Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

[Guest_7403]

My wife left me 6 weeks ago because my cptsd was out of control and I wasn't making any efforts to get better.

I went to a private mental hospital for two weeks in an attempt to start my recovery.

Whilst in there she reached out and said maybe she'd like to try, she went back and forth the entire time and basically disrupted my hospital stay, upsetting me daily.

When I got home, she came over from her mums and hugged and kissed me, she did this for three days straight.

I messaged her on day 4 and said I felt really good and thought we had a real shot at this, she replied and told me that the romantic kissing meant nothing and she only did it to make me feel better.

I was upset and very hurt by her actions, as it meant more to me then nothing.

I awoke the next day to a message telling me she loves me but she doesn't want to try, doesn't want to continue and to respect her decision and not contact her.

So i haven't as I just want to heal and move on with my life and accept my marriage is over.

She works at my work and when I return from my work cover itll be hard to see her.

But today I get a knock at the door, and it's the police doing a welfare check on me saying that my wife has called and is concerned for my safety because I haven't messaged her and I haven't responded to my work place.

This is a lie, I spoke to management last week about my health and future plans.

I recieved a msg from my boss saying he's here to talk if I need anything just before the police arrived.

It's upset me, as I have respected her wishes, have done nothing wrong.

And now she's discussing my mental state with my bosses and making me out to be unstable which is untrue.

I just want this nightmare to end and move forward with my love. This just makes going back harder.

[Guest909]

Hi TBL

A lot of what you have said resinates with my own personal experience. I was asking the same questions. I also felt betrayed, used and worthless.

At first I though I was to blame for the relationship breakdown; that is what I was told. It took me a while to figure out that I was not the problem; there were other issues in play.

My wife and I are currently going through an expensive divorce. With each passing day I've come to realise just how toxic my wife really was; something that I was blind to in our long marriage.

I found this citation (below) from your last post of particular interest; it sums up my personal experience word for word.

The way in which she left me, so cold and callous, no interest in trying to save her marriage or work with me on issues just seemed so out of character and I've been struggling to comprehend how and why she left so suddenly and with such finality.

[Guest_3256]

Hey.

It sounds like your Wife is being manipulative and controlling your situation.

[Guest_7403]

It's hard enough trying to find the strength, energy and positivity required to heal from PTSD but to have to do it with your wife leaving you at the same time is near impossible, I just can't focus on any treatments and being positive about the future with all the hurt and sadness I currently feel.

I told my psychiatrist where to go today, I just can't deal with all these positive pep talks everyone keeps giving me

Life isn't good, there is no light in the distance for me and I'm tired of trying to fix myself

[Sophie_M]

Hi Theborderline,

We can hear how exhausted and frustrated you must be feeling right now. But please know that our community is here to support you and help you through this. We are also currently getting in touch with you through email. Please don't forget that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors at Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). 
We're all here for you.
 

[Guest909]

Don't give up. If you do, she wins! Don't give her the satisfaction.

[quirkywords]

Borderline

agree life can be so unfair and annoying. I have had a bad year and I know it is hard when people ask you to be positive.

People care for you and we know how hard yo have been trying and to have this happen with your wife is so very unfair.

If you can reach out , or keep posting here. if writing down your feels helps in any small way.

When I lost my hone and shop in the bushfires I was so angry at first. Each day can be a struggle but I don't want the fires to win.

It is terrible what has happened but there are many people who care for you.

[Guest_3256]

Hey Buddy.

I just want to say that you are stronger than you realise and nothing can stop you from doing what you need to do better yourself as a person. Many of us have been through these difficulties and although tough as it is find it in your heart to tell yourself everyday that you are a great person and give yourself the self-compassion that you deserve and need. Lift ya chin up, get the support you need, start doing things you enjoy and never have been able to do. Maybe after all this, your Wife will see a new version of you, a happy version and someone who she needs to be with for the rest of her life. Push through the vicious cycle that she has put you through because you owe it to yourself to be the person you are.

Please let us know how you are going, we are all her for support.

[Guest_7403]

Hey mate thanks for the encouraging words I appreciate it.

My diet and exercise are going well, I'm happy with my progress.

I've cut everyone out of my life, I've stopped reaching out to friends, family and my other ex and tbh the last few days since I've done that have been my most positive in the last 3 weeks....i don't know what that means really? But I feel alot better and I'm happy being a bit of a hermit right now

In regards to getting better, I'm doing it for myself now and to make myself happy.

I've come to the conclusion as much as I do miss my wife, I don't need her, she wasn't here for me when I needed her most, she left me instead of helping me fight this illness.

Ultimately she doesn't deserve the best version of myself I'm striving to achieve, and after the way she left and her questionable actions and coldness....she doesn't have the qualities that I want in a life partner.

Even if she did want to come back, I don't think I could ever trust her to be by my side through thick and thin.

I think I'd like to work on myself and then look to find someone who has the qualities I want in a partner

[quirkywords]

The borderline

You seem to have an insight into what you need and have a plan. Well done for working that out for yourself.

f being a hermit helps you and works for you that is good. You know there are people you can reach out for if you need.

It sounds like you feel disappointed in your wife and being let down when you really need someone is upsetting.

You have worked out you can miss someone without needing them.

You have a plan for the future. We are here and you are not alone.

[Guest_7403]

I dont know if dissapointed in her is how I would classify my feelings for her.

Did i let my illness completely take over? Yes.

Did i say horrible things to her when I was having an outburst? Yes

But in the last 6 months she never once sat me down, or approached me or tried to speak to me about how she was feeling, the issues she was having or that she was considering leaving.

We had an argument, she packed and left, days later she was off the house lease, sold our family car, packed her stuff into a storage cube all within a week.

To me it was premeditated, calculated and cold.

She just turned 30 in April and this is the second marriage she has walked out on and in a similar manner.

She told me her ex was abusive and she wanted a better happier life for herself

But the way she left him was also abrupt, cold, financially ruined and she took no blame for there issues. She told me she had lots of issues with his family, sisters and friends that they were mean to her etc

But I see now, that's exactly what she did to my friends and family....she caused alot of issues and wreaked havoc while playing victim in it all....when thats not the case

I think I fell victim to a narcissist who has an idealic life in her head that can't be met, because she herself breaks you down.

I have only been with her 3 years (had PTSD 5 years) and when she left me i was so bad I was crippled, couldn't get out of bed, felt like death was my only option. My PTSD was completely out of control by the end of our marriage.

But now 5 weeks on without hearing from or seeing her, the PTSD symptoms are subsiding, the drive to get better is back and I'm thinking to myself I might make it life

So no dissapointed isn't the word, dissapointed in myself for falling for her and allowing her to rush me into marriage and a child maybe.

She's a very pretty woman, incredible body and has that instant connection with everyone she meets.

But under the surface she's something else