Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

[Guest_7403]

My wife left me 6 weeks ago because my cptsd was out of control and I wasn't making any efforts to get better.

I went to a private mental hospital for two weeks in an attempt to start my recovery.

Whilst in there she reached out and said maybe she'd like to try, she went back and forth the entire time and basically disrupted my hospital stay, upsetting me daily.

When I got home, she came over from her mums and hugged and kissed me, she did this for three days straight.

I messaged her on day 4 and said I felt really good and thought we had a real shot at this, she replied and told me that the romantic kissing meant nothing and she only did it to make me feel better.

I was upset and very hurt by her actions, as it meant more to me then nothing.

I awoke the next day to a message telling me she loves me but she doesn't want to try, doesn't want to continue and to respect her decision and not contact her.

So i haven't as I just want to heal and move on with my life and accept my marriage is over.

She works at my work and when I return from my work cover itll be hard to see her.

But today I get a knock at the door, and it's the police doing a welfare check on me saying that my wife has called and is concerned for my safety because I haven't messaged her and I haven't responded to my work place.

This is a lie, I spoke to management last week about my health and future plans.

I recieved a msg from my boss saying he's here to talk if I need anything just before the police arrived.

It's upset me, as I have respected her wishes, have done nothing wrong.

And now she's discussing my mental state with my bosses and making me out to be unstable which is untrue.

I just want this nightmare to end and move forward with my love. This just makes going back harder.

[Guest_7403]

Hi guys, thanks for the advice and thanks to everyone who has followed this thread from the start I appreciate it.


Had a bit of time now to process it all and ive spoken to both my psychologist and psychiatrist about it.

Ive decided not to contest the order and just allow it to be placed on me. As it doesn't affect my work or life plans either way. So as the psychs agree its not worth the stress or mental energy to worry about court when i really don't need too.

If she wants to play these petty games that's her choice.

The only problem is that my daughter is on the IVO and it prevents me from seeing her. But in all honesty I havent seen her since my wife left (about 6 or 7 weeks now).

But I had already chosen not to see her for a while as it would be too hard dealing with her mother atm and ive been focusing on spending as much time with my other two daughters.

My daughter on the ivo is 2 in august and as the psychs pointed out I may miss the next 12 months of her life but at her age its more important I get myself right and she'll be able to spend better time with me in the future. So its not that im giving up on her as my daughter im just focusing on myself so that I can be a better father to her when I'm better.

And tbh trying to coparent with her mother would be an absolute nightmare atm and I dont have the mental strength to do that on a weekly basis.

So long story short ive made this decision for my own health so that in the future I can be the father she will need.

Thoughts anyone?

[quirkywords]

The borderline,

Thanks for the update. I understand your reasons about the IVO and your daughter.

I know she is young and it may be hard to send something to her, so just a thought maybe start a little journal or small book and put some thoughts so when she is older she can see you were thinking of he because her mum may say that you forgot about her but if you have a diary with dates and entries and photos she will know you were thinking of her.

A friend of mine's father did not see her for many years and her mum told her that her father didn't want to. When she was a teenager he gave her the book he had made her and she treasured, he also had every birthday card he had written for her and not sent.

Hopefully it wont be a long time and when she is older she will understand but if someone is telling her negative things about her dad it is so confusing for children.

I think any child would be proud of their dad taking time make himself well in order to be a better father.

I am proud of you and know she will too.

[Guest909]

A lot of what you say makes complete sense. That being said, an uncontested IVO may have some unintended consequence.

1. A breach of the order is a criminal offence - even if the breach was unintentional.
2. An IVO may have a long term affect on a "parenting plan". You may end up paying child maintenance, with no or restricted visitation rights. This is probable why she took the IVO out in the first place.
3. An IVO will prevent you from returning to you place of employment - you said that she works at the same place you do.

In the end, only you know what is best for you! Sometime the "easy way out", is not the "easy way out".

Cheers

[Guest_7403]

I just want to point out the ridiculousness of these ivos and how easy they are to get and how people can manipulate there way to getting them.

She makes two main claims as too why she needs.

