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End of Undefined Relationship

Community Member

The guy I have been seeing for 1 and half year just ended whatever we were 2 days ago because he said he can't cope with the unhappiness we both have and yet he still want to celebrate my birthday with me today. I know I am the person to blame for this to happen as I have been unhappy he is still in touch closely with his ex and had brought up this issue quite often lately. He has assured me that there's nothing happening between them but yet he doesn't want to have define our relationship partly because she will be hurt.

He said he still want to be friend with me because he cares of me, but at this moment I really can't maintain as friends knowing my feeling on him is still so strong. However I did agree for tonight's dinner as this might be the last time I see him. Also, tbh I am still hoping maybe he will change his mind after that, which I truly know it is impossible.

I have been thinking if to accept maintain our friendship as I also care of him very much and I hope I can continue support him but I know if we continue in touch it will be very hard for me to move on.

I feel very sad that I can't even say we have "break up" as we never have a proper (defined) relationship.

10 Replies 10

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi lizziebunny

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. I have also experienced an undefined relationship in the past and it led to a lot of confusion and heartache. It sounds like on the one hand you want to maintain your friendship with him because you don't want to lose him but on the other hand there are a lot of feelings involved and it could be painful to continue as friends.

May I ask if you have spoken to him about how you have been feeling? Is there anyone around you who you can speak to for extra support?

We're definitely on the forums for you though! Here for you!

Hi missep123,

Thank you for your reply, we spoke about my feelings last night after my birthday dinner. He said he can understand if I don't want to continue as friends and perhaps in future when I feel it is okay to be friends again. But tbh at this moment I am still hoping to remain as friends might still have opportunity for us to get back together, which I know it's truly impossible. I haven't sleep much past few nights, have been awake every single hour hoping I can travel back to Thursday night before I made that mistake, asking him if he is chatting with someone else (I mean his ex) when he told me he is tired and have to sleep.

It is basically my fault and pushed him away. He did say that the feeling has changed since I started to make noise on his ex.

I don't have many friends here and family is in overseas. I have look up the relationship counselling which I have emailed to seek for more information. I am hoping I will know better what to do after this.

Once again, thank you.

Good morning lizziebunny.

I imagine that you must be feeling very upset and please try not to feel bad for yourself about this situation because it's defiantly not you, it's him. For your partner to still have feelings for his ex after being with you for about 1.5 years must be tremendously hurtful and overwhelming for you to experience. It also must be very confusing to you finding out about his reluctant behaviour. Also, as his partner, you have every right to question his loyalty in regards to chatting with his ex or other women in general. May I ask if he has explained to you why he has been chatting with his ex and why he didn't speak to you about your relationship before he decided to pull the plug?

Hi lizziebunny,

How have things been since you last posted?

You mentioned not having a lot of friends where you are, could this be contributing to you wanting to stay friends with this person? I can relate, once you foster a connection and develop a relationship it can be so lonely when you have to let them go from your life!

I'm here for you!

Hi missep123,

Thank you for your checking in. I attended the relationship counsellor on Wednesday and she suggested me to cut contact with him at least a month. I will go back to see her next Wednesday and we will work though a theraphy for my insecurity.

You probably right that I want to stay friends with him as I don't have many friends here and also he understands me well. My counsellor suggested to sign up Bumble BFF to get some friends who share same interests and I started doing so yesterday. Also I've signed up Meetup for Book Clubs which I hope I can join them soon although I might still feel shy and akward to sit in.

Once again, thank you very much for your message. Hope you have a pleasant weekend.

Hi Jsua,

Thank you for your message and sorry for late reply as I have been trying to stay away from all digital media over past few days. I feel much better now.

As we are not officially in the relationship, technically he still can date or seeing others. It's been complicated and unpleasant conversation when I started to bring up this "label" issue, and that's how led to our current situation. He is not ready or perhaps won't even consider to go for defined relationship as work stress and past relationship has been baggage for him. I would say it was my fault that I should have walk away when the first conversation started one year ago but I stayed and hoping he might change his mind when realizes I am worth for him to move on to new relationship.

As for his ex, he told me that he only care of her because she was not in good mental position when they broke up 3 (or 4) years ago. Also he feels guilty for separating her with her cat. TBH I think she said she miss the cat a lot to visit his place and the cat is just an excuse. I believe him doesn't have any intimacy feeling with his ex anymore but it is still tough for me to know their constantly in touch. Apparently he sees her less since I confronted him on this but he can't stop her when she asked him for help or sending her the cat photos.

Anyway we have made muture agreement not in touch for a month so I won't know if he will see her during this period and perhaps by then it really doesn't matter to me anymore.

Once again, thank you for your support.

I think it's really amazing how proactive you have been!

Seeing the relationship counsellor seems to have been a great idea!

I definitely agree, Bumble BFF is a great option for people to make friends! The Bookclub sounds really fun too. Please keep us updated on how you go!

Thank you missep123. I definitely will keep you posted the progress. Hope it will be positive one.

Hi missep123, just want to let you know that I am feeling much better now. I don't feel upset with the break up now. The therapy really helps and she reminds me to be self-loved and I am worthy for someone better although I think it will take times for me to get my attachment style changes to secure. I don't want to repeat the same situation again.
Thank you for your support! : )