Family issue -divorced and remarried.

[ZESTY]

I immigrated with my ex about 18 years ago to Australia. I've been married to my ex-husband for almost 20 years when we got divorced. He remarried and so did I. I have now been married to my husband for 10 years. My parents live overseas. Recently my mum fell really ill and me and my daughter went back to support her and be near her. We had to nurse my mother back after a severe sickbed. She almost didnt pull through. She wasn't capable to do anything for herself and I did it all. Washing, cooking for them and caring in all possible ways. (Under healthy and normal circumstances they run a busy medical and aestetical practice). She is still not 100% and struggle to regain her former energy and health. 

Problem: My ex husband now decided to take a trip overseas for holidays at the end of the year going to different destinations but in it, also take his wife with to go and visit my mum in our home country. My daughter (26) will also join  them on this trip. My mum is a perfectionist and now apparently offered for them to stay with her and my stepdad. 

My first problem is that as visitors they will be treated as guests. They would not realise the impact and exhaustion this will have on her physically and mentally. They will increase the pressure and workload on my mother as she will do anything to make their stay pleasant. This poses an intense risk on her health, as she suffered from a total kidney failure only 3 months ago. She had a miracle turnaround after almost having septicaemia.  I am worried sick about this but don't know how to approach this with any of them. 

The second issue is a personal one, as I feel it will be extremely disrespectful to me and my husband, as this is my ex and his wife. I don't mind him having contact with my parents, neither him going to the same city to bring them a visit. However, I feel it very inappropriate for them to stay with my parents. How do I handle this situation without creating any ripples on the water? 

[Croix]

Dear Zesty~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Support Forum. Before I start you have my apologies for the length of time it has taken for anyone here to get back to you. Sadly the system we have does not always work as we would wish. Please be assured it is not you, not the subject of you post, just the system gone wrong.

Now reading about your circumstances as someone who does not know all the people involved I'd have to say the mother who you love so much's health is worth a few ripples. If she worked too hard at giving your ex, his partner and your daughter the best stay and had a relapse you might find you regretted not being firm.

May I ask if you have talked this over wiht your husband and if he has any ideas about the  matter?

I would guess it is a question of how to minimize the load on your mother. I'll leave to one side the fact it is disrespectful, after all he may have formed a bond with your mother, or the visit  may be for the sake of you daughter - I'd not know, would you have any idea?

What options do you think you have? Is your mother or stepfather at all approachable on the subject?  Perhaps her doctor might get involved at your request and set out the risks. It would probably have greater effect on anyone than your own voice.

Next of course is your ex, partner and your daughter. Do you think contacting any of them any laying out the facts might be received sensibly?

if all else fails have you and your husband considered providing hired help for the  duration of the visit, taking a lot of the physical burden off you mother?

This  is a very worrying time for you and I'd not like to see you suffer ill effects from dealing with all this so can I ask if you have any support, partner, other family or friends perhaps?  Then again  you might see your GP and explain it all and see what is said.

You may well have thought of all these options already, my apologies if I'm just stating the obvious, however I would like it if you came back and we talked some more

Croix