Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

[Guest_7403]

My wife left me 6 weeks ago because my cptsd was out of control and I wasn't making any efforts to get better.

I went to a private mental hospital for two weeks in an attempt to start my recovery.

Whilst in there she reached out and said maybe she'd like to try, she went back and forth the entire time and basically disrupted my hospital stay, upsetting me daily.

When I got home, she came over from her mums and hugged and kissed me, she did this for three days straight.

I messaged her on day 4 and said I felt really good and thought we had a real shot at this, she replied and told me that the romantic kissing meant nothing and she only did it to make me feel better.

I was upset and very hurt by her actions, as it meant more to me then nothing.

I awoke the next day to a message telling me she loves me but she doesn't want to try, doesn't want to continue and to respect her decision and not contact her.

So i haven't as I just want to heal and move on with my life and accept my marriage is over.

She works at my work and when I return from my work cover itll be hard to see her.

But today I get a knock at the door, and it's the police doing a welfare check on me saying that my wife has called and is concerned for my safety because I haven't messaged her and I haven't responded to my work place.

This is a lie, I spoke to management last week about my health and future plans.

I recieved a msg from my boss saying he's here to talk if I need anything just before the police arrived.

It's upset me, as I have respected her wishes, have done nothing wrong.

And now she's discussing my mental state with my bosses and making me out to be unstable which is untrue.

I just want this nightmare to end and move forward with my love. This just makes going back harder.

[quirkywords]

borderline

thanks for your detailed explanation,

Sometimes I can’t find the word I am looking for so I choose one that may not suit. I appreciate you giving more background about your ex wife. I am pleased you have a noticed an improvement in your health.

[Guest_7403]

I've have these feelings of clarity and positivity every now and then.

But the last 5 days have been the best I've felt for a long time. Energies up, mental stress is down

Just feel like I'm getting stronger, it's nice to have some relief from my illness.

I know I'll fall back a bit but it's a good start to my treatment

[Guest_7403]

So I came home from my walk this afternoon and there was a note from vicpol to please contact them

So I went down and they said it's to serve me an IVO, but the paperwork wasn't there and I have to come back tomorrow morning to get it.

I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it, as I don't talk to anyone else it can only be my wife.

I just don't understand why she's doing this to me? I haven't done anything wrong, I haven't harassed/threatened or sent her nasty messages.

In the last 6 weeks I've sent her a couple of texts and emails asking if she wants to talk about the marriage and try and fix it. (They were all very sweet in nature)

She told me 2 weeks ago there was no chance of us reconciling. I have not messaged her since

As my posts earlier state I found out she was messaging another guy and felt cheated on. I did not confront her or him on this

I messaged a couple of work mates 2 weeks or so ago when I found out, said she was deceitful and that I felt she was dishonest with me and a cheater. But nothing at all threatening or insinuating to be threatening

Surely if one of these 3 mates have told her I know she sees seeing someone
, she can't get an IVO based on that? I'm entitled to my own opinion about how I feel


My only assumption is because her and this new guy work at my place of employment she has deliberately done this to prevent me from returning to that site after my ptsd training is complete?


I completely agree with the use of Ivos to protect people from violence and abuse, but this is categorically not the case for me and I have done nothing wrong other then vent my feelings of how I felt knowing my wife was seeing another man

I've just had the best 7 days I've had in a long time, I'd put her behind me and now this happens....its mind boggling to me I'm so upset that this has happened to me

[Tommys]

Having being through this myself, I would like to congratulate you on posting onto the forum. Believe me this is a light on the other side but it took me a while to realize this. If you can find an activity, exercise or something you enjoy (that is key). Good luck and please chat whenever you like.

[Guest909]

If it helps, my wife did the same thing to me.

After we separated, multiple threats of an AVO started coming in from her lawyer. In total, I think I've received three written threats, and one verbal threat. They all amounted to nought, simple because there were no grounds. I think the NSW police told her to go away.

When I started to get the threats, I was relieved; I was relieved because at that point I knew that I was not responsibe for the breakup. I also saw my wife for what she really was - a nasty ….

If I can make one suggestion, use the IVO to help you focus on the issues. Turn your efforts to defending against the order. Some direction and purpose might help with the healing process. It will certainly take your mind off the separation.

[Guest_7403]

That's what I'm doing, contesting it and I'll use it as motivation.

But I was just starting to get my life going, treatment, uni, health etc

And to have not done anything wrong to justify this its a completely sickening thing to feel


Hears my view; shes been pursuing this guy from our work, she's now found out that I know this and she's made a selfish decision to protect herself by removing me from the area.

It's such a narcisstic thing to do. When they're reputation is threatened by the truth they attack you and that's exactly what this is.

She can't happily date her new boyfriend if I'm there

[quirkywords]

Borderline

It is awful when people use AVO/IVO for personal reasons to make life hard for their ex.

There are people who may deserve and AVO but when people use AVO as a means to getting back at someone.

It makes it hard for people who really need an AVO for safety.

I am so sorry that you are doing all the right things yet are treated like this.

When people use an AVO like your ex wife has, it shows more about their behaviour and their way of thinking.

You will get through this. and people will see what she is doing.

[Guest909]

I don't know why some women abuse the system that was designed to protect them. I suppose it come down to power and misguided judgement on their part.

To my knowledge, an IVO is relatively easy to get; simply because the police cannot take the risk of ignoring a genuine claim. That being said, your wife now has to justify why and IVO was needed in the first place. In court, the burden of proof will be on her not you.

I know it's a shock to the system, but try not to get involved in the drama. You now know who she really is. Use that knowledge to your advantage.

In the meantime, abide by the conditions of the IVO and get yourself a lawyer that specialises in IVO's. If the IVO impacts on your employment your lawyer may be able to bring the first mention (court date) forward.

Please do not retaliate - that will only make matters worse. You will have your day in court.

Cheers

[Guest_7403]

She left me with so much debt and I can barely afford my rent or medications.

There's no money for a lawyer and I'm not eligible for legal aid.

I have no options

[Guest909]

She really did a job on you. Unfortunately, she will probably come after you for the rest when her lawyers get involved.

If you have not already done so, I would sever all ties with her; particularly financial ties like joint bank accounts, credit cards etc. If she has debt in her name, then it is her debt, not yours.

In regard to the IVO, do not retaliate and do not breach the order. Be on your best behaviour and document everything. If she contacts you, report the breach to the police. Do not get involved in the drama, just gather the evidence (facts) you need to defend against the order. I don't think I am telling you anything that you don't already know.

If you can't afford a lawyer, you can represent yourself in court. Remember, the burden of proof is on her, you don't have to prove your innocence. That being said, some legal advice would be good.

Have you looked into getting some advice/help from the following services - there may be others.

• Relationships Australia or
• MensLine Australia or
• Mens Rights Agency or
• Mens Legal Service

Cheers