Emotionally Abusive Parents

[R.Penn]

Hi everybody, It has been a while since I posted on the forums as I have been in therapy the whole of this year. I have come out with a diagnosis of ASD ADHD PTSD and Social Phobia. I am feeling a bit left without coping tools from my psychologist this past month, I have found the last 3 sessions not so helpful and feeling pretty crappy afterward. I think Talk therapy isn’t working for me as my parent wound is pretty big. 

Some background: My mum and dad divorced when I was 14 years old because my Dad cheated. He also made me meet his girlfriend after he was kicked out of the family home. It was a very stressful time for me and I know there is much worse cases out there. What I am struggling with: My mum told me 4 years ago that my father sexually assaulted her and my younger brother was the result of this. I am a middle child and have felt like a bit of a doormat for both my parents problems. I was very frustrated as I had forgiven dad for his mistakes after being so angry and moving away for 9 years, only to be reopen the wound again when my mum told me that, she was drunk at the time too. 

Fast forward it’s Christmas and I haven’t spoken to him in months, he lives in Bali and is with a lady that is younger than me and my brother over there which makes me feel pretty gross to be honest. I don’t know how to relate to him and he is always calling me and making me feel guilty for not talking to him enough. I need some help, like what would you do in this situation. My sister still loves my dad and talks to him even though he was a crappy dad. I just need to heal but can’t when he keeps phone stalking me. I don’t want to ask him about it as it will just cause more drama and anger and conflict on top of my own history with my uncles behaviour. I am really conflicted and feel a knot in my belly over it all the time. My sister said he thinks he has dementia symptoms and he might come back home, but I don’t believe it. I get really hateful thoughts towards him and want to believe my mums experience over his word because he has betrayed us before. I really wish I had a good dad that wanted to love me and get to know me and accept me for who I am. I also came out gay when I was young and he didn’t like that much either but never said anything.

I think Christmas makes these feelings worse for me. Thanks for reading if you do and I hope someone out there can chat with me as my psychologist hasn’t really told me what is wise to do and not do.

Thankyou and happy holidays

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I think you certainly need some clarity and even evidence before you take any further action with your dad. So far, while drunk your mother told you of what she communicated was a sexual assault. Some people say things when they are drunk- real or unreal and that is my concern on that topic. 

Asking your dad will be met with a rebuttal so asking him will not produce anything for clarity.

Separate your relationship with your father from his relationships with other eg your brother and others. Stick to yours, they can have a meaningful one with him, thats their call. It's complex enough without involving yourself with their decisions.

The question you could ask yourself is "do I feel safe in my fathers presence"?. Am I being reactive to my mothers claim that could be open to different interpretations? 

I think the wise thing to do now is when your fathers name comes up on your phone think about whether you want to talk to him or not and if not - dont talk. Thats your freedom, however there is no reasons not to continue a relationship and both of you work towards one that is calm, mature and as frequent meeting up as you feel, but not under obligation.

Finally as you would like a father to accept you etc you have a mum, siblings and a dad that is, like many of us older folks, left in a time warp with changes in society, it takes time for older people to come to terms with this. Best to be fair at least to him for that. 

I hope that helps clarify a little and give you food for thought.

TonyWK 

[R.Penn]

Thank you for your reply Tony. I will give your words some thought, I was left a bit confused on the last few sentences of your message. I can answer I do not feel safe and have not felt safe with my dad for a long long time, he tried to punch me once and he also had a temper which was terrifying as a small child. I think your advice is good - I won’t be taking on my sisters and brothers relationship with him from here on. My sister was talking about it and she has more of a relationship with him. I think I will end up looking after my mother as we have more of a connection and humour. 

I just wonder why we are so hard to love if we come from him. Surely he can see that I am part him and mum. I used to get called the postman’s daughter which gave me a bit of a complex. 

I will spend some time thinking today and hope to get back to your message properly. I wish I could forget what my mum told me. 

Thank you 

[white knight]

I dont want to defend any hint of violence, As an ex prison officer I saw enough and detest it.

The one factor that wont elude me however is that men dont have defences against stress and other things so they have more tendency to drift towards a violent act. If that makes sense. It is like raising your fist up against someone and then reminding yourself "what are you doing". It is kind of natural and there is a big difference between a display of violence and actually carrying it out. I know in anger holding ones fist up is a form of violence also but it is in a different league than  physically carrying it out. It is hard to describe to a female without sounding like one is justifying it.

My father was a great man in every way. However my mother proved to be a narcissistic person that ruined my wedding and other terrible things. I turned out like my dad and my sister, that was glued to our mother hip, turned out like our mother. I dont see either of them now. So, sometimes people get an insight to their parents adverse personality and go the other way, some become a clone. Consider yourself lucky, you are not like him.

The "left in a time warp" is relating to how behaviour in one generation is far from common and accepted behaviour in  a newer gen. I'm 67 and when 20yo in the Airforce my behaviour was atrocious against gays and women, I acted how my peers acted. Also your father was taught by his parents and that means the teaching he learned are some 50 years ago. Hence your differences are vast. That doesnt excuse anything it means in this case to bring tolerance between you there are some things you have to leave behind in the past and other things that can never be- thats your call on those things because you have the freedom of choice.

Finally, sometimes parents and their childrens relationship wont improve until late in the parents life. But there is also nothing wrong with a distant relationship in terms of contact frequency. Parent/child relationships dont have a list of obligations, they have a chemistry that determines the closeness.

TonyWK