1. She claims I told her we have no court orders so im going to pick our daughter up and not let her go back. So she removed our daughter from daycare to another unknown location to me out of fear

This is false and taken out of context.

What really occured was she told me she will not be allowing me access to our daughter as she deems me to be an unfit father.

My response was, that's not your decision to make, we don't have court orders in place and if I want to pick her up from daycare I can just as much as you can

(As you can see how she manipulated the conversation to make herself be a victim)

Also to note, she didn't remove her from daycare until 5 weeks after this message conversation (sounds really concerned yeh?)

And point two;

She claims that i am threatening to ruin her credit rating by not letting her off the loan. Stating I am holding her hostage and causing her mental stress and anxiety

The truth is, we took out a joint loan 12 months for expenses we had coming up, when she left the marriage she told me that those were my expenses solely and shes not responsible.

As I explained to her, we took that joint (both names on loan) loan together as a couple for our future, and leaving the marriage doesn't abscond her from her share of the debt. And I told her I will continue to pay my half and if she chooses to default it then her credit rating will go to crap.

Its not threatening her credit rating or holding her hostage. She was happy to sign up to the loan to benefit us both, she simply no longer wants to pay her share of the loan


My point being both these issues are not threats, they are my legal rights as a father and the legal consequences of not paying your bank loan

These court registrars shouldn't be allowed to grant ivos based off what someone says without them first providing proof that there claims are true.

I believe that a judge would look at this and say the same thing, that this is not grounds for an ivo....but I simply cannot afford it or the mental strain of contesting it

[Guest909]

I agree. IVO's are too easy to get. That leaves them open to abuse by ex's that have other agendas; generally child custody or some form of misguided revenge. In your case I think that child custody was the reason for the order.

Am I correct in thinking that the IVO was issued by the court registrar. If yes, that tells me the police told her to go away. Just an interesting observation that supports what you were saying - there were no grounds.

You can defend and IVO without legal representation - but you need to be up for it emotionally.

I would not back down on the loan repayments - that is a joint debt.

[Guest_7403]

Yeh ill never let her get out of paying her share of a debt, its a joint loan.
And considering the other debts she left me with, the least she can do is pay her share of this one.

It was signed off by the courts this one, it wasn't done for her on behalf of the police

Ive got a few months before the initial court response date so I've got time to think a bit more.


I either won't contest it aslong as it doesn't affect work, or ill ask for an undertaking and agree to that

[Guest909]

I think that is a good idea - you may feel differently a few weeks down the track.

In regard to an "undertaking", your wife may not agree; if that is the case, you are back to "accepting" or "defending" the order. Conversely, if your wife were to accept an "undertaking", she will hold the threat of another IVO over your head indefinitely.

From what you have shared, I expect that the order was all about child custody and removing you from your workplace. Chances are, she will not accept or agree to an "undertaking". That is just my jaded view of reality.

A vexatious wife that thinks she's the victim, is a dangerous person - be careful.

[Guest_7403]

Having a pretty low couple of days, been good for a few.

Body dysmorphia is kicking in hard, most people would look at me and say I am fit, muscular etc

But too me all I see is soft bits here and there and it upsets me.

I have a rental inspection coming up and I am meticulous in presenting the house and gardens immaculately. Ive been out for a couple hours now doing the lawns and bushes.

But I can't get the whipper snipper going (something I've started a million times)

And im losing it, screaming, crying and throwing things

So ive come inside for ten minutes to have a reset and try again

[Guest909]

Some days it doesn't matter what you do; everything you touch just turns to sh**.

On days like that, I go straight to "I give up", and walk away.

[Guest_7403]

Been doing pretty in therapy, uni and my mental health for the last few weeks.

Today's stage 3 lockdowns again have been a bit of a blow, gym is very important to me and my recovery and to lose it is certainly going to hurt.

I have my walks and home weights but its not the same.

Trying not to let it get to me, so many people in this situation, but man it sucks...these are the sorts of things I dont need.

Im supposed to be starting my trauma program on the 17th of July but they said it will be cancelled if the covid restrictions return....so that's gone for me now too. I was really looking forward to it