Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

[Guest_7403]

My wife left me 6 weeks ago because my cptsd was out of control and I wasn't making any efforts to get better.

I went to a private mental hospital for two weeks in an attempt to start my recovery.

Whilst in there she reached out and said maybe she'd like to try, she went back and forth the entire time and basically disrupted my hospital stay, upsetting me daily.

When I got home, she came over from her mums and hugged and kissed me, she did this for three days straight.

I messaged her on day 4 and said I felt really good and thought we had a real shot at this, she replied and told me that the romantic kissing meant nothing and she only did it to make me feel better.

I was upset and very hurt by her actions, as it meant more to me then nothing.

I awoke the next day to a message telling me she loves me but she doesn't want to try, doesn't want to continue and to respect her decision and not contact her.

So i haven't as I just want to heal and move on with my life and accept my marriage is over.

She works at my work and when I return from my work cover itll be hard to see her.

But today I get a knock at the door, and it's the police doing a welfare check on me saying that my wife has called and is concerned for my safety because I haven't messaged her and I haven't responded to my work place.

This is a lie, I spoke to management last week about my health and future plans.

I recieved a msg from my boss saying he's here to talk if I need anything just before the police arrived.

It's upset me, as I have respected her wishes, have done nothing wrong.

And now she's discussing my mental state with my bosses and making me out to be unstable which is untrue.

I just want this nightmare to end and move forward with my love. This just makes going back harder.

[Guest909]

G'day TBL

"Its no wonder why I contemplate taking my l*** daily to escape the pain caused"

Don't give the bit@# the satisfaction. You will get through this, I did.

In the meantime, focus on defending the IVO and thank your lucky stars that this toxic person is now out of your life. She is a lost cause; you have to accept that; I did.

If you have not already done so, I would suggest you start on a property and a parenting agreement as soon as possible. The sooner you remove her hooks, the better off you will be. If something were to happen to you, she is still your wife; her hooks are still in. If it makes you feel any better, she will most likely do the same to her next victim; viz, your friend from work. It is just a matter of time.

On the matter of "narcissist discard", I struggled to comprehend how a sane person could walk away from a 30 year marriage with no regrets and no reason. What I failed to understand was the people with narcissistic traits are not normal. They lack something called "object constancy".

Object constancy basically means having the ability to still have a positive emotional bond with someone when you are also feeling angry, hurt, or disappointed with them. It also means being able to feel emotionally connected to that person when they are not physically around you. You will find more on google if you are interested.

Stay strong my friend!

[Guest_1643]

hey TBL

some people don't have the power to have empathy - you are so right about the damage they cause

they also manipulate to get their needs meet and appear as if they're meeting the needs of the other person - without ever having true empathy or care.
Another interesting concept is "supply" - abusers get supply from others, they seek it and when they're not getting it they'll go elsewhere. quite sad really to use up people instead of forming connections based on anything truthful and real. But that's who they are 😞 It seems there is a pattern with the ex husband. I'm so happy you are out of there. I'm very sad for ur pain.

[Guest_7403]

My legal rep already told me ive got no chance of mounting an actual defence because of my mental illness they always err on the side of caution

She got my daughter on the ivo also, so its pointless seeking parenting plans they won't even look at it.

The ivo came immediately after I told her I wanted joint custody of our daughter, to which she replied ill never let you have access to her...

I told her that's not her decision I have just as many rights to my daughter as you do....days later vicpol served the ivo with the main basis of how scared she was I was going to kidnap my daughter

I still don't understand how you can kidnap your own child. She literally took her with her and denied me all access...yet I recieve an ivo for kidnap because I said I want shared custody and she has no right to withhold her...

Such a rigged system

[quirkywords]

this border line, it all seems so unfair.

Is the caution about mental illness so you dont become ill while mounting a defence?

I think when the spouse is telling lies and manipulating everything and everyone it makes it so hard.

Keep posting . I hope there is one person who can see what your ex is really like.

