End of a relationship, self-care tips?

[jemma09]

I ended my long-term relationship recently. It was something I took a lot of time to think through and to decide. This is the first relationship I have ended where the person is someone I have cared a lot about and loved. 

They were very upset, which is understandable. I tried to be there with them and listen. However, they became disrespectful and began to send me nasty messages and call me names. I asked them to stop, they wouldn't. They had said it should be expected that I must accept it from them. I started feeling heated as I did not like being spoken to in that manner. So I put a boundary in place that I needed to step away and would give them time to process and connect with them again the next day. I did that. They were very annoyed and stated I left them to fend for themselves. They feel I am in the wrong. I tried to remind them of my boundaries and explained that - I am getting better at that. I am glad I could stand up for myself. It is not easy though. They did reach out to some friends for support, which I am glad about and it is good practice for them to do that.

I did upset me when they called me names, I know they were upset but I did not expect this and it was disappointing. We are still in contact a little and texted today - it was very draining for me. They were more respectful, however, we have very different viewpoints of the situation. They want to talk on the phone once more as closure. The plan is this will be neutral and give us both a chance to farewell and then cease contact. I agree with that plan. I want to completely move forward and for it all to be finished. I am very tired. 

I wanted to post here as a way to express myself and to ensure I am not causing friend burn out. As since I am in a 'moving on' process, I am trying to be careful not to push my emotions onto others. I have told my friends that also. I have decided to buy a new journal to express myself. 

My reason for writing is to seek advice for self-care. Do you have any tips for self-care and regulating emotions during this time?

I am trying to practice acceptance of the situation and acceptance that the other person is upset, and try not to take their responses to heart too much. 

I do have a therapist, however my next appointment is not for another week or so. 

I do know I made the right choice for myself and my wellbeing, however, it was still not an easy choice by any means. I want to try my best to move forward. 

Thank you for reading. 

[jemma09]

Hello there Ash-H,

I do apologise for me late reply to you. I did read it back in August and really took some time to think about what you said as it was quite impactful to me in a meaningful way. So thank you for your patience.  Your message greatly impacted my healing in a positive way at the time. I am doing good now so I wanted to take the time to reply now I have more sense of things. 

It must have been quite eerie to read my post especially going through that yourself with your ex-wife. I empathise with your struggles. It sounds like you have done a lot of self-learning about yourself and your experience, so I want to take a chance to commend that. As not everyone is able to become self-aware and gain emotional intelligence after that fact as you have displayed here. I am proud of you too! 

I actually wouldn't classify where you say "people like you" as there is automatically a difference now because of your developed EQ!  Everyone has the opportunity to grow like this, I hope my ex has the chance to do that too. 

This is true, the behaviour exhibited by him was all in reflection of his own self-esteem, struggles and issues. And I am able to see that clearly now.

I wish you all the best in the future!!

Jemma

[jemma09]

Hi all, I want to add a final update in the hopes that it can help someone else in the situation in the future. 🤗

After taking space from my ex a while back, I was able to decide my preference - I chose no contact and my therapist has advised me that I am doing so well that I don't need to see them anymore. This was lovely news. The happiness and freedom I feel is great, my confidence has grown and I am enjoying life. Taking space to collect your thoughts can be very helpful. 

I am grateful for all you of that replied and sat with me during this time 3 months ago. And encouraging me to keep with my choices and boundaries. This avenue was one of the main things that really helped me get through. Thank you very much.

Whoever is reading this, if you are going through something similar - just know you will get through it. There is some excellent excellent advice written here by members of this community. Practice your self-care, continue with your everyday health, spending time with family/friends, allow yourself to grieve and take your time, journal if you need to. Stick with your boundaries - do not allow others to tell you what to do. Keep safe. 💜 

[white knight]

Wonderful and so happy you replied after this process. Thankyou

TonyWK

[Bob_22]

Thank you so much Jemma09! 🙂

Bob 💙