extended to them telling me that no-one can respect me, even my best childhood friends. Their narrative is that I 'did' it to them to punish them because I hate them.

All I remember as a child and young adult, was desperately trying to keep my parents happy because I loved them.

I'm 50 now. That family narrative persists. I've had to struggle with mental health problems alone.

[therising]

Hi Moonbeamer

I think a number of families have what they call their 'black sheep of the family', the member that doesn't quite fit in with the rest. You could say this also makes them the most outstanding member. For example, you can have a family that has an incredibly sensitive family member, whereas the rest of the family could be insensitive to varying degrees. So, when there's a potentially depressing and/or anxiety inducing situation taking place, the most sensitive member may be the only one who can feel the nature of the situation and the rest just won't sense or feel it. 

Some people (around those who are sensitive) like to shut situations down, turn their back on them or harshly criticise, as oppose to gaining a better understanding or feel for things. They may do this so they don't have to feel the challenges that come with those situations. They may be people who don't like to feel too much because it's uncomfortable and confronting. So, they practice insensitivity (not gaining a better sense or feel for things) until they become quite good at it through this practice. Of course, that makes things much harder for those who are left to feel everything alone. 

As a 53yo gal and as someone who's faced the ins and outs of depression since my late teens, I can look back and say there was good reason for every single time I found myself within a depression. Every single thing that led me down into a depression was actually depressing. I had the ability to sense the depressing nature of all of those situations. While sometimes I had people who led me out of those periods, through support and some much needed revelations, a lot of the time I was left to raise myself out of those periods. Research has always been helpful in this area, the area of self raising. Not sure if would be of any interest to you but one topic I've found helpful in researching is 'the abilities of sensitive people'. In some cases, to flip sensitivity from being a fault or flaw to an ability, suddenly leads all the 'normal' people to appear rather insensitive, which can lead to the question 'What led them to become that way?'. Researching the abilities of sensitive people can also offer a lot of reasons for the struggle.

Most of us start off sensitive, as kids. Some have their ability to sense or feel bullied out of them (to the point where they shut down so they can't feel), beaten out of them, belittled out of them ('You need to toughen up and stop being so weak'), guilted out of them ('Why do you have to bring everyone down? You need to stop being so selfish') etc etc etc. And then there are some who never lose their ability to feel so easily and so deeply. There are skills to be learned and mastered when it comes to managing what, at times, can feel like a curse.