Emotionally exhausted by my partner's ex wife behaviour

[BrightStar1]

My partner and I have been together many years now. We both met after our marriages had ended and have started our new chapter of life. There are children involved and I do believe I/ we have created a solid relationship.  At no stage have I ever said anything hateful or mean about the biological mother in front of them. And that has been difficult! I have endured negative messages from her on social media ( she is now blocked), when the children where younger they would repeat what she said- degrading me as a person and how I was negatively impacting their lives. I would be constantly questioned by one child about all of my actions and questions asked that were coming from an adult, as a child wouldn't phrase them in such a way.

On the whole I do not blame my partner for his ex. She is his ex for a reason and I believe that he was there longer in the marriage because of the children. I do think she does not like the version of her ex husband now he is with me. I am very kind, caring and work through issues and try to engage my partner in the same manner when we have problems especially in front of the children. This is very different to the yelling and screaming matches which they were used to. They are seeing their Dad actually be happy.

There has been a very lengthy legal battle of finances and divorce. After witnessing this, I think that his ex may have narcissistic tendencies - including the sense of entitlement, need for attention, blaming etc. The one constant issue is now the children.

The first verbal arrangement was told to him - at this stage, he kept the peace and went along with it so the divorce etc could be finished. Fast forward some years now, work conditions have changed for her. She is refusing to let him have the children one extra night per week (which would benefit her), but still wants them back after dinner one of the nights, so that it doesn't interrupt her child support payments.

She  refused on multiple times to discuss care arrangements  with outside agencies. Taking this further to court would end up being expensive and she would want to keep fighting until the very end.She is not wanting an arrangement where they do not see each other at all. The pick up/ drop off would be via school. She wants control over him so he can be waiting in a public space at her mercy as to when she will arrive. At times she is up to 45mins late

[Sophie_M]

Dear BrightStar1

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums we are so glad that you have made you way here and had the bravery to post. We want you to know that this is a safe space to discuss your thoughts, feelings and experiences and receive honest responses and suggestions from fellow forum users.

It sounds as if you provide a healthy and strong constant support to both your partner and the children which of course, be emotionally exhausting at times; please be kind to yourself and allow yourselves time as a partnership and family to have downtime in all of this; we can be so easily consumed by the throws of life and it's at times like this we need to know someone is there to listen.
 
We are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat.  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
We’re sure to hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.

Regards 

Sophie M

[ecomama]

Hi BrightStar1

I'm glad you had the sense to block the toxic person from your social media accounts. Not sure why you'd be associating with them at all, unless you were once on really good terms?

When children pass on messages to you / ask questions you deem inappropriate, you can always reply "these are adult issues and you're a child. Let's ...(go to the park, bake some muffins, play a computer game... DISTRACT)". 
Boundaries put up high and repeat your response. They'll push for a while, then relent and begin again. 
You're the adult. You get to make the boundaries. 

You raise alot about a situation that really should be dealt with between the mother and father of the children. 
I know you are married to their father but there are no legal rights over step-children in Family Law that I know of. 

The smaller issues you mention like pick up and drop off sites, an extra night etc could be worked through in Mediation eg via Relationships Aust. That is for their father to take responsibility for, not you. 

The only other course of events for their father to take is ofcourse lodging in Family Court but only if Mediation is attempted and failed. Indeed this is very expensive and from my own experiences and observations, it may not change a thing. 

The children are growing up, this will soon be behind you. Making your times with the children as pleasant as possible now will increase the chances of better adult relationships. 

I would really stay out of any of the wrangling. It's their family & their business to sort. As much as it may effect you, staying out will help your mental health. 
The BB Helpline is always available for you and your H. 

Bestest wishes
EM