Insecurities and intrusive thoughts in my relationship

[Lost not found]

Hi,

TLDR: My insecurities and intrusive thoughts make my new relationship hard (at least in my head). 

My partner and I have been together for just over a year now, and I’m struggling with some of my own insecurities and trust issues. My partner has a lot of friends and people that he talks to and I don’t have any issues with that at all. It’s mainly the thought of him cheating on me that upsets me, which comes from my last relationship (yay). I’m trying not to bring any of it up because we have been doing really good so far and I don’t want to accuse him of anything he hasn’t done. We’ve had little talks here and there and each time they’ve ending with us in agreement that we’re okay and nothings wrong, but give it month and it’s back to brainstorming all the ways I’m going to be hurt. Obviously  I don’t want my insecurities to ruin anything, especially if I assume the worst in my head and then I’m wrong and then it turns to shit.

Little things only feed the thought, like sometimes I feel like I’m a second thought in his head. Sometimes when we’re hanging out I’ll have to repeat myself or just sit there in silence as I wait for him to stop texting someone on his phone, for him to be like “sorry what did you say?”. Usually I just repeat what I said and it’s fine, but for the 1-2 seconds where there’s no response I find myself thinking “what’s the point then?” Like why are we hanging out if you’re not interested? And his usual response if I bring it up is something like “yeah I was getting there”. 

It upsets me that I just can’t trust him 100%, that there will always be an intrusive thought or something that makes me believe otherwise, no matter how much he proves to me that he’s faithful. It’s almost like I’m trying to sabotage myself while also clinging to whatever non self-deprecating thought I have. 😕

Thanks, J

[Croix]

Dear J~

Welcome to the Forum. It's a good move as sometimes one can be too close to a problem and need to see what others have said about similar circumstances.

I suppose the most obvious thing to say is that past relationships cast long shadows and if you were in one where your partner was unfaithful that was not only is heart-breaking at the itme but also can leave one feeling less worthy or capable of being in a relationship again. Certainly trust becomes a problem.

Unfortunatly it's an emotional thing and logic does not realy stop such feelings. You say yourself you have no evidence. You could go though your partner's phone, talk to all his freinds and it would not realy help long term.

So waht can you do? I'd like ot suggest a couple of things. The first is to be completely open about your fears - particularly as they are heavily influenced by the past and not your partner. If you hare lucky your partner will go out of his way not to give you cause though misunderstandings.

The second is that it may be worth visiting a counselor, for yourself, and maybe also for the pair of you, so that you may gain techniques and perspective that might help you from worrying; plus on how to work better together.

I'm afraid my partner, like you, will say something needing my attention when I'm texting or writings and I either don't notice becuse I"m concentrating too hard, or else resist having my chain of thought interrupted as I might not get it back. So I too may finish and then ask what my partner had said. Frustrating for her, however I love her deeply, she does not have your background, and simply sighs and starts again.

For me at least it is in no way a reflection on my regard for her, or her importance in my life. More like I'm limited in doing things. She does often say "Unlike women men can only think of one thing at a time" - who am I to argue:)

Would you like to say what you think about the above?

Croix

[Juliet_84]

Hi J,

I am a bit believer in that we attract to us what we are most afraid of, having seen it in action many times. Rather than some hippie dippie concept, the reality is that when we make involuntary decisions based on fear they inadvertently cause the outcome we are so focused on avoiding. For me, I had a medical condition from a young age and was so terrified that something bad would happen to me that I increasingly tried experimental procedures to cure my condition that led to a very serious adverse outcome. My ex sister-in-law was so insecure and afraid of being cheated on that she ridiculed her husband mercilessly and starved him of a kind word for over a decade and beat his self-confidence down so badly and he eventually had an affair despite her constantly tracking his phone and his whereabouts (it was a DV relationship). The moral of that example is that if a person is going to cheat they are going to do that, arguments and accusations are not going to guard you against that, rather the opposite. What we all have to do is put our faith in the gods and trust that if it ever happens, we are strong enough to survive it. As hard as it is, sometimes we need to weed out the rubbish to get to the good stuff. 

[geoff]

Hello J, when we suffer from this condition no matter what our partner/spouse says we always find a slight wording or a phrase that causes us to feel these intrusive thoughts, no matter how nice the comment is, we interpret it another way, that's an illness because if we didn't have this, there would be no problem or we'd laugh about what was said.

This isn't your fault, many of us suffer from the same problem or have in the past, simply because we don't ask ourselves the question 'what was he/she talking about', instead we pick up on one particular word that keeps going around and around in our head until we find a negative way of taking it, as we can't extrapolate it properly, our mind is unable to do so.

Write down what was said and list both negative and positive ways of taking it and try not to emphasise the negative side of it, then try and open your mind and discuss it with your partner.

Geoff.

Life Member.