Emotional pain from Mum
Never done this before so hope this is ok. Over the weekend had a fight with Mum. I left so I wouldn't say things I later regretted. She followed after a bit and said some stuff. One thing that I just can't get pass now was "I keep waiting for you to change". I know I'm not perfect and could be a better person but I'm finding it very hard to get my head around that someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally doesn't just think you need to change but tells it to your face. We haven't spoken since.
I'm 28, have a good job, pay rent, help out plenty at home but I don't know what to do now.
Hi Hexseeker, welcome to beyond blue forums
I don't think you are doing yourself many favours in this situation for the following reasons,
- that focussing on one statement in the heat of the moment isn't a good idea. We all do this and it isn't easy to button our lips and remain calm and loving
- that at 28yo it's time to move out I'm afraid.
No matter if all the other factors are good at home, it comes a time when you will annoy each other.
Ok, a few short weeks after you leave you'll become friends again and it will be different.
During one heated argument with my wife she threw a bowl of mince meat at me. Initially I felt that that action was irreparable. I was going to leave. Then when I really thought about it....I said some things that provoked her. At the end of the day one has to swallow ones pride and go half way. The one that doesn't go half way is the one that has made their own choices and we are entitled to that.
You'll be fine. Chill and move on by moving out and seek your mothers friendship under different roofs.
Thanks for replying but I’m asking for help not judgement. I can’t move out because Mum has health problems and she needs someone around to help get the cleaning, laundry, shopping etc done. I can’t afford to hire help all the time and neither of my sisters are particularly interested in helping out. I’m trying to figure out how to talk to her. How to get her to see that what I’m feeling matters and just telling me that I am wrong, that I am the one that has to change all the time isn’t fair. She makes me feel like dirt.
Re: " Mum has health problems and she needs someone around to help get the cleaning, laundry, shopping etc done. I can’t afford to hire help all the time and neither of my sisters are particularly interested in helping out"
What health problems? You never mentioned she has health problems in your first post. What are they?
What sisters? you never mentioned sisters in your first post
Your first post read at the end "but I don't know what to do now.". It didn't say you needed advice on how to talk to her....just "what you should do" and my reply was to help you to take action to help you.
Now, the way I see it is, you do not express yourself very well. Nor do you explain fully the situation. Your age, the family structure and what is the real problem. People like me sit every night trying to help as best we can and sometimes we have to make judgement because some people try to get help by posting one paragraph only when they have 2500 words to do it with. Another example is-
"I can’t afford to hire help all the time" Who would have known from your first post that you would be the one to "hire help". Hewseeker, I'm more than willing to help you but you need to reflect on your own actions and look at how others would read your posts.
Perhaps a female here can see what you're problem really is?
I have been reading your post and Tony's as well.
Correct me if I am wrong, but it seems to me that you have decided to stay at home to care for your Mum who is not well for some reason and you also work, so your days must be fairly busy.
I am unsure how ill your Mum is, but sometimes people who are unwell say unpleasant things to those who are closest to them. People in general can do that.
I know when I am feeling ill and cranky I take it out on my husband if I think he deserves it or not. Then I apologise for it. Some people are just not aware how much they hurt others, and don't feel like they need to apologise.
It is great you have come here to the forum to ask for some advice and help.
You mentioned you can't afford assistance around the house. Could you call your local council and see if they might be able to suggest some low cost options for you? Depending on the situation you may be able to receive some Government assisted help.
Maybe you could try phoning some of the phone help lines like the one here at Beyond Blue, they might be able to hook you up with organisations that could help. Even if you talked about how you are feeling that might help as well.
I know my Mum has said some very hurtful things tome over the years and it does cut deep. I have learnt to forgive her and others for the nasty things they say. I forgive them in my mind not out loud. It helps me feel less bitter and annoyed at what has been said.
I have trouble with my self esteem, so it also hurts when people say awful things. It is not right to put others down. I don't know what your Mum is suffering from, but for some people they just don't seem to be able to help what they say.
If you would like to share a little more of your situation, then myself and others might be able to offer you a few more suggestions.
You sound like a very caring person to stay at home and look after your Mum. I hope you do share more, it will help you tremendously to get more off your chest so to speak.
Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools
I also have parent issues as well but your situation with working and also looking after your mum is obvious at times very stressful for both of you.
Maybe what I suggest can help a little and over time can smooth out other things, so depending what your mum's health issues are and her age, you can ring up places like ACAT (Aged Care Assessment Team) or they might know of other teams that might help your situation. Most Hospital's, public and I assume private as well, will have a ACAT team and other services. The general assessment should be free and normally they will come to you to assess your home environment and see what services that can help both of you. Most of the services will have a fee but generally are at a discount price, but it also depends on what you get. They might not be able to help at all but you never know what services are out there.