[Guest_7403]

No, the solicitor said because my darling wife knows the ins and outs of mental illness (ptsd) and that im officially diagnosed she used this in her ivo that she fears for out daughter being kidnapped because I suffer ptsd and have been hospitalised in the past and take strong stimulant meds etc

So the solicitor said it doesnt matter what evidence I have in terms of text messages regarding shared custody comments etc that the judge will err on the side of caution as the system is set up to favour the females that they will grant the ivo based on my illnesses potential to cause issues.

I just dont understand how being diagnosed with ptsd means I am automatically assumed unfit to care for my child. Not even that...im assumed to be a danger because of it...

Yet for two years she was more then happy to leave our daughter in my care, it was only until she decided to leave the marriage to pursue the guy she was messaging on the side that I was no longer mentally fit to care for our child. And yet none of this can be used by me...because God forbid I suffer from trauma caused by my workplace

[Guest909]

Hi TBL

My legal rep already told me ive got no chance of mounting an actual defence because of my mental illness they always err on the side of caution

This does not sound right!

To my knowledge, the bar is set very low for the issue of an IVO/DVO. However, when the matter goes to a contested hearing the bar is much higher. The burden of proof – that is, who is responsible for proving the allegations – is held by the person applying for the order, either Victoria Police or the alleged victim. Your mental health issues are irrelevant unless there is a history of violence. It is beyond my comprehension why a lawyer would say you have no defence.

You don't have to prove anything, your ex (Vic police) has to prove that you are a danger to her and your daughter.

She got my daughter on the ivo also, so its pointless seeking parenting plans they won't even look at it.

You are entitled to a parenting plan - plain and simple. Take this up with the "Men's Legal Service". There fees are scaled to your income.

The ivo came immediately after I told her I wanted joint custody of our daughter, to which she replied ill never let you have access to her...

If this matter goes to a FL court, the judge will look upon your wife's actions in applying for an IVO in a very dim light. The courts do not separate children from there parents unless there is a good reason. Once again, have a talk to the "Men's Legal Service".

Such a rigged system

Don't fight the system, work with it! Use the system to your advantage - this is what your ex is doing.

Stay strong and stand up for your rights.

[quirkywords]

That is so unfair , I thought you could not discriminate against a person because of mental illness. You have worked very hard and held a job and are very responsible.

it is ignorance to think because you have a mental illness you are unwell and a danger. Well known people have spoken about their PTSD and hold responsible jobs.

I know my ex brought up my mental illness in our divorce but that was over 20 years. I hoped things had changed .

[Guest_7403]

Thats just life i guess.

Yesterday was as close as ive come in years to leaving this world. Did my little ritual and all where I clean every inch of the house because im paranoid of whoever finds me see any mess.

Managed to focus enough to make it through the day. One day everything will line up but it wasn't yesterday.

Thanks for all the replies everyone

[Sophie_M]

Hey Theboderline, thanks for dropping in and updating us on your situation. We're very sorry to hear how difficult yesterday was for you. We're happy to hear you were able to find some clarity and focus to make it through the day though. How did you manage these feelings today and how do you feel at the moment? we're all here to support you.     

We've sent through a private email to check-in with you too. 

[Guest_7403]

Im pretty volatile atm, alot of hurt/pain/anger that has been bubbling away under the surface has started to pour out....I guess is the only way I can describe it

Yesterday the coffee table was smashed to pieces, today the bedside lamp and bluray joined in....but this afternoon relative peace and calm has set in....im just watching some shows now.

In terms of reaching out to help lines or going to hospital, I'll never do that again...that cause me more issues and stress, and I have no faith in these services helping me in any way shape or form.

Ive given up on all forms of treatment, im far enough into psych uni and have tried so many different treatments that I am not naive enough to think I will ever change from what ive become.

I believe these services and treatments have great benefits for people suffering mental illness, depression, anxiety etc....but for someone as complex as me this is not a place I come to for help or treatment or interventions.

I come here to get some of my thoughts out and read replies to see whether im being rational or irrational in my thought processes.

I dont believe in interventions from strangers who call vicpol to come and admit you, they do not know you and can cause more damage then good.