End of a relationship, self-care tips?

[jemma09]

I ended my long-term relationship recently. It was something I took a lot of time to think through and to decide. This is the first relationship I have ended where the person is someone I have cared a lot about and loved. 

They were very upset, which is understandable. I tried to be there with them and listen. However, they became disrespectful and began to send me nasty messages and call me names. I asked them to stop, they wouldn't. They had said it should be expected that I must accept it from them. I started feeling heated as I did not like being spoken to in that manner. So I put a boundary in place that I needed to step away and would give them time to process and connect with them again the next day. I did that. They were very annoyed and stated I left them to fend for themselves. They feel I am in the wrong. I tried to remind them of my boundaries and explained that - I am getting better at that. I am glad I could stand up for myself. It is not easy though. They did reach out to some friends for support, which I am glad about and it is good practice for them to do that.

I did upset me when they called me names, I know they were upset but I did not expect this and it was disappointing. We are still in contact a little and texted today - it was very draining for me. They were more respectful, however, we have very different viewpoints of the situation. They want to talk on the phone once more as closure. The plan is this will be neutral and give us both a chance to farewell and then cease contact. I agree with that plan. I want to completely move forward and for it all to be finished. I am very tired. 

I wanted to post here as a way to express myself and to ensure I am not causing friend burn out. As since I am in a 'moving on' process, I am trying to be careful not to push my emotions onto others. I have told my friends that also. I have decided to buy a new journal to express myself. 

My reason for writing is to seek advice for self-care. Do you have any tips for self-care and regulating emotions during this time?

I am trying to practice acceptance of the situation and acceptance that the other person is upset, and try not to take their responses to heart too much. 

I do have a therapist, however my next appointment is not for another week or so. 

I do know I made the right choice for myself and my wellbeing, however, it was still not an easy choice by any means. I want to try my best to move forward. 

Thank you for reading. 

[white knight]

Excellent. The only comment I could add to that is friendships with a ex is usually possible with a long break first. It's just too raw to try. Also sometimes one party will begin dating someone and that makes the friendship more palatable. 

I'm really please you've proceeded through the wringer of the first period and came up more stronger than you were.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/do-we-expect-a-smooth-road-in-life/td-p/127389

TonyWK

[Bob_22]

Hi jemma09,

Many thanks for the updates. I'm sorry to hear that the conversation you had over the phone was quite stressful and harrowing for you. I am glad however that you set that boundary and have some more clarity on the situation. You sound like such a caring and empathic person. You also sound like you have great insight. I hope you have been able to lean on your friends a little more also. 

Let us know how you go with your therapist. I also hope the metallic paint artwork is going good!

Bob

[jemma09]

Hi Bob,

I just want to say thank you so much for this. It made me quite emotional to read your message here and the kind things you said in describing me. It really meant a lot to me and was impactful. Especially after being told the opposite recently, as that was heart breaking. So again, thank you - your message was much needed. 

One of my friends have been struggling the last few days, so I am trying not to put too much on them at the moment. I do feel alone sometimes, but I'm trying to push through as much as I can. 

I am counting down to my therapist appointment, I definitely need it - I hope I can feel some relief after going. And thank you for the reminder to paint, I haven't done that yet. 

Thanks again for your kind words, 

Jemma

[white knight]

Hi Jemma,

I'd like to talk about loss of confidence. During my 11 years (2 kids) of marriage to my 1st wife, the silence used as a weapon seriously damaged my confidence. I wasnt as strong mentally as her and eventually I had to leave.

I moved into a caravan park and had a small mirror. Every day I'd stare in that mirror as a ritual and out loud (not too loud lol) I'd say "you are a good man Tony, you deserve love and kindness, chin up....". After about 6 months maybe less my confidence grew remarkably. Other things that helped it was the purchase of a block of land (a direction), the subsiding of my grief of losing my full time fatherhood, my dog, neighbours and town. In fact there was also a remarkable event that told me "I'd made it".

See after our divorce I built my own home and it was a huge challenge while I worked shift work. Once in the house my kids came over for their first weekend for 12 months. The girls had a new bedroom, fairy doonas and curtain overlooking a fairy garden I'd built them. When they returned to mu they told her all about it. Two weeks later I received a letter from child support to which my ex said "he has a new house and mine is 100 years old, I deserve more child support". I was shocked.

So I replied that the marriage settlement included her getting the house and mortgage and I got the garage for relocation. I had also built my own kit home as I couldnt afford one already built. I pay all respective child support and even more.

I received a reply that her application had been denied. 

So event can come over time whereby you get the confidence within yourself to not only move on but rise above it all and that is a big release.

You are doing very well.

TonyWK

[jemma09]

Hi TonyWK,

Your message about confidence came at the perfect time as I feel the loss of that weighing on me some days, thank you so much for your extra reply here. I really do appreciate your time you have put in to replying to me. Everyone here is so supportive, it feels like the only place I can be myself at the moment. So for that, I am truly grateful. 

Hearing about your story has been inspiring for me hearing the steps it takes to move forward. It also gives me confidence to stand up for my decision, boundaries and to keep pushing forward. While reading your story I loved hearing about the fairy garden, it sounds so magical. I am really glad you got to a better place and I hope you are still doing well 😊

I can try a version of the mirror technique... I like affirmations. So I might try to research some now and print them and paste them where I will see them everyday. I do have one quote I always have on display which is called "regression to the mean." It talks about no matter how good or bad something is, everything always goes back to a baseline. I have always found that comforting. 

