Everything at once

[Guest_598]

Hi All,

four weeks ago, my partner ended our relationship because he has not yet worked through the breakdown of his marriage, along with the grief and anger. He did not want to make promises he may not be able to keep and is completely lost. He struggles with every decision, will need to talk more to his ex wife to move forward and does not know where he will end up. I feel very sad and disappointed because I have loved him very much after the year we had together. But I went away for a few weeks and the distance helped with the worst heartbreak. Now I am trying to move forward and on, sometimes positive and sometimes pulled back into false hope that he may, one day, move on and out, finally ready to fully commit. But I know it is false hope, and so I will have to focus on rebuilding a new life of my own. It is difficult and painful at times, especially since we have to work together and although I am trying to build distance, he reaches out to me. It appears like he wants his cake and eat it, too while he is wading through his own confusion. But his progress is incredibly slow and I cannot deal with the hot and cold. He ended the relationship to move forward, so he will need to live with his decision. While I am trying to stay strong and distant, at the same time, every day I am hoping that he may miss me. When he messages me, I feel good because I know he cares about me, and bad because I know I cannot have him. I told him that at the moment, I either want everything or nothing because he has been pulling me along for too long. Not maliciously but due to his incredible indecisiveness and emotional immaturity.

On top of this, while I was away visiting my parents, they said some horribly nasty things about me on my last night before I flew out. They did not think I would hear them but I did. I realise that they did so because they had a bit too much to drink and were disappointed that their expectations of the time with me were not met but all I wanted was a shoulder to lean on after the breakup. So of course I was not the greatest company. I confronted them about their words and they felt terribly apologetic. Since then, they feel very guilty and although I made them comfortable being nice, so they don't have the feelings of regret, but I feel extremely hurt, alone and like everything in my life is falling apart right now. I have just (gladly) finalised my divorce and my ex is dissatisfied because I did. What else? How can I progress and get better?

[monkey_magic]

Hi AussieGal81,

Im sure the ex wife has had years worth of chances. If she was an abusive alcoholic she would have let him down countless times.

I don't understand that if he really is this caring guy that doesn't want to hurt anybody why he is hurting you so badly. I think you're getting the raw end of the deal because he broke things off with you but is still seeing and going to psychology with the her. Also he still wants to help out this ex because she can't support herself.

To move on with you he should be making a clear break with her. And if she treated him badly wouldnt you want to? I don't understand why he still feels obligated to her.

I honestly think he needs to grow a set.

[Guest_598]

Hi monkey_magic,

thanks, that were quite harsh words but you are right. He has been dragging this out forever and this week, it has been quite clear that he is in love with me. Nonetheless, he tells himself he can't go because he doesn't want to hurt anyone (which means he hurts all three of us).

I reflected on everything this week and yesterday, I wrote him that I have made a plan for myself. While we are not together right now, we both shared very openly that we have a lot of hope to be together eventually. But it is in his hands and I see very little progress there. So I wrote (a really nice but determined email) telling him that I will re-evaluate the progress at certain points over the next month. That is because he will see his wife this weekend for two days of talking and then mid-November for another two days, including a longer session with a psych to break down the walls he builds up against her that then make the talking pretty difficult. I told him that after the second re-evaluation in November, if I do not see any positive progress for us, I will likely have to let go of that hope. I also told him that, in that case, that would mean a complete cut. No more personal interactions, conversations, happy times, contact. I did not make it sound like an ultimatum because I think those are dumb. But I told him that I wanted to be completely honest and transparent with him and that it would make me very sad not to have him in my life anymore but that I need to be realistic about my hope and the need to move on completely. I told him that, for now, I am still very much hopeful that we can be together but that this may not be achievable based on what happens in and with his life.

Do you think that was a good idea? It felt right. I don't like saying such things to him because I would love nothing more that to have a new beginning with him (and I told him that) but I needed him to know that my hope is not endless. He can do with this whatever he wants, I just needed to say it. Of course, I'm hoping it will make him think but I didn't send it to him to push him into a decision. It is more that I want him to be aware that I will be making choices soon that will mean we are no longer part of each others' lives. Unless something changes on his end and he makes necessary decisions. Do you think I did the right thing? I don't want to question myself because I think it was right but I am starting to worry about how he will receive it. But he is SO indecisive.

[monkey_magic]

Hi AussieGal81,

I think you've answered your own qtn there. I think it was a good decision because he knows how you feel at length and you're also not holding on forever. Which means he has to make a decision one way or the other. If he lost you I think he'd really miss out. You've been so open, patient, giving and understanding with him.

MM

[Guest_598]

Thank you so much, MM. I know I am flogging a dead horse with this conversation but I often feel so lost that I need to talk to someone (other than the psychologist I see from time to time). I had the most horrible weekend, purely out of anxiety. He, of course, created all that hope in me again last week but then, obviously, his wife was here to discuss what went wrong. In my head, the spiral constantly went downhill to whether they are rekindling the fire, what they might be doing etc. And then I beat myself up for thinking about it at all because I should probably just stop hoping and let go.

So yesterday, when I saw him again, I was pretty direct and I told him he cannot push and pull me anymore. He had told me before I started talking that it was a weird weekend but that he could finally sit with her and a psych, during whose session he unleashed all his bottled up anger and sadness. It was good for him but he says he needs the next session in three weeks, too. He was pretty clear now that there is no love, no attraction, no interest in going back and no more trust for her. So that was positive. But my question remains why he cannot finally decide to be with me because it is very obvious he doesn't want me out of his life. He even thought of me all weekend and compared her to me, noticing that I would not do the things she would (which is a good thing). So what the hell is going on with him that he simply can't move forward?! I told him that I need him to decide soon and that I stick to my re-evaluation point after his next session. If he is still not in the know, I will decide to let go of all hope and him and I will make a clear cut.

I doubt he will be ready, although he feels the pressure a lot because she needs to know, too. I believe the more pressure he feels, the more incapable he becomes of thinking clearly. He says he is struggling to let the many years or marriage go although he knows he doesn't want to go back to what it has become. So he is stuck and I don't get it. I told him again today that he needs to get a move on, but I feel bad now because I feel I am pressuring him too much and so he might just cut me away because men don't like pressure. But then again, at least that would be a decision. And most of all, I really want to start letting go now because I can be quite sure how things will go in three weeks time. He will still be to-ing and fro-ing. But how do I consciously let go of hope, especially since I see him so much at work?

[monkey_magic]

Hi AussieGal81,

Beating yourself up won't help so please don't do that.

I actually liked that u put a bit of pressure on him. I think he knows how you feel about him and all this pushing and pulling is really unfair on you on his behalf.

I would probably feel the same way you do knowing they are having these sessions together. It would be different if he was doing it on his own for himself but perhaps this is his way to gain closure on the past.

It sounds like he is trying to tie those loose ends with her.

He's not making any direct decisions about being with you which would be disappointing.

It sounds like a waiting game.

Seeing him at work would be frustrating. Just play it cool and let things happen naturally. If it is meant to be it will be. I've always believed that. If it is in both your hearts you will make it work. Perhaps he just needs to finalize those past ties through the therapy sessions. Is he communicating any of this with you?

Take it day by day with him and see what happens. Or if u want to close the chapter do that. What is your gut telling you?

I've personally backed off from the guy I was close to at work that was persuing me because he still lives with his ex ( still technically married but nothing physical, no feelings) because he's indecisive and still hasn't moved out. I can't see how we'd make it work with her in the background. I'm not going to stress myself. So, i havent been replying to the love songs he's been sending. It's complicated when they'res baggage. I'd prefer to be with someone I can have a clean slate with. In saying that if we r really meant to be we will be. Just being distant in his life for now. Still think about him though.