Family living in the past with my depression

[gloria10]

Okay, so I'll give a bit of a background. About 15 years ago after a break up I was left shattered and ended up being diagnosed with depression. My family helped me get through the difficult time and I am grateful for their help.

Especially over the last few years my health has greatly improved; my employment situation is better, I'm trying to face my social anxiety issues and I'm managing my depression, not to say that it doesn't show up from time to time.

The thing I'm finding is that my family, mostly my mum, keeps living in the past and any times certain behavious occur she immediately thinks that I'm going to go back to that way and goes really funny on me (like keeping her distance and even getting a bit snappy).

I understand that it would have been a lot for them to deal with, but it hurts that she doesn't try to see how far I've come rather than just my illness; it doesn't define me.

I guess I mainly needed to vent. Does anyone else deal with this sort of thing?

[pipsy]

Hi gloria. I can well relate to the scenario you're mentioning. I tried to end my life some few years ago, my ex in-laws never let me forget. With your mum she's obviously concerned about how well you're coping. She's possibly on 'tenterhooks' waiting for you to 'crash'. With us mums we do tend to worry when our kids have problems we can't solve. I suggest you let her know you're grateful for her concern, tell her if there's any reason to worry, she'll be the first to know. When it's a physical problem, like a broken arm/leg, or you are sick (vomiting), or something visible, it's apparent. When it's emotional, it's harder to help because we can't 'see' how you feel. It's a feeling of helplessness, parents can't heal what they can't see, we have to guess, so we constantly ask. The fear our kids will 'fall' again, how do we stop it. It's going to take a long time, but your mum will start to accept you are okay and if you do need her, you will call her. Unfortunately, you may have to keep reiterating this for quite a while. You could try letting her know your Dr is happy with your progress. If she thinks your Dr is monitoring you, this will help alleviate her concerns. Even if he isn't, tell mum he is. He won't say anything to her, professional ethics will prevent him from saying anything.

Lynda

[Quiettall]

Hi Gloria

I sympathise with you. So many times, family dont seem to learn to encourage you to move forward...they are too busy protecting their own feelings and reflecting on the past rather than moving forward. All I can say is, dont take it to heart. It is exciting the progress you have made. Dont let others drag you down. You have done so well...keep up the good work and prove them wrong. I am so proud of you and encouraged by your story.

Have a wonderful Chrsitmas

[Mrs_Sergeant]

I've really worked on myself over the last 5 or so years & when family made snide remarks about how you're going off" or "having a go" or "yelling" when you're absolutely not, at all, I completely understand that it makes you really upset!

I've worked out that it's definitely their problem/deflection so I try to ignore but it doesn't frustrate you any less.

Just limit the negative interactions & don't get sucked into a disagreement because then it would be "see, I told you!"

[pipsy]

Hi Mrs Sergeant. I couldn't agree more. I left my hubby last year after 25 years of emotional abuse. It took months to get up the courage because I kept 'hearing' his parents berating me. All I could hear was their repeated 'digs' about how right they were about how unstable I was. The least little thing and I was 'running away, again' etc. I have a bf who stood by me through all this and he kept reiterating that I should ignore the negative, abusive comments and listen to where I knew I would be better off. In my heart, I knew I had to care for me, but I had no-one apart from my bf who was 'in my court'. Now I have grown in myself and I feel so much stronger. My ex is now contacting me and telling me he loves me, that's a laugh, he is lonely and that's where I was. I know now he never loved me, my feelings didn't count. My ex and his parents can't hurt me anymore, I have grown and gotten past their abuse. It's taken time - yes, but anything worthwhile is worth fighting for.

Lynda

[gloria10]

Lynda thank you for your advice regarding what its like to be on the other side as a mother, I guess its hard to see that at times. It's just really hard when she gets angry and yells or does the opposite and goes silent (thats the worst).

I think the fact its something they cant see is a problem, like when I have other health issues and they have to take my word there is so much doubt there. I guess I just get fed up having to prove myself. I'm sorry to hear that you've had a hard time Lynda, its not nice that your ex in-laws wont let it go.

Thanks for your advice Quiettall, its nice when people understand the battle.

[pipsy]

Hi Gloria. I tend to go a bit silent with my kids too. I know I overreact and then I have to bite my tongue to stop 'telling them what to do and how to do it'. When your mum goes 'silent' she probably feels she can't say right for saying wrong. Did you ever watch a programme on t.v called 'Mother & Son'. The 'mother' frequently would 'zip' her mouth when Arthur berated her. It's hard when mothers have grown children, we forget they are capable of knowing how they feel and that they will tell us if they have to. Your mum probably wants to 'love' your fears and worries away as she did when you were her 'little girl'. I still instruct my 44 year old son to 'wash behind his ears' when he showers. Luckily for me he just laughs and say 'yes mum'. We treat it as a standing joke.

Lynda