I found some I like,  ... "I am free to be the best version of me, ... "I am allowing myself to feel all my emotions." I think that's a good start!

As for a direction in life, that has always been to be happy. Other direction is my career. Though, I am having some issues at work unfortunately, but will work to remedy them. 🤗

I have been doing some reading on mental health and health in general after relationships end. I have been able to find the best way to very clearly communicate having space for a proper amount of time. I think it will be healthy. 

Thanks again and take care,

Jemma

[white knight]

Hi Jemma

Your 1st paragraph produced a tear. This platform is a most humbling place. We dont expect thankyou's nor gratitude, but when it comes it has a remarkable result. One tear to some can mean the world.

I also grasped quotes. 

I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations

The good side of my ex partner was magical... the other side I couldnt live with

I've been a jail warder, faced the toughest... yet I cant tolerate you using silence as a weapon 

I write this long letter to you (ex) and to demonstrate your relevance... I not send it

Never go backwards

My embracing you should never be second to a mere distraction

I hate arrogance yet, the realisation that many humans are stupid, destructive and nasty puts me in that category

I'm not special, but I carry every lady on this planet over hot coals to protect, but I am not special

Going against the male "flow" I will pat other men on the shoulder to let them know I'm there

Give a homeless a dollar for his smile or make him rich with conversation about only him

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/cutting-ties-clarity-and-confiden...

That's it. How do you feel now?

TonyWK

[Bob_22]

Hi jemma09,

Thank you for the update. No worries at all. We are here to listen and I'm glad you feel you can express yourself freely on these forums. You sound like a great friend and I'm sure your friend who is struggling is grateful for your support. I hope it hasn't been too tough for you. Let us know how you go with your therapist appointment. It may be worthwile, since there's a few things to chat about, to write down things you'd like to address in the brief time you have with your counsellor. I do this, otherwise I find the hour goes by so quickly without getting a chance to discuss what I would like to unpack more. 

I also hope you've had more space from your ex-partner as you heal. Be kind to yourself and don't be afraid to assert boundaries. 

Bob

[jemma09]

Hi TonyWK,

Thank you for your patience while I replied 😊 

I am so glad I could share my gratitude, it's such an important thing to bring recognition to the people that make time to sit with and offer advice to others so they are no longer alone.

All of you are ⭐🌠AMAZING🌠⭐

I had read your reply soon after you wrote it and appreciated your extra quotes!! I have also read your link there too. Wonderful words to share. It's quite interesting reading this again a few weeks later actually, because I feel much on the other side now it is very easy for me to find the logic and strength in the quotes. 

I am doing absolutely awesome. I am so happy.  Thank you for asking!

In between me being here I caught a cold and had to rest, but also saw my therapist in the mean time too which was wonderful so I thought I'd reply again now I've seen them. 

My confidence generally has also skyrocketed. I have been able to remain very sure of myself.

The feeling of freedom to live my life and keep focused on my wellbeing is unmatched. I am making leaps and bounds at work too which is exciting. I am getting back into yoga and trying to keep up with socialising. I no longer feel such pressure anymore now that I am just with myself, so in turn, that has me feeling much more comfortable everyday. 

I hope you have been well and had a lovely week! 😊

[jemma09]

Hi Bob,

Thank you for your reply and your patience while I got back to you 😊 

I appreciate your empathy in every reply, it helped me feel comforted. As I mentioned up there, all of you are amazing! 

I appreciate your words about my friendship, that was lovely to hear. My friend is doing much better. We have a good system we use now. We are able to hide words in our messages, so we both do that when we are venting or talking about heavy topics - and then we allow the reader to have a boundary on when they are in the right mindset to read it. So that has worked great for us to both express ourselves. 

I visited my therapist this week, it was a very nice appointment. I appreciated your message here of making a list, I made one in my mind which assisted a lot!

My therapist recognised the magnitude of things that have been going on with this and also another issue I was having. It was so wonderful for me to hear her say that I was dealing with everything so healthily. She drew attention to my ability to process emotion and sit with it ... that's something I've struggled with in the past - so hearing that was awesome! She also told me my window of tolerance is good and my emotional intelligence is high and that made me feel so happy and proud. 

I am feeling very confident and happy these days. I am having my own space and absolutely keeping my boundaries, thank you. I am glad I am in a place in which I absolutely refuse to pay credence to any comments on my boundaries. I am able to keep to my health and wellbeing needs. 

My therapist was able to identify some gaslighting tendencies from my ex, especially around the break up. I was able to identify these too, so it was nice to have it confirmed. Some of the things said to me by my ex gave me a chuckle to be honest because of the foolishness. I am grateful I can see through it to that point and separate myself from it. So the boundaries are incredibly important and I am focused on myself... still allowing myself to grieve when it pops up - but I feel like I am on the other side now. 

I hope you have had a good week and have been well! 😊

[Ash-H]

Reading this broke my heart because for the whole thing I swear it was my ex wife writing it. I’m sorry that you are going through this. As someone who has put my wife in the position you are now in I want to apologise on behalf of your partner. I don’t know their intentions but I know how much I love my wife and wish I could go back and fix all of the mistakes I made in both my relationship and the separation. 

I don’t know if it brings you comfort but I’m proud if you for standing up for what you need and I’m sorry people like me don’t know how to cope and that gets projected onto people like you 

it’s more to do with